I picked up this purse in a shop across from the hospital when I went to purchase a pair of socks. It was one of those purchases that was impulse, but not really. I had been looking for a purse that didn't have a brand plastered on the front of it. It has become my mainstay through this life event.
A new purse, one month later, home only seven days, eight days in the hospital, almost three weeks in rehabilitation center, ten radiation treatments and who knows how many miles driven.
I'm going home.
The crisis has passed.
I wish I could give you a nice, Facebook-worthy pat on the back ... you know a report with a picture of which you find it significant enough to share with all your friends that represents how wonderful you're doing. All I have is a purse and a 'kind of' list representing my thoughts.
Practicing selflessness is hard.
Staying quiet yet present is hard.
Being kind when you really want to throw a fit is hard.
Feeling but not allowing yourself to follow your feelings is hard.
Choosing your words carefully is hard.
Listening when you're tired is hard.
Sleeping in a hospital room is hard.
Eating 'whatever' is hard.
Pressing through when there is 'shocking' news is hard.
But
Believing each day you are given what you need for that day ... makes it easy.
Knowing in your heart of hearts you are loved by the One who created you ... makes it easy.
Realizing just the smallest gesture, smile, or word helps ... makes it easy.
Finding thankfulness in tender moments ... makes it easy.
Knowing you have to stay in today and not in the future ... makes it easy.
Relationships change during life events like this. What was so very valuable and 'worth your time' in the past has now lost its value. Simple, authentic, unselfish moments or things (like a purse) carry the moment from what seems unreal to real. There's a transcendent moment when we have an exchange between people ... could be spoken or not ... could be a look into one anothers eyes ... could be a smile or hug ... could be a hand shake or a word. It's that moment when you exchange yourself -- who you are -- with them. This, I think, is a glimpse of God and His love.
Over time we become acclimated to an environment. I have experienced this in the school setting -- you get in a rhythm of sorts, it becomes comfortable. Your movement through the halls is natural, with greetings and entering/exiting from one space to another. I think once this happens we can offer ourselves more fully to one another -- without fear of rejection or threat of harm -- there's a rhythm and we are 'safe' to share ourselves.
I have also noticed that once you become acclimated in an environment, there is a 're-entry' margin when you return home. Your body and daily routine has changed yet again. There isn't a need for acute alertness with the entry of yet another stranger in the room.
Thank you for the blessings Lord that accompany such life events. Blessings that are unearned, unexpected and have healed my heart in many unspoken places.
