Truthfulness and Selfishness

LESSON 22--Nitro is a horse ~ an animal ~ not a human or even God.  I may perceive his behavior as love or devotion to me, but it is usually him just wanting to get to either food, the herd or the barn.  That feeling of being loved by Nitro, unconditionally loved, is more in the training and him knowing how to respond, then it is unconditional love.  It 'feels' good to have him respond to me, every time, in the manner in which I want (because that is how he has been trained); but that is not the love we seek as women.

When I approach Nitro anywhere on the farm, he raises his head and his ears go forward to acknowledge me.  I love that, but let's call it what it is; truthfully I  know that Nitro is not 'choosing' to acknowledge me out of love and devotion.  

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If you are in a place in your life where you are not receiving affirmation and affection, perhaps you are struggling in your marriage, your man is 'absent' or 'angry', this affirming behavior is more crucial.  In order to survive this struggle you are going to need to put your "spiritual house in order; otherwise, you'll likely lack the strength, courage, and perspective to help your husband." from Sacred Influence, Gary Thomas.  He says, 

"When you live with an angry man, you not only crave but literally need God's affirmation.  Men can be very cruel with their cutting comments; if you aren't receiving affirmation and affection from your heavenly Father, your going to feel emotionally empty and perhaps even worthless and that will feed into your husband's response and tempt you to become even more of a doormat."

This is why it 'feels' so good to work with horses, they fill that void.  You can artificially substitute with a horse what you aren't receiving at home.

So I dug a bit deeper, am I wanting a particular 'feeling'?  If I am, why?

To be loved?  What is my 'hearts' desire?

Well, I started at Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure."
So following my heart is probably NOT a good idea.

I am going to be brutally honest now about what my motives have been for praying.  I was praying to change behaviors because they were making my life miserable; I have come to a place where I am praying because I am concerned about how this behavior is grieving God and destroying spiritual growth.

As Dr. Thomas says in Sacred Influence; 

"Are you motivated out of selfish ambition, or selfless love?  If selfishness motivates you, you're far more likely to give up if you don't get the immediate response you hoped for...its just not worth the hassle."  "But if you truly dedicate yourself to the spiritual welfare of others, you will stick with it and persevere."

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Nitro, I dearly adore you as a horse and thank you for bridging the 'unloved' time for me when I was desperately low in my 'love tank'.  God used you to guide me back to a spiritually sound place in being filled with HIS love instead of feeling empty in love and looking for that love 'where ever my heart took me'.  That's a dangerous place ~ being tossed to and fro.

Again, Nitro thank you ~ ha ha, here's some grain :-) 

Nitro and Core Strength

LESSON 21--Core strength is necessary to ride a horse.

As I thought about my fall, I remember being suspended in the air hanging away from the saddle not able to pull my body up onto Nitro's back.  I had no arm, stomach or inner thigh strength, and my body basically could not rescue me.  All it would have taken was just enough strength to bring my body up onto Nitro's back.  

I cannot describe how it felt to be in a place I had been before and functioned with ease, then to fail.  I am 54 years old and had for the first time allowed a lapse of time to go by where I did not exercise on a regular basis.

Without core strength, we are in jeopardy of falling off.  

Pilate classes have made a huge difference for me.  I have been working very hard to get back my core strength and I put it to the test this weekend.  

I rode Nitro!!!

You know the old saying, if you fall off, get right back on?  Well, it took a while for me to feel safe and equipped.

This time, as I pulled myself onto Nitro's back, it didn't feel like I had a bunch of bricks in my back pockets.  It was easy!  Riding Nitro was a breeze too ...  it's amazing how when you let your body go for a while without exercise how that affects your mood and strength.

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It makes me wonder about how the same is true when I am not receiving from God.  

When my 'core' is weak I seek elsewhere.

From Sacred Marriage Devotional by Gary Thomas 

"If I stop receiving from God, I start demanding from others."   

He continues with a guide (much better then falling off your horse). 

 Dr. Thomas says to "Start defining disappointment with your spouse as spiritual hunger, a cosmic call to worship."

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Here are 'concerning patterns' to be aware of when your 'core' is weak;

When I am thinking that my husband doesn't do enough 'for me'.  This could be just about anything; from sharing more of the house work, to taking me out on a date, to just choosing to sit with me and share a conversation.

When I find myself 'angry' with my husband for very minor things.  This could be as minor as socks in the floor, trash not taken out, dishes left on the table, crumbs on the floor where he eats, repeating myself about something I previously shared with him ... you get the picture.

When I have isolated myself and am super sensitive.  This could be my choice to withdraw from conversations and events where I make myself invisible (either by helping in the kitchen, or staying busy).

So you know when your smoke detector has a low battery and it starts making that annoying 'beep' repeatedly?  That is how I envision these 'tell tell' signs for a weak core.  Hurry, get plugged back in, go get a new, fully charged battery ... and this -- get back into The Word and in relationship with God.

My final question is;
How's your core?

Man's Brain and Learning to Appreciate Him

LESSON 20--My way is not always the right way.

So you all know I was 'thrown' off of Nitro some time back, and the cause of that accident was wanting it my way.  I have since observed a pattern of behavior and thinking.

I gave my bread machine away last week and today was given a beautiful loaf of bread baked in that same machine.  You see, I tried several times to bake that perfect loaf of bread, but never did succeed.  Here's how it went;

Step one -- take machine out of box

Step two -- look at recipes in instruction manual that came with the bread machine

Step three -- gather ingredience that were necessary for recipe

Step four -- combine all ingredience and pour into machine

Step five -- look at front of machine, oh there are buttons and settings ...

Step six -- pick the quickest method described in instruction manual as I skimmed it and turn on machine

Resulting in hard as rock bread .... every time!!

Step seven -- throw out bread and try again

Step eight -- give away machine

I am learning that my way of jumping ahead without reading the instructions does not always work.  In the past, I have found I could be somewhat successful and in my head it sure saved time.

My life has followed this pattern.  

A man's brain and my fast-paced style do not work so well together.

Here's the lesson, what my brain is processing and skipping over to accomplish the task at hand, his is not.  My hurry and urgency to talk and work it out does not always work.

So as Proverbs 16:24 says "Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body."

As in I Tim 3:11 "Their wives likewise must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things."  A man's qualification for spiritual office includes being married to a woman "worthy of respect".

Remember what grace means -- unmerited favor 

Sometimes, its time to process and receive instruction; following the instruction of the inventor.

The aroma of it all is sweet.

Passive Persecution Born in High Expectations

Expectations ruin relationships ~ from Ann VosKamp 1000 Gifts.  

Ann noticed how different her youngest child viewed life.  She gave her a camera and then while viewing the pictures she had taken, noticed how different everything looked....different vantage point....lower view.

The joy of a child, notice they are never expecting.

"Eucharisteo makes the knees the vantage point of a life...remembering her glee, because isn't that how children live?  Life as large surprise. A child has no expectation .... A rollin ball? Surprise! A laughing aunt? Surprise! Again and again? Surprise!" 

So I am looking at my life and how much of my angst is about meeting some imaginary expectation I have in my head.

Making things 'look' a particular way.  

Measuring an outcome with a standard set by me.  

Rejecting anything that does not 'match my picture'.  

How long has this been going on?  

How many relationships have I passively persecuted?


From Sacred Marriage Devotions by Gary Thomas "an entire category of wounding in marriage receives little notice, that is passive persecution."  He continues to warn about that moment in your marriage when that kind of neglect became an active wound.  

"What is withheld starts hurting, and it becomes a living irritant. Its devastation grows worse when the sore wound gets regularly pummeled by continued neglect." 

I have the tendency to battle with words, what I would not place in the category of of passive persecution, but you can be the judge.  Recently, as I am studying about marriage (and men's brains) I am finding out that what I have been doing is completely wrong if I want to affect my husband's behavior; hence improve our marriage.

Ladies, are you with me?  Ready for a real example?

Well, the first fact is that most men find it difficult to receive (or listen) to several words in a row spoken to them.  Ladies, we have the capacity to speak many many words to communicate what we are wanting or feeling.  Have you ever notice the blank stare...the distant gaze...they don't hear us after the first few words.

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Example

I am leaving for a one day trip with a friend and need to leave our car in town.  I call my husband who is on a tractor in the hay field.  I call to ask about going on the spur-of-the-moment trip, he says ok~go.

I call back as I am problem solving to ask about where to leave the car.  I suggest a friend's house or Cracker Barrel.  It's a holiday weekend and I am concerned about parking it in a safe place. 

He says "leave the car at the church", I say; "I have heard that there have been cars broken into at the church ... (many more words) ... I think I'll leave it at a friends house."

Later in the day, my husband calls with an upset tone in his voice "where's the car? I'm in the church parking lot with my truck, trailer and equipment, I need the car".  YIKES!!

Here is what I learned from this; I had an expectation that my husband would listen to my several words as I problem-solved ~ not WE problem-solved.  AND I (notice again I) did not do what my husband asked me to do.

This has been an issue for me most of my life.  I think most 'independent' women will understand this.  As I study God's design of marriage, I see that my husband is the leader of this family and too much of the time in my life, I have problem-solved with the wrong intention in my heart.  

My true intention was not to listen to my husband, say to myself that I have no need to go any further in my thinking, and just do as I am told.  If I am telling the truth, I am not calling him to ask, I am calling him to inform and demonstrate my independent thinking.

My expectation as a wife has not been biblical.  Now, don't for a minute think I'm saying wives are to be a doormat and so subservient to their husband they no longer think for themselves.  

I'm saying that there is freedom and true 'joy' in God's design for marriage.

What a load to be taken off of my shoulders, to just trust and obey.  To take away that expectation of 'gotta think for him and for me and argue with him'.

 "Let's allow kindness and even generosity to govern us.  The person you're talking to took a tremendous risk.  Out of all the billions of people on the face of the earth, he or she chose to spend this life with you.  When your spouse made this decision, her or she put himself or herself at your mercy since, as we said before, there are certain things only a spouse can provide.  Let's honor that trust with open hands and enthusiastic hearts." ... Gary Thomas in Sacred Marriage

Checking Out

LESSON 19--What to do when you are not riding or participating with the life of your horse.

I  have now spent the entire month of June saying hello to Nitro, grooming him, talking to him but NOT riding him.  

Something has crept into our relationship.  

So what do you do when you find yourself 'absent'?

I think being absent or numbing or creating a 'fictional' life is very dangerous.  Checking out, excusing away, justifying, isolating and defending are behaviors that signal me to take captive my thoughts and get busy becoming present.

I have always said that the Barbie and Ken dolls really set us up for trouble.  Ladies, we are looking for our Prince Charming, and guess what ~ our husband is just a regular guy no matter what might be showing up on Facebook.  Only one perfect man ever walked this earth, and every wife is married to an imperfect man. So as Gary Thomas points out in Sacred Influence "Are you going to define your husband by disappointments ... or are you going to learn to let go of certain expectations?"

If you read Numbers 21 in the Bible, you will see how much success there is in complaining and choosing to complain.  James MacDonald says that "The circumstances of life bring us continually to a fork in the road."  

He continues to explain how when we are in a situation in life where we don't have much control, we always can control our attitude.  I can choose the way I want to respond to this.  There are many people who have exactly the same life situation and they are doing much better then me.

Dr. MacDonald talks about "wilderness attitudes"--complaining, rebelling, criticizing to name a few.  Put on love, faith, thankfulness, contentment and choose a life that isn't dry and cheerless and dead.  It can bring joy and peace and happiness.

"Murmuring is the choice we make that leads us to the wilderness."

When I find myself in those times where I feel absent in my marriage, where something has crept in, I am learning that I have forgotten what marriage really is, and I'm back in my childhood pretending with my Barbie and Ken dolls.  

God created the estate of marriage and he has called us into marriage.  Martin Luther reminds us to acknowledge the One who designed marriage; God; "Do not criticize this work, or call that evil which he himself has called good."

I about jumped out of my chair when I was reading and came to these statements from Gary Thomas and Sacred Influence:

1. What if your husband's faults are God's tools to shape you? 
2. What if the very thing that most bugs you about your man constitutes God's plan to teach you something new?  
3. What if the purpose of marriage isn't to make me happy, but to make me holy?

That's so NOT what I learned with Barbie and Ken (oh and the convertible and house).

Now I have to ask myself some questions when I find myself isolated and sad or mad.

Do I have wilderness attitudes like; doubting God's goodness, am I not content so I covet what I do not have, do I complain?

~ ~ ~

Back to Nitro, the reality is that he represents pain now since my fall and I have to be real about that.  I have to increase my physical strength and confidence again before I ride him.

I think maybe he has ushered me into this phase of my life I was not wanting to enter ~ middle age ~ and I have to be real about that too.

So what part of your life are you playing Barbie and Ken ...  is it time to get real?