When I was first learning about horses, I mean really learning (not like when I was a child and just ran out to see them and jump on to ride) the topic of giving praise came up in a lesson. I was snuggling with Nitro, standing close and telling him how great he was. LeAnn explained again how too much praise is not good. She continued to explain how dangerous it is to feed a horse a snack, like to bring sugar cubes in your pocket to give them. It sets up a relationship where praise or a treat is expected. This is the horse/owner relationship as LeAnn shared "you feed him, take care of him, have a barn for him, he is to work for you. That's what horses are, not pets. Get a dog if you want a pet."
I find that interesting as I look at what praise really is and how much I depend on it to validate me.
The definition for praise as a noun is to express warm approval or admiration of, to commend, applaud, eulogize, compliment, congratulate. The noun definition of praise is the expression of approval or admiration for someone or something, to acclaim or admire.
Follow this thinking ~ So receiving praise elicits a feeling, and elevates self. The feeling of self isn't the center of reality. God is the center of reality. So why is praise so sought after? Why win, or become successful, or receive applause, or receive an award? For validation? To make you feel worthy? Where does this need come from? Is it fear? Fear of not being enough, if you don't accomplish?
So if I'm not 'all that' and I give up all that might bring me praise, that would leave me entirely in the hands of Jesus. Think about it .... if God gets all the praise and you seek none ..... you become intentional about identifying when you are fearful,
or feeling 'less-than-worthy' or 'abandon-able'.
Charles Traub. Louisville, 1976
Now let's get real. Lets talk about those angry words and thoughts between you and your spouse this week. Let's look at an example and see where those thoughts take us.
End of teaching career, anxiety about walking out of the building for the last time. I hand over my keys and say a few good-byes, try to keep it light. I get home, see on Facebook pictures of family in far off places singing happy birthday to my daughter, my son holding up a huge fish; both very happy and doing fine, I'm not there. Husband hears me playing the recording on my iPad of the family singing happy birthday and he is watching a TV show. He does not know what I am listening to, just is annoyed I would do so during his program in the same room. He turns up the TV volume. I am swept away with emotion. My thoughts are .... oh, a birthday with family and I'm not there .... I'm here ... and the volume continues to increase ... I say in a not so nice tone "what are you doing?" And it begins.
If you are a mother, you would understand that when I saw that they video'd the event I immediately clicked on the play button, no thought about anything around me. (This is TOTALLY different then my husband pushing the play button to hear a cattle auction during my TV program). And when my husband turned up the volume on the TV my brain thought this ..."how rude, that's just a silly TV show, this is a birthday I missed and he's choosing that TV program over what he should know is very important to me."
In my husband's mind he has no idea what I'm listening to, just that I automatically caused noise to make it difficult to hear the TV and any time he does that with his iPad, he has to plug in his headset."
I'm far from where he is in his thinking and he goes to the basement ... I follow ... not a pretty sight on my part. My husband, however does not accelerate in his emotions as I obviously have and he asks where did this creep in? What have I been looking at? Praise God for him, because I was creating all sort of scenarios in my head. Here are a few, and I am wondering how many women do this and thus place WAY too much on their relationship with their husband.
I was missing my children, feeling left out of the family (which is a hot button for me), feeling like my husband didn't care, I was retiring and look what I was going to be dealing with. I think after we 'raise' our children, find ourselves alone with our husband without the demands, praises and joys our children bring, stress can increase in a marriage; or you can just stay busy and absent.
The mother/child relationship brings control, mandatory praise ('say please and thank you' or I won't...) and living vicariously through our children and their accomplishments. How proud we are when our children do well, what praise we receive. I wonder how many of us either re-live our childhood through our children or have the childhood we never had through our children?
So, I conclude, it is time to focus on ridding ourselves of the fear; it is the honest core to all of this. And as I've shared before, Ann VosKamp reminds me that "All fear is but the notion that God's love ends. Did you think I end that My bread warehouses are limited, that I will not be enough? But I am infinite child. What can end in Me? Can life end in Me? Can happiness or peace? or anything you need? Doesn't your Father always give you what you need?"
In The Sacred Marriage devotion by Gary Thomas I learned that 'the love that we seek is not a thing of enthusiastic emotion. And if we stop loving when the feelings fade, we reveal that we are motivated by mere emotions more that by Gods call on our lives. He explains how marriage is practice for loving...as Christ loves...How if we learn this our hearts enlarge and bulge with Gods goodness, if we choose to withdraw into a silent marriage our hearts start to calcify and shrink. That the first feeling of infatuation is innate, or natural ... takes no effort ... Marriage takes effort and teaches us how to love'.
As I walked out of my classroom, I recognized how this has been a place God has provided for me and I am assured if He has done this much blessing thus far, one can only imagine what He's capable of doing in my future! It reminded me of Exodus 16;1-36 about how the Lord provided manna for His people as long as they were faithful.
This is a picture from my car after I left my last day of teaching.
My last thought is;
Don't let emotions determine what reality is for you.
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