The "I" in Marriage

I am reminded, yet again, how much of ME comes out in my demands of marriage.  How about you?

As I research marriage as God designed, I find out that most failed and unhappy marriages begin with the awareness that the person you are married to is NOT the person you bargained for ... or you are struck with the notion I've got "a lemon", not my soul-mate!!

As Debi Pearl from Created to be His Help Meet explains when we discover this, "Rather than bemoan your "fate," ask God for wisdom.  

Wisdom is knowing what you "bought" when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be."

So, my man is out hunting again this morning and last night ... football.  I struggle with these two activities of men and always have.  I moan and groan, feel sorry for myself and am not easy to live with during this time.  Unfortunately, it always falls during the holiday season too ... (not to mention the extra calories and less exercise) and if you think about it, this is a formula for disaster!!

Here's a current example I'm not so proud of, but you will understand; 

I'm headed to bed and look in the kitchen sink to find two salmon steaks in the sink.  I go to the basement to ask my husband about them and tell him not to forget to put them in the refrigerator before he comes to bed (or at least that's what I thought I said, but definitely not what was received by my husband during a very crucial moment in the football game).  You get the picture ...

Debi Pearl continues " If you fight your husband's inadequacies or seek to be dominant where he is not, both of you will fail.  

Both of you will FAIL
But,

If you love him and support him with his inadequacies and without taking charge, both of you will succeed and grow."

(help me Lord)

~~~~

Something happens in the communication process from a woman's brain to her mouth ... speaking ... as that message enters the air, travels to her husbands ears, enters his brain and gets processed.

It all hinges on the intent of your heart for both the sender and receiver of the message as to how it will be communicated.  Here lies a moment I like to call 'An Opportunity for Change'; (I have replaced that moment in my thinking as an opportunity from a conflict or fight or argument.)

I am preparing to leave for a few days and I am wanting my husband to think like a woman (if the truth be known).  I am wanting him to want to sit by me, hold my hand, hug me, talk to me and store up as much 'love' as possible prior to my leaving.  What does he do? He's in a deer stand hunting ...

I think the biggest mistake I make is that I think my husband should think like me.  As I read Gary Thomas from Sacred Marriage and Debi Pearl from Created to be His Help Meet I see that my role in my marriage is evolving, becoming less about ME.  As a woman who has been married before, lived as a single mom, and then in my 40's remarried I have been given such a blessing.  

As Dr. Thomas puts it 

"We are to perfect holiness out of reverence for God and become a God-centered spouse not a Spouse-centered spouse."

So I study my husband ... more ... and I find he is a combination of a Command man and a Visionary according to Debi.  Knowing that, I have been COMPLETELY wrong in my approach to my husband.  As a command-man I have to learn "to enjoy the benefits of taking the second seat, and if I do not take offense to his headstrong aggressiveness, I will be the one sitting at his right side being adored, because this kind of man will totally adore his woman and exalt her."

"She will be his closest, and sometimes his only, confidante.  When he is treated with honor and reverence, a good help meet will find that her man will be wonderfully protective and supportive."

Go figure ... (she continues) he will not enjoy small talk, and a visionary "is consumed with a need to communicate with his words or actions.  He is the "voice crying out in the wilderness, striving to change the way humanity is behaving or thinking."  

She continues to give advice 

"if you are blessed to be married to a strong, forceful, bossy man, then it is very important for you to learn how to make an appeal without challenging his authority."

Oops ...

One final thought from Dr. Thomas--It's about the idea of flitting from one relationship to another, led by infatuations ... desperate to to find happiness.  In this desperation, we leave a path of destruction and 'bury potential life partners'.  

Hmmm ...

"There is no perfect 'soul mate' either for them or for us.  There will be only sinner after sinner after sinner."  If we can learn to accept and love 'one particular sinner over several decades, you can slowly build an alliance and intimacy that nothing else can match."

Sinner, after sinner after sinner.

O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things.  Isaiah 25:1