Self-Absorbed in Marriage

LESSON 25--A Little Movement ~ Let Up

In horse lessons you learn that as you and the horse are getting to know one another, that when you 'teach' them something new, if they demonstrate understanding at all ~ even just a tiny bit ~ you 'let up'.

When Nitro and I were being taught how to side step, LeAnn our trainer, would talk me through exactly how my body and reins were to be used to communicate with Nitro to cross over his front legs to the left or to the right.  I had to 'open' my body up on whichever side I wanted him to go and apply pressure on the opposite side.  If Nitro even took a tiny step in the correct direction, I would stop the pressure and praise Nitro.  Over time, Nitro was a pro.

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In marriage, I have this tendency to bring what I know from teaching in a classroom of 30, 11th-12th grade students into my home which doesn't translate too well.  For example, I have been known to readdress an issue we may have in our marriage over and over just to be sure the 'concept' has been embedded in my husband.  I would not recommend this.

Over time, I have learned just because I am processing an issue in my brain, does not mean it is an issue he is needing to process.  Plus, we process very differently.

My attempts at communicating a change I see that is needed in our relationship may not always be received by my husband as I intend it to be received.  His 'communication model reception tool' as I am talking, is translating that message as 'badgering' ... go figure ... :-/

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Here's my 'Ah Ha' moment ... use what I have learned from my lessons with Nitro. (This is all on me, my side of the communication model, just something I have observed in most husband/wife relationships.)

Instead of the big chunks of information I am trying to get across to my husband, present smaller chunks.  Back off when he receives ... even in the smallest amounts ... find a way to honor and love him through it.  Be aware of my self-absorbed nature to try to get it 'my way'.

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A story from Sacred Marriage (by Gary Thomas) that my husband and I found interesting about this topic;

"A true story;

A businessman moved over slightly as a young man crowded into the airplane seat next to him.  They both fastened their seat belts and the businessman good-naturedly inquired as to whether the young man was traveling on business or pleasure.  

"Pleasure," the young man replied.  "I'm on my honeymoon."

"Your honeymoon?" the businessman asked, mystified "Where's you wife?" 

"Oh, she's' a few rows back. The plane was full, so we couldn't get seats together." 

The plane hadn't started rolling yet, so the businessman said, "I'd be happy to change seats with her so that the two of you can be together." 

"That's okay, " they young man replied. "I've been talking to her all week."

One of the great spiritual challenges for any Christian is to become less self-absorbed.  We are born intensely self-focused.  The discipline of Christian marriage calls us into the Christian reality of sharing and enjoying fellowship in uniquely intimate way.  Maintaining the interest in and empathy for someone else is by no means and easy discipline to maintain--but it is a vital one.  It is a skill that must be learned."

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So you see, in my attempt 'to fix' I become self-focused.

Lord, help us in our marriages to recognize and empathize with our spouse when we communicate and as we share this wonderful blessing of marriage You created to glorify You.

Taking a Breath

Lesson 24 -- Breathe
verb ~ take air into the lungs and then expel it, especially as a regular physiological process.

Our Chickens

Our chickens are missing ... groups of feathers are found ... there's been a murder!

Eli, our dog, trots out to the front pasture as I watch from the front window, and she stops -- smells, turns her body, and smells more.  I ask my husband what in the world is she doing?

Eli

He says, "she's processing it".  I say, "so she smells and thinks ... hmmm that's a different smell ... and then she 'records' it in her memory".  Husband says, "yes, something like that."  I say, "I have always wondered what the conversation would be like if dogs could talk."  He says, "They would be saying, 'Smell that?  Smell that? Ooo, Smell that?'"
I laughed ... So Eli found the scent of the 'visitor' and put it to memory.

Breath is vital to our being in so many ways, to animals it is communication 101.

In my Pilate class we were learning about breathing and how with our breathe we 'process' what is going on in our body ... it is also where we can kind of 're-set', like when you push the esc key on your keyboard, only with your body.

Later in the week, my husband asked me if I knew anything about the exchange of breath between two horses when they meet for the first time.  I told him I had never witnessed two horses meeting for the first time.  He explained that they position their bodies so that they have nostril to nostril and exchange breath ... processing ...

Nitro

Isn't that interesting?  

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I started searching in the Bible for breath and found;

The power of the breath of God in divine inspiration pervades Scripture. God breathed “the breath of life” into Adam (Genesis 2:7), and Jesus “breathed on them and said, ‘Receive the Holy Spirit’” (John 20:22).
Consider the 'air you breathe, the breath you take' today, I know I will.

I would love to hear your thoughts. Leave a comment!

To Be Known

What is it about 'Being Known'?  From my perspective, it is at the core of what I desire in marriage; to be known, vulnerable and then once you take that leap ... for 'that' person (the person you are) your heart and soul ~ to be loved, cherished and protected by your husband.  Now that is my heart's desire.

While reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge there are many key elements necessary in a girl's life as she is growing up that contribute to becoming a healthy, happy adult woman.  Some of these things we have learned as a little girl. 

"We learned what it meant to be feminine--and if we were feminine--while we were very young.  Women learn from their mothers what it means to be a woman, and from their fathers the value that a woman has--the value they have as a woman."

The key here is if 'a woman is comfortable with her own femininity, her beauty, her strength, then the chances are good that her daughter will be too.'

But the real answer to our primary question as a girl "Daddy, am I lovely? Am I captivating? Do you see me?" this is answered by our fathers.

To BE KNOWN is to be seen and and loved.  

"We need to know that our daddies are strong and will protect us; we need to know that our fathers are on our side.  The answer to our question we first find from our fathers." Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

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Rest assured that our Heavenly Father 'sees' us as His daughter and His Beloved!  This I know, but my question is how much of what causes struggles in marriage relationships begin with our perceptions from childhood ~ as a woman and as a man.

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I know a man who has completely filled his daughter to the brim with adoration and validation throughout her life.  She is his only daughter, and his eyes light up anytime he is with her.  As a result, this girl has grown up to be a woman 'complete' in 'being known'.  That question has been asked and answered for her.

In the book Devotions for Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas one reading is about a husband and wife who get separated in France as they prepare to run a marathon.  When they finally find each other, the embrace brings tears to the woman. 

(It brought tears to my eyes when my husband read it.)

Gary talks about how our marriages can become sanctuaries, 'sheltering us' ... he talks about some of the struggles of marriage--

"how it's worth the pain, how it calls us to sacrifice, commitment, and so forth--but please, let's not forget the great joy and blessing of being known and being loved."

What a risk -- to be known, and this relationship of marriage.  It is ironic to me how the very thing we desire requires such vulnerability and trust that so few can experience it.  

(Hmmm, vulnerability and trust--just a thought--just like baby Jesus.  God ... vulnerable ... trusting ... if you enter into relationship ... if you risk ... if you sacrifice ... just a thought)

Especially those who have experienced hurt while in relationship.  Many marriages are 'at arms length', they look the part, but aren't quite there.  Then I know other married relationships who took the risk, and have experienced that deep trust in another person ... you can see it and feel it when you are with them.  

What a blessing.

Lord, heal the wounds that separate us from You and Being Known by our spouses.  It is Your desire, Your design that we bind our hearts with our husband/wife and find sanctuary in him/her.

Amen

Winter

We are as soil and if we can allow The Lord's grace to fertilize the soil ....  

Ann Voskamp talks about when you have an empty place, a crack in dry soil, for example, something is going to fill that crack ... may it be The Lord ...

This writing is about how we can affect that which fills us when we are thirsty and dry.

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In the winter there is a decrease in - 
Vitamin D
Sun on skin
Physical exercise 
 - I must stay alert to where my thoughts take my feelings.  

Then what is it about the other three seasons; Spring, Summer and Fall that usher in healthy thinking.  
Maybe it's -
New life in the Spring
Warmth and water fun in the summer
or 
Changing color that cools skin 
 - bringing healthy thoughts.


Winter brings illness, cabin fever and amplified 'aloneness' to so many.  

January follows the family gatherings and we begin a new year.

On the other hand -- Snow-covered ground is a peaceful sight as it seems to quiet nature, as a blanket quiets a child.  

Take captive your thoughts! 

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Our horses are moved to our other farm 'to winter there'.

And it's change, once again dealing with the empty.

I have a dear friend who was sharing with me how difficult it is for her to just rest ... as in, do nothing.  I am wondering if that is what Ann is talking about ... the filling.

I also wonder about what is meant by Sabbath.  Priscilla Shirer has written a Bible Study called Breathe, making room for sabbath and she is asking in the beginning if we know we are 'a captive'...'a slave'.  

Harriet Tubman, the great emancipator of thousands of slaves in America, is quoted as saying "I freed thousands of slaves. I could have freed thousands more, if they had known they were slaves."

Priscilla continues saying "God always and eternally intended the Sabbath to be a lifestyle--an attitude, a perspective, an orientation for living that enables us to govern our lives and steer clear of bondage."

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Questions to ask;
Am I a slave to busy?
With what am I filling my 'dryness' of winter and winters to come?
Will I accept change and give thanks for what IS or will I 'fill the empty' with old thinking/feeling?