Self-Absorbed in Marriage

LESSON 25--A Little Movement ~ Let Up

In horse lessons you learn that as you and the horse are getting to know one another, that when you 'teach' them something new, if they demonstrate understanding at all ~ even just a tiny bit ~ you 'let up'.

When Nitro and I were being taught how to side step, LeAnn our trainer, would talk me through exactly how my body and reins were to be used to communicate with Nitro to cross over his front legs to the left or to the right.  I had to 'open' my body up on whichever side I wanted him to go and apply pressure on the opposite side.  If Nitro even took a tiny step in the correct direction, I would stop the pressure and praise Nitro.  Over time, Nitro was a pro.

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In marriage, I have this tendency to bring what I know from teaching in a classroom of 30, 11th-12th grade students into my home which doesn't translate too well.  For example, I have been known to readdress an issue we may have in our marriage over and over just to be sure the 'concept' has been embedded in my husband.  I would not recommend this.

Over time, I have learned just because I am processing an issue in my brain, does not mean it is an issue he is needing to process.  Plus, we process very differently.

My attempts at communicating a change I see that is needed in our relationship may not always be received by my husband as I intend it to be received.  His 'communication model reception tool' as I am talking, is translating that message as 'badgering' ... go figure ... :-/

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Here's my 'Ah Ha' moment ... use what I have learned from my lessons with Nitro. (This is all on me, my side of the communication model, just something I have observed in most husband/wife relationships.)

Instead of the big chunks of information I am trying to get across to my husband, present smaller chunks.  Back off when he receives ... even in the smallest amounts ... find a way to honor and love him through it.  Be aware of my self-absorbed nature to try to get it 'my way'.

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A story from Sacred Marriage (by Gary Thomas) that my husband and I found interesting about this topic;

"A true story;

A businessman moved over slightly as a young man crowded into the airplane seat next to him.  They both fastened their seat belts and the businessman good-naturedly inquired as to whether the young man was traveling on business or pleasure.  

"Pleasure," the young man replied.  "I'm on my honeymoon."

"Your honeymoon?" the businessman asked, mystified "Where's you wife?" 

"Oh, she's' a few rows back. The plane was full, so we couldn't get seats together." 

The plane hadn't started rolling yet, so the businessman said, "I'd be happy to change seats with her so that the two of you can be together." 

"That's okay, " they young man replied. "I've been talking to her all week."

One of the great spiritual challenges for any Christian is to become less self-absorbed.  We are born intensely self-focused.  The discipline of Christian marriage calls us into the Christian reality of sharing and enjoying fellowship in uniquely intimate way.  Maintaining the interest in and empathy for someone else is by no means and easy discipline to maintain--but it is a vital one.  It is a skill that must be learned."

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So you see, in my attempt 'to fix' I become self-focused.

Lord, help us in our marriages to recognize and empathize with our spouse when we communicate and as we share this wonderful blessing of marriage You created to glorify You.