Back in the Saddle

Yes, it happened....I did it!!  I got back on a horse.  Notice I said "A horse".

My husband sent a few of our horses to be trained.  Monday, they returned them after 30 days of work.  Sugar, our youngest horse, was one of those horses and now is considered to be 'broken'.  As I listened to the conversation between trainer and husband I heard words like lowered her head, bending her neck, cautious, attentive, quick to catch on, thoughful and that got my attention.

A part of me feels 'disloyal' to Nitro, but Sugar has my attention.  As I watched the trainer saddle her and ride her next to our other horse (my husband rode Jewels who just returned from training also) I became courious.  Then I thought, my husband has a plan, he will want me to ride Sugar.  Here's where there is a choice and a risk.  

What will I do?  If I try to ride Sugar, will she be 'steady' or will she move as I mount her? Will I be able to trust and move out of this fear?  My husband is watching and has gone to all this trouble I should at least try.  

Or ... remain in my fear and stay at this place.

Life is a lot like this.  

My husband and I have been placed in situations lately where we have witnessed people who choose to remain in pain and relationally stuck.   In the book Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas he introduces me to functional fixedness which is a man's reluctance to change.  This is where there is no change if what we've been doing seems to be working.  "In order for him to change, it needs to be more compelling than your (his wife's) unhappiness or private misery with the situation."  

For me, this is applicable with my husband and adult son (the male brain). Too many times, I have used words to describe how what they were doing makes me feel.  I am learning that the more I assert myself, he senses that I am trying to "take over."  So his response is to get defensive, and stay functionally fixed.  So, here's the key ~ read about submission; Genesis 3:16, 1 Corinthians 11:3, Ephesians 5:22-32, Colossians 3:18-19 and 1 Timothy 2:12-14.  

I can feel your withdrawing disapproval of my saying anything about submission ladies, but you have to understand the true meaning .... how God intended ... the complementarian role for us.    

Gary Thomas says "your husand will change as you allow him to be head of his home and as you are submissive to him.  He will not change by your nagging, belittling, suggesting, reminding, or mothering."

Back to Sugar, the horse ... you know, the reason this blog was started ... horses ... yes I rode her.  She and I took a couple of laps around the arena and we did just fine :-)

I hope you see the connection and find encouragement as you read God's word. 

Please ... Post a comment ~ I think it works now.

Blessings

Body Language ... a horse and you

LESSON 18--Hollow Bit vs. Rounded and Soft Bit

When you learn how to read the body language of a horse, you learn how to communicate with that horse.  LeAnn has it down.  She explained all the areas of a horse and how every one is connected to each other.  As I've shared before, the rebellious horse keeps his body long, neck long and tugs and fights the bit when you direct him; a cooperative horse is said to have a more 'rounded' body, or a 'soft' bit -- doesn't fight the bit.

I have a long long way to go to get this in horsemanship, there is still hesitation and second guessing of my skill-level which translates to fear for me (which is a HUGE 'no no' in horsemanship).  Reading body language and developing confidence while addressing the fear will be my next step in this journey with Nitro.

I am very good at reading body language in relationships with human beings.  In fact, I guess having had all these years as a teacher, I would have to say I am most comfortable watching behavior and then listening to conversations between people.

My question today is do I live with a hollow bit?  I am living from a perception of 'meeting my expectations' or am I remembering my obligations?

In the book "Devotions for a Sacred Marriage" Gary Thomas describes how 'expectations assault a marriage that doesn't live up to perfection; obligations protect a marriage at its weakest moments.  Expectations slowly wear down a marriage, while fulfilling obligations steadily builds up that union.   Expectations foster fear and disappointment; meeting our obligations births intimacy and love.'

This is that 'loving them anyway' moment (one of my previous posts).  So when I get up in the morning (this is just an example for applications sake) and find dirty socks on the floor and my 'expectation' is that there will not be dirty clothes on the floor, it should be in a hamper or in the laundry room, not in the hallway of the living room I have a choice.  I can focus on what I wish would have happened and my husband would have picked up the socks knowing that I do not like dirty clothes randomly scattered on the floor throughout the house (usually where ever it happened to be that they were removed--oh yeah, this is just an example--oops).  If I walk through the house picking up after him with that expectation in my heart, its as if he is in my head saying 'I don't care about you, I'm just going to cause you more work, our home doesn't mean anything to me ....' get the picture ladies????

It is unwise to evaluate your marriage based on any given moment. Gary Thomas

I am also learning from the book he wrote "Sacred Influence" ~ What if your husband's faults are God's tools to shape you?  What if what most bugs me about my husband constitutes God's plan to teach me something new?

Follow with me ... Here's the trap -- I express to my husband how I don't want dirty clothes on the floor throughout the house.  After several such conversations, he still doesn't change -- or he does change for a few days and then goes back to his old habits, at which point I complain again.  Still, no long-term change.  I am making the error in assuming that I am not getting through to him.  Gary Thomas says that I am getting through to him;

"he may fully understand and be completely aware of her pain, but he's not motivated by her pain.   If he likes the marriage as it is, he'll put up with an occasional disagreeable conversation now and then."

So, just as Nitro gets the request I make ... my need is not received as his obligation to accommodate me.

It all goes back to who you are ... are you a woman of respect?  Just as in 1 Timothy 4:15 Paul wants Timothy to know, "You're not perfect, but people should see progress in your life."  This won't happen by accident, I must be (as Paul writes) "diligent in these matters," "persevering in them". 1 Timothy 4:16.

When you "grow in character, when you sink your spiritual roots deep, when you learn to hear God's voice and build your mind with his wisdom, when you allow his Holy Spirit to transform our character and reshape you heart, then you can make your husband fall in love with you over and over again. He will be all the more motivated to maintain your respect and affection.  Nothing compared to being married to a godly woman ~ nothing" ...Gary Thomas, Sacred Influence.

In the book he remembers an interview of several widowed ladies from 9-11 and when asked how their life had changed, one woman said how much she hates to hear wives talk badly about their husbands.  Another woman jumped into the conversation and said how much she would give to walk into the bathroom and find the lid up on the toilet.

So....I'm picking up those socks and giving thanks for my husband, focusing on the positive qualities he has blessed our marriage with and not the negative ones.....

How about you?

or

You could alway 'fight the bit'..... its definitely your choice.

Colonoscopy made 'easy'

I will bet very few people will read this post unless they are preparing to have this test, which is recommended for 50+ people.  It is the day before this procedure and I'm going to tell you all about it.

As a woman who has had 2 natural births, one mis-carriage and many paps smears, mammograms and preventative exams; I am thinking this is a precaution as my age has brought this on, just as many others.  My dear friend's mom had colon cancer and to this day continues with those health issues.  My mom has diverticulitis and I am moving forward with this to do my best to keep both from happening to me if at all possible.

So, if you are like me and you want to know what to expect and how to make this as easy as possible, I have decided to describe as tastefully as possible this process.

Step ONE--The physician calls you on the phone to schedule the day ~ mine is tomorrow, June 10.

Step TWO--You will receive a phone call where they ask you health questions, go over the process and you pick up your 'prescription' with all instructions attached the next day.

Step THREE--purchase items to get you through one full day on only clear liquids.  (I purchased jello and a few more items), and pick up prescription.

Step FOUR--eat your last meal (I awoke early, had a good breakfast).  My procedure is in the morning at 7:00 am.

Step FIVE--prepare jello and add water to 'the jug'.  This is a gallon-sized plastic jug with a dry substance in it.  I am not a doctor, so I leave the medical stuff up to them.  If you want the official name for the stuff it is PEG-3350/KCL/SOD Lemon-Lime 4000ML

I'm SOOOO looking forward to drinking all of that!!

Step SIX--Do not eat anything until 5:00 pm before your procedure, then drink a 6-8 ounce glass every 15 minutes until 1/2 of the container is consumed.  Four hours prior to your departure time, drink a 6-8 ounce glass every 15 minutes until the remaining 1/2 of the container is consumed.  You must have the drink completed at least 2 hours prior to your arrival.  I am to arrive at 7 am, so lets do the math.

By 5 am I must have consumed the entire jug.  Let's say it will take 6 glasses to finish this off, so I'm up at 3 am drinking the rest of this stuff.  Now I am wondering about travel, it takes us 30 minutes to get to the doctors office, so I should start the drinking at 2:30 am --- YIKES!!

It is 8:13 am now June 9 .... and I have been up since 5:30 am .... so I will add to this post later.

Now it is almost noon and I am doing okay, just finished off my jello!  Here are some of the items you are allowed to have; apple juice, low sodium chicken or beef broth, tea, coffee, sodas honey, popsicles and plain hard candy; nothing RED in color.

I must admit that I became very cranky between 12 noon and 5, and my husband deserves all the credit for getting me through that time ... I'm ashamed to admit that I am an ugly 'faster'.

It is approaching 5:00 pm now, and that is when I have to start drinking the liquid.  I have decided to pour it into glasses measuring 8 ounces per glass, and that way I can see my progress.  

First I poured 1/2 the jug into a container to decrease the large liquid amount perception and then I measured out the portions to be taken in every 15 minutes until they were gone.  

The last two glasses were very difficult to get down, and I became very cold as I completed the task.  The 'cycle' was complete by approximately 9:00 pm and I took a warm bath, then off to bed with my alarm set for 2:30 am to finish off the last 1/2 of the drink.  

I slept fairly well, and found the second half of the jug more difficult to consume, but I did so by 4:00 am.  Once 6:00 am came, I was definitely 'prepared' for the exam.

I took a quick shower, took off my wedding rings and wore comfortable clothes.  I would have liked to have had footies from home if I had to do it over again, my feet were cold.

Now at the office, they check you in with your driver, attach the wrist band and take you to a small hospital-like room.  You put on the hospital gown, the nurse takes your vitals and starts an IV.  By 8:00 am I was taken to the exam room where I met the doctor who explained the procedure and had me sign the release form.

The next thing I knew, they placed a nose device for me to breath through and then gave me the drug to put me to sleep which also has a medicine that makes you forget the procedure.

Finally, I'm back in my room where I started eating a cracker and drinking juice.  They talked to my husband about the findings (which were excellent!! Praise God!!) and I heard them say "we won't need to see you in another 10 years".

We are home by 10:00 am and all is well.

I hope this helps simplify this procedure as colon cancer is pretty much symptomless and this procedure also detects many other health issues that can be treated before they take your life.  So, drink the stuff and just do it!! 

Thank you my dear dear husband for praying for me and staying with me through this.

Groundwork

Lesson 17--Groundwork

This is the lesson I forgot or rushed past when I 'fell' off of Nitro last month.  LeAnn ALWAYS insisted on creating checkpoints for safety and health prior to EVER getting on the back of a horse.

She spent months with me before I rode Nitro.

The first thing she trained me to do after catching Nitro was to tie him safely to the rail for grooming.  There are certain heights of rails that are safe and others that are too low and create an unsafe environment for training.  Once you tie off your horse, you take an assessment of your horse as you brush him down and clean out his hoofs.  After this, if needed, fly spray; then off to the arena.  In the arena you can lunge him in both directions, saddle him, then take the reins off and have him trot around the arena to 'get all the kinks out'.

Groundwork develops trust between Nitro and me along with a routine in our relationship.  Nitro is a very good horse and likes to know what is next in the routine.  It keeps him calm and easy to work with.  The more time I spend on groundwork with Nitro the closer our relationship, the easier the riding.

Hmmmm......

My ability to manage life day to day might just be related to the amount of time I spend in The Word.  My relationship with God is strengthened by the amount of time I spend with Him.

I am reading a new book  "Sacred Influence" by Gary Thomas.  It is about how God uses wives to shape the souls of their husbands.  In his book I am learning more about how women are more invested in relationships and marriage then men.  We are also very prone to marriage becoming idolatry.  I can identify with this, mostly this is a subconscious thing for me, but as I read about this concept, and watch and listen to women (especially those who are having trouble in their marriage) I see how this is an issue.

Gary Thomas says "While some women define themselves on the basis of how one man or men in general views them and accepts them, as a Christian woman you have the opportunity to define yourself in relation to your Creator." He continues to use the following scripture references;

Deuteronomy 33:27 TOPIC ~ Who does the Bible say is your refuge?  "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms."

First Peter 1:21 TOPIC ~ In whom does your hope lie?  "Your faith and hope are in God".

Philippians 4:19 TOPIC ~ Where will you find your security?  "My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus".

Isaiah 62:5 TOPIC ~ Where will you find supreme acceptance?  "As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you".

"If you're trying to find your primary refuge in your husband, if you've centered your hope on him, if your security depends on his approval, and if you will do almost anything to gain his acceptance -- then you've just given to a man what rightfully belongs to God alone."

~OUCH~

So you see,  GROUNDWORK my dear friend!!!  I need to do more of it!!! How about you?

~  ~  ~

I have two more ideas I want to ask you to ponder.

One is accepting the aging and 'ending' process as part of this thing called life.

I am now officially 'retired' and I have heard so many different comments about this, many have opened my mind and heart to an area I have never considered before.

 The concept of being okay for 'it' to be over.  ('It' can be anything)

Like, this 'being over' is a part of it all, His design.

*Those wrinkles and sagging skin, yea, that too.

*Those things you used to be able to do and continue to do but in different ways, with sore muscles and aches and pains after.

*Those medical procedures following a fall or too much use, yea, the way they fixed it did NOT bring it back to the way it was prior.  (I still can't lift my left eyebrow, and guess what, I'm not seeking plastic surgery to make it 'look' better ... I've got a scar, I'm not 20 yrs. old anymore and that's okay).

And the looming question "What are you going to do now?"  It's like I am now OLD, and put out to pasture, just because I planned and put in my years as a teacher; all I am doing (brace yourself, this is practical Cindy now) is stopping the SPS payroll and starting the PEERS Missouri Teacher Retirement, for which I paid in to at the absolute financial maximum; unless I were to become an administrator or get my Educational Doctoral Degree (no thank you).

Secondly and my final idea I would like to share, because it caused one of the most profound changes in my marriage.  (Again, from Gary Thomas--our devotional)

There is no one to blame but myself in sharing this, so don't think I'm pointing my finger at you when I say my view about marriage has NOT been based on Luke 6:35-36.  I have been using the premise that (and I'll bet many of you women, if you're honest with yourself have too) I base love on "because,' not on "anyway."  I love you "because" you're good to me.  I'll love you "because' you're kind, because you're considerate, because you keep the romance alive.

Mr. Thomas continues with saying in Luke, Jesus says we shouldn't love "because"; we should love "anyway."  "If we love someone because he's good to us, or she gives back to us, or he's kind to us, we're acting no better than your average, everyday, common sinner who lives without the regenerating influence of the Holy Spirit."

He goes on to say "But if you love a man who disappoints you, who may forget an anniversary or two, who can be a little selfish or a little self-absorbed--now you're loving 'anyway,' and that's what I call my followers to do.  I doing that, you're following the model of the heavenly Father, who loves the ungrateful and the wicked."

Am I willing to love 'anyway'? or am I only willing to love 'because'?  Will I love if he doesn't appreciate me, or if he takes me for granted, or if he isn't nearly as kind to me as I am to him?  If my behavior and fits and tantrums and badgering and raised voice screams "NO"!  then at least I need to admit this:  I'm acting just like someone who has never known the Lord.  "Almost every faithless marriage is based on "because" love.  Christians are called to "anyway" love."

Check back with me in a week and see how this 'anyway' love thing is going, or send me a PM on Facebook because posting comments to my blogs just aren't working.  Sorry.  And share with me how it's working for you.

Blessings!

Basic Salad Dressing

I use Smart Balance Oil or Olive Oil, red onions cut very very tiny, our honey, habenero mustard and lemon juice for this salad dressing.  It is really easy, and really good.

Another thing I do, is I do NOT add to the salad until it is served or I allow each person to put as much on their salad as they want.

1/2 cup honey (recipe calls for sugar)

1/3 cup lemon juice

2 t chopped red onion

2/3 cup oil

1 t mustard (recipe calls for Dijon) 

Mix with wisk and place in refrigerator, stir before using.

Praise, How Much Do You Need It?

LESSON 16--Give praise only in the form of a pat or stroke; nothing more.

When I was first learning about horses, I mean really learning (not like when I was a child and just ran out to see them and jump on to ride) the topic of giving praise came up in a lesson.  I was snuggling with Nitro, standing close and telling him how great he was.  LeAnn explained again how too much praise is not good.  She continued to explain how dangerous it is to feed a horse a snack, like to bring sugar cubes in your pocket to give them.  It sets up a relationship where praise or a treat is expected.  This is the horse/owner relationship as LeAnn shared "you feed him, take care of  him, have a barn for him, he is to work for you.  That's what horses are, not pets.  Get a dog if you want a pet."

I find that interesting as I look at what praise really is and how much I depend on it to validate me.  

The definition for praise as a noun is to express warm approval or admiration of, to commend, applaud, eulogize, compliment, congratulate.  The noun definition of praise is the expression of approval or admiration for someone or something, to acclaim or admire.

Follow this thinking ~ So receiving praise elicits a feeling, and elevates self.  The feeling of self isn't the center of reality.  God is the center of reality.  So why is praise so sought after?  Why win, or become successful, or receive applause, or receive an award?  For validation?  To make you feel worthy?  Where does this need come from?  Is it fear? Fear of not being enough, if you don't accomplish?

So if I'm not 'all that' and I give up all that might bring me praise, that would leave me entirely in the hands of Jesus.  Think about it .... if God gets all the praise and you seek none ..... you become intentional about identifying when you are fearful,

or feeling 'less-than-worthy' or 'abandon-able'.

Charles Traub. Louisville, 1976

Now let's get real.  Lets talk about those angry words and thoughts between you and your spouse this week.  Let's look at an example and see where those thoughts take us.

End of teaching career, anxiety about walking out of the building for the last time.  I hand over my keys and say a few good-byes, try to keep it light.  I get home, see on Facebook pictures of family in far off places singing happy birthday to my daughter, my son holding up a huge fish; both very happy and doing fine, I'm not there.  Husband hears me playing the recording on my iPad of the family singing happy birthday and he is watching a TV show.  He does not know what I am listening to, just is annoyed I would do so during his program in the same room.  He turns up the TV volume.  I am swept away with emotion. My thoughts are .... oh, a birthday with family and I'm not there .... I'm here ... and the volume continues to increase ... I say in a not so nice tone "what are you doing?"  And it begins.

If you are a mother, you would understand that when I saw that they video'd the event I immediately clicked on the play button, no thought about anything around me.  (This is TOTALLY different then my husband pushing the play button to hear a cattle auction during my TV program).  And when my husband turned up the volume on the TV my brain thought this ..."how rude, that's just a silly TV show, this is a birthday I missed and he's choosing that TV program over what he should know is very important to me."
In my husband's mind he has no idea what I'm listening to, just that I automatically caused noise to make it difficult to hear the TV and any time he does that with his iPad, he has to plug in his headset."

I'm far from where he is in his thinking and he goes to the basement ... I follow ... not a pretty sight on my part.  My husband, however does not accelerate in his emotions as I obviously have and he asks where did this creep in? What have I been looking at?  Praise God for him, because I was creating all sort of scenarios in my head.  Here are a few, and I am wondering how many women do this and thus place WAY too much on their relationship with their husband.

I was missing my children, feeling left out of the family (which is a hot button for me), feeling like my husband didn't care, I was retiring and look what I was going to be dealing with.  I think after we 'raise' our children, find ourselves alone with our husband without the demands, praises and joys our children bring, stress can increase in a marriage; or you can just stay busy and absent.

The mother/child relationship brings control, mandatory praise ('say please and thank you' or I won't...) and living vicariously through our children and their accomplishments.  How proud we are when our children do well, what praise we receive.  I wonder how many of us either re-live our childhood through our children or have the childhood we never had through our children?

So, I conclude, it is time to focus on ridding ourselves of the fear; it is the honest core to all of this.  And as I've shared before, Ann VosKamp reminds me that "All fear is but the notion that God's love ends. Did you think I end that My bread warehouses are limited, that I will not be enough?  But I am infinite child.  What can end in Me? Can life end in Me?  Can happiness or peace? or anything you need?  Doesn't your Father always give you what you need?"

In The Sacred Marriage devotion by Gary Thomas I learned that 'the love that we seek is not a thing of enthusiastic emotion.  And if we stop loving when the feelings fade, we reveal that we are motivated by mere emotions more that by Gods call on our lives.  He explains how marriage is practice for loving...as Christ loves...How if we learn this our hearts enlarge and bulge with Gods goodness, if we choose to withdraw into a silent marriage our hearts start to calcify and shrink.  That the first feeling of infatuation is innate, or natural ... takes no effort ... Marriage takes effort and teaches us how to love'.

As I walked out of my classroom, I recognized how this has been a place God has provided for me and I am assured if He has done this much blessing thus far, one can only imagine what He's capable of doing in my future!  It reminded me of Exodus 16;1-36 about how the Lord provided manna for His people as long as they were faithful.

This is a picture from my car after I left my last day of teaching.

My last thought is;

Don't let emotions determine what reality is for you.