Elderly Parent Living with You

We have the wonderful opportunity and blessing to bring a parent into our home due to memory needs.  This decision was and is a prayerful one that did not come as easily for me as it did my husband (whose Mother is living with us).  I want to share some quick thoughts if ever you find yourself with this opportunity and insights as we progress.

First and foremost my heart and thinking had to be changed; from immediate to eternal.  

Our first extended visit when we were considering this, my frustration was getting the best of me. I remember saying to God (while standing in my kitchen) this is NOT what I had in mind just one year after my retirement! The next thing I experienced was the feeling you would have when a bucket of cold water is poured over your head. And these words were spoken to my heart with a vision of our family member in heaven - arms extended to me - she was returned to her 'full self', beautiful in every way - "Cindy, I know what you did for me".  I fell on my knees sobbing and saying aloud 'ok Lord I get it -- ok! I am sorry.'

I cannot tell you how much peace I have had since then and how many people have spoken into my life about the blessings of caring for elderly family members - further confirmation.

I hope you will check back as I will be sharing more about this adventure in life.

Blessings friends. Oh, and sorry for being away for a while.

A request on aging

Just opened a social media site and saw my daughter on a job site as a professional and all the years flew by in my head.  There she is, this timid, tiny, brilliant, thoughtful little girl all grown up.

My Mom always said "Don't wish your life away" when I would lament about wishing I was older.  Now I see what she meant.

This is the second beginning of school year for me and today I am melancholy.  

How to put into words what I am going through ... it's not that I want to be returning to my career as educator, I think it's all about the reality of how finite this journey is.

Don't say it!! I know, I know ... Baby Boomers don't like to talk about the fact that we will die.  And definitely NOT a Facebook worthy topic ~ too dark and dismal.  But here goes.

Yesterday I was in a near car wreck, so close that when I got home I noticed white paint on my front right fender.  Can you imagine what that would have been like?  To be going 60 mph on 60 highway and to be hit on the right fender by someone crossing two lanes without looking, coming right at me.  I hit my horn, hit my brakes and called for "Jesus" ~ only to find paint on my front right fender.

~~~

Parents are in there 80's, kids are in there late 20's early 30's, career is behind me and much of life has happened.  Through effort, planning, spending and striving the first half of life has whisked away.  Presently, there are struggles with life issues as usual, but I want to write a letter.  I want to share my wishes if ever I am not able to communicate or as I age, my rights to choose (as dementia sets in) may keep my voice silent.

[This is for all those without a voice dealing with life in an aging body and a mind that struggles with the simplest things.]

Dear Family, Friends and Church,

I, Cynthia Kaye (Hanman) Shannon, being of sound mind would like to make known my wishes.

As I age and my ability to communicate diminishes, know this:

I beg you to continue to treat me as you would if I were looking in your eyes, speaking as I usually do and behaving as I usually behave.  

You see, I am noticing that people disappear into Nursing Home stares when 'caregivers' can't see the 'person' anymore.  As people age, there's a decrease in respecting who they are--they become 'unseen'.  

How you treat me while in this state is a reflection of who you truly are ... inside ... If I have lost my short-term memory and ask you over and over the same things--your ability to see and continue to respect me is directly attributed to the core of who you are, and where your truth is found.  

How you deal with family about my care reflects your emotional maturity and self control.  Remember -- Hurt people hurt people -- I was always told that -- and it's true.  

I am a Christian, and if you are as well, remember; 

The Beatitudes

3 “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

4 God blesses those who mourn,
 for they will be comforted.

5 God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.

6 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,for they will be satisfied.

7 God blesses those who are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.

8 God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God.

9 God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God.

My surroundings are important to me -- keep them constant, unchanging -- and my faith/church family are my lifeline.  Please keep me in a familiar environment, with my things around me, especially my  Bible.  Make it easy for me ... not hard, I won't ask for much, because I may feel 'less than', not a contributing member to society anymore and 'a burden' to you. (Or at least that's what I will be fighting in my thought life.)

Make me feel worthy, wanted and loved no matter what my body/mind may be presenting.  Remember me as I have been all these years past and offer me grace.  If I ask a strange request, maybe you could just do it?  Maybe we just changed the sheets on my bed and I've forgotten--see it as an opportunity to spend more time with me watching as I make it 'just right' and share tidbits of how to make a bed, or how my Mom did it.  This is your blessing ... these moments are precious ... these bring 'worth' and joy to me.

I know you are busy.  

I know you are raising a family and working.  

I did those things too.  

This 'care thing' is a HUGE deal, I get it.  But know this, I am doing my very best to manage all these issues I'm facing and really really don't want to burden you, and I see you ~ your effort and care for me ~ my spirit can tell your intent and I am thankful.

~~~~

Talk about death ... spoiler warning

It's Okay to 'unplug' me (sing hymns and pray me into heaven please), but please don't cremate this vessel The Lord has given me.  Where you bury me does not matter to me--I would like to be next to my husband and near family for your convenience, but I am gone and what/where you lay my body is for those left behind.  For this reason understand that 'visiting' my gravesite is all about you ... do not create any thoughts or feelings of guilt from me if you don't visit the gravesite.  Do so in remembrance of me ... but if you talk to me at that spot, know you are praying and I am in heaven rejoicing in a new body awaiting you--praying you will be joining me. (By the way -- I'll be with my first grandson, Ren--we will be playing and hugging ALOT.)

The things I have accumulated will be important for my children Ian and Amanda to have...namely the antiques that have been passed down to me from my mother and father's families.  The silver reindeer is Carrie's (she will know).  These things will be of no use for my husband if I go first, they are just things to him.

Protect me from being taken advantage of -- 

I see this so much as people age and they no longer place as much value on money and things, but they trust very easily, they especially trust those who visit often and 'help' them with the immediate needs and fill those lonely hours.  

Beware of those with greedy intent.

~~~

Help me to continue to have adult conversations or at least be with others and to go outdoors -- Oh, and shopping, maybe a movie, take me with you don't be ashamed of me or afraid to allow me to join you in life events.  So many times because of my frailness I can't go and do, I get that, but try every once in a while. 

Don't just plop me in front of a TV, with the volume  up loud --- YIKES!!

Read the Bible to me or even let me listen to podcasts or Christian radio.

Thank you for loving the most difficult ... we are called to love the unlovable you know.

Matthew 5

46 If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. 47 If you are kind only to your friends,[s] how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. 48 But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.

Blessings,

Cindy

The purse

I picked up this purse in a shop across from the hospital when I went to purchase a pair of socks.  It was one of those purchases that was impulse, but not really.  I had been looking for a purse that didn't have a brand plastered on the front of it.  It has become my mainstay through this life event.

A new purse, one month later, home only seven days, eight days in the hospital, almost three weeks in rehabilitation center, ten radiation treatments and who knows how many miles driven.

I'm going home.

The crisis has passed.

I wish I could give you a nice, Facebook-worthy pat on the back ... you know a report with a picture of which you find it significant enough to share with all your friends that represents how wonderful you're doing.  All I have is a purse and a 'kind of' list representing my thoughts.

Practicing selflessness is hard.  

Staying quiet yet present is hard.

Being kind when you really want to throw a fit is hard.

Feeling but not allowing yourself to follow your feelings is hard.

Choosing your words carefully is hard.

Listening when you're tired is hard.

Sleeping in a hospital room is hard.

Eating 'whatever' is hard.

Pressing through when there is 'shocking' news is hard.

But 

Believing each day you are given what you need for that day ... makes it easy.

Knowing in your heart of hearts you are loved by the One who created you ... makes it easy.

Realizing just the smallest gesture, smile, or word helps ... makes it easy.

Finding thankfulness in tender moments ... makes it easy.

Knowing you have to stay in today and not in the future ... makes it easy.

Relationships change during life events like this.  What was so very valuable and 'worth your time' in the past has now lost its value.  Simple, authentic, unselfish moments or things (like a purse) carry the moment from what seems unreal to real.  There's a transcendent moment when we have an exchange between people ... could be spoken or not ... could be a look into one anothers eyes ... could be a smile or hug ... could be a hand shake or a word.  It's that moment when you exchange yourself -- who you are -- with them.  This, I think, is a glimpse of God and His love.

Over time we become acclimated to an environment.  I have experienced this in the school setting -- you get in a rhythm of sorts, it becomes comfortable.  Your movement through the halls is natural, with greetings and entering/exiting from one space to another.  I think once this happens we can offer ourselves more fully to one another -- without fear of rejection or threat of harm -- there's a rhythm and we are 'safe' to share ourselves. 

I have also noticed that once you become acclimated in an environment, there is a 're-entry' margin when you return home.  Your body and daily routine has changed yet again.  There isn't a need for acute alertness with the entry of yet another stranger in the room.

Thank you for the blessings Lord that accompany such life events.  Blessings that are unearned, unexpected and have healed my heart in many unspoken places.

Mother's Love

I am sure there are many blog posts written for Mother's Day and brace yourself, here's another one.

As a mother of two grown children, I have had the experience of being a Mom, observing Moms, criticizing Moms and learning from Moms.  But this post is not going to be about any of those things.

This post is about the change of perception with faith as life takes over.

First you are a child, being cared for by your mother.  All your needs pretty much are met by her.  

She holds the key to clean clothes, dinner, money for gas, supplies for a track meet, and yes; the keys to the car.  

Life takes you out of chldhood and into teen years where you become more independent and you're not sure what to do about this 'Mom thing'.  After all, she's done so much for you ... but now you really kinda resent her (because ... she holds all the keys).  Oh, and she seems to know how to do just about everything you need to know how to do ... so you're stuck, going to your Mom when you need something ... still.

For me, I went to college, graduated, married, started teaching and coaching in a school four hours away from home. I took a huge leap into life, and it felt good.  

Then it was time to cook bacon ... I had to call my Mom.

The phone calls and visits decreased due to busyness and miles between us.  It was okay, we were both busy.  Holidays and birthdays brought us together, but it was very quick when we would see each other.  

Without the keys, where does this Mom thing go?  

Perception begins to change, hmmm--I don't "need" her--I have my own keys now.

Life happens, kids are born, selfishness flurishes in this more 'needy' life of my now being Mom ... and guess what, she has a different set of keys.  She shows up to help and teach and then leave once again.  

From the book Captivating by Staci Eldridge "The word mother is more powerful when used as a verb than as a noun.  All women are not mothers but all women are called to mother.  To mother is to nurture, to train, to educate."

I remember having my hand slammed in a car door one day and my Mom rushing me to the doctor.  I think she drove like a crazy woman ... I was trying not to throw up in the car ... and she would say "just take a big breath, its going to be ok".  That sharing of pain, looking into your eyes and knowing your Mom would rather be you taking the pain.  At that moment, we invite life in.  A deeper place in our heart, I think -- a glimpse of God.

Staci agrees "We birth life in others  by inviting them into deeper realms of healing, to deeper walks with God, to deeper intimacy with Jesus.  All women are made in the image of God in that we bring forth life.  When we enter into our world and into the lives of those we love and offer our tender and strong feminine hearts, we cannot help but mother them."

Perception ... 

Mom, 

Strong--Disciplinarian

Athletic--Resourceful

Stubborn--Dependable

Distant--Growing Room

Aging--Weak

Injured--Needing Me

Me,

Dependent--Weak

Growing--Failing A lot 

Stubborn--Disciplined

Distant--Selfish

Strong--Relying on Faith

Caring--Changed Perception

Us,

Persistent--A Team

Finishing Strong Together--Faith

May you find God in your perception of your Mother through the eyes of strong feminine hearts, His creation.  Struggle and pain may bring you there, reaching one another and finding courage, strength, deep love and caring this Mother's Day.

Urgency

(Can you see the squirrel ... now this is an urgent situation ... our dogs Eli and Buck)

Phases of life bring different levels of urgency.

Think about when you rode your first bicycle ... 

[getting your balance -- wobbly front tire at first -- urgency]

Your drivers license ... 

[parallel parking -- urgency]

Your first date .... 

[preparing and waiting for your first impression -- urgency]

Marriage and Wedding .... 

[placing your commitment, trust and faith for all see -- urgency]

Childbirth .... 

[not understanding, but doing it anyway -- urgency]

Your first 'career' job and 'true' paycheck ... 

[it's that 'pinch-yourself-moment'; did I really earn this; am I really doing this -- urgency]

Your aging parents and their care...

All phases of life.

All of these events follow with a particular sequence of thinking and action.  First you have some sort of perception about what that event is; either you watched someone ride a bike or you attend a wedding--your brain created a picture.  

Next you prepare for the actual experience yourself.  You might study to pass your driver's test, read a book on childbirth or take a class.  

Finally, the actual 'doing' part of this event includes matching up your perception or picture with your preparedness and moving into actually doing it.

My most recent discoveries include those events with which you cannot prepare.  My perception (or picture) and preparedness really don't align.  I remember leaving my first childbirth class when we watched 'the birthing video' and getting in the car with my husband saying (tears running down my cheeks) "I can't do that!" ... I was eight months pregnant at the time -- urgency.

Recently, there have been life events that required of me things I would have thought I could never do .... but I have.  Remembering 1 Peter 4:19 "So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." The footnote in my bible reads; God created the world, and he has faithfully ordered it and kept it since the creation.  Because we know that God is faithful we can count on him to fulfill his promises to us.  If God can oversee the forces of nature, surely he can see us through the trials we face.

This is one of those life events that brings with it a sense of urgency.  Roles are reversed, and exhaustion is not allowed.  Standing in the gap where I'm not sure I can, but I know God can.  A close friend of mine said to me "You're being Jesus to them."

Today I went jogging, after a much-needed nap while in the mist of this life event and listened to Don Moen as I ran, praising The Lord.  I want to share my thoughts and feelings with the lyrics of his song "Here we are" 

Here we are lifting our hands to You

Here we are giving You thanks for all You do

As we praise and worship Your holy name

You are here, dwelling within our praise

[Notice ... giving You thanks for ALL You do]

For every answer prayer

For always being there

For love that hears us when we call

For arms that lift us when we fall

[Especially needed these words this day--always being there]

Oh, You have always been right beside us

Leading us all along the way

And we made it through

Because of You

[Because of You ~ Lord]

For days we cannot see

For all that yet to be

[Preparing us for the future]

The trials we may have to face

When we'll be leaning on Your grace

It will be Your strength that saves us

Your love that makes us strong

[Notice ... Leaning on Your grace ... nothing about me or my abilities/effort]

So my journey in this life event begins ... may the perceived need for urgency be replaced with the peace and grace beyond my understanding ... to strengthen and share You Lord.  Amen.

Beauty

Are you beautiful?

What does it take to be a beautiful woman?

Beauty is our opportunity to allow God to come in and it's how we experience God.

From the book Captivating, by Staci Eldredge, women have that innate element of beauty from God.  The book describes a young lady who is 'put together', jogs 6-8 miles a day, and wears really cute clothes.  There's something wrong though ... the beauty is not inviting.  

You are not invited in because she is striving.

Another woman was absolutely stunning and beautiful.  
Her soul was at rest. 
She made you feel at rest when you were in her presence.  She invited you in.  

Totally different than a woman who is striving to maintain her beauty which is a slippery slope because it's totally fleeting and put on by effort.

A truly beautiful woman is comfortable with herself ... at rest ... The second woman described here was 72 years old.

With all of the marketing of beauty products I've noticed lately, I can see this is an issue for women, it is for me...
I have been considering this lately and have been consciously observing women.  Asking, "Is she beautiful?  What makes her inviting?"

As I watch and listen I reflect on my life.

A single mother of two, divorced woman ... striving.  

In order to be invited in, your heart must be 'at rest'.

Well, that explains it ... that rest word--until now, haven't EVER known that.

Staci explains,

"You see, ultimately, a woman invites us to know God. To experience through her that God is merciful.  That he is tender and kind.  That God longs for us--to be known by us and to know us."

Any woman can 'create' that perfect look -- what we 'think' is beauty. Buy some products, have a couple of minor surgeries ...  But that is not the beauty I'm out to discover.

As Staci continues

"The scariest thing for women is to offer our beauty into situations where we don't know if it will make any difference. Or worse, that we will be rejected.  For our Question is, Am I lovely?  And to be rejected is to hear a resounding, NO. A woman doesn't want to offer her beauty unless she is guaranteed that it will be well received."

So there it is ... fear.

"Isn't that why we hide, why we strive why we control, why we do anything but offer beauty?"

I have shared in my previous posts about my childhood (which, by the way, was a very good childhood) but I acquired some wounds and beliefs about myself.  I am the third daughter of four children.  My brother is 18 months younger than me.  I have been striving my whole life ... that's why it's in bold ... I typed it in bold for me.

An amazing thing happened to me when I visited my parents recently.  It will sound a bit silly, but it will demonstrate what I'm talking about.

My Mom asked my Dad to go get her a vanilla milkshake.  My Dad asked me if I wanted anything, I said "oh, maybe something chocolate".  Off he went.  When he returned, he handed Mom her small vanilla milkshake (exactly what she ordered), handed me a huge chocolate milkshake.  He said "that's double chocolate".

And that's not all ...

He reached into his jacket and pulled out a grocery bag with two packages of (six each) Hershey chocolate bars.  He said "I didn't know what kind of chocolate you liked so I bought both."

Now to get this right, in my life previously, I would have thought "why such an over the top chocolate effort Dad, don't you know I eat healthy?".  But I am in as close a relationship to Jesus than ever before in my life and I am very content in knowing who I am in Christ.  So, God revealed my Dad's heart and love for me.  It's chocolate, yea I get it--small thing--but to me HUGE thing.  This man (oh, by the way, he's in his 80's) got out of his vehicle to walk into a store to buy me chocolate!

When it was time for us to leave and find our vehicles in the parking lot, Dad asked me where I parked.  I pointed to the far lot on the right.  He got in his vehicle and I took off to the lot where I 'thought' my car was ... and it was NOT there.  I had to walk back where he was parked ... he was watching ... to get to the other lot.  I pointed at my car as I approached it laughing, but very embarrassed.  As I was getting in my car, Dad pulled up next to me.  He rolled down his window as said "Crank it."  Again, in my life prior to this moment, I would have been so independent-minded this would have irritated me ... but it didn't ...  He was making sure my car started.  Once my car started, Dad said "now you know where you are and where to turn to get to our house, right?"  Again ... irritation or love?  LOVE!!!  Yep!! He's showing me he loves me.

Can you see ... my Question unanswered in my perceptions from my Dad in the past, caused me to strive.  Now -- Question answered; first by God -- because I have been seeking Him -- now Dad.

One more thing.  Do you realize who we are to God? He calls us His Crown of Creation.  Staci says "we are the crescendo, the finale, astonishing work of God ... from 1 Cor. 11:7 Paul writes, man "is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man".

Lord,
Help me to remember I am loved and I am beautiful just as I am.  Continue to show me how to stop striving and how to become more inviting.  I desire to welcome in, not turn away people; to experience You.
Oh, and God ... thanks for my Dad.
Amen

God and Hospital Life as Caregiver

The life event of providing care, when a loved one is in the hospital, is quite an experience.  Here are some insights from watching as a friend cares for her loved one. (I have learned SO much from her as she is AN EXCELLENT caregiver.)

Essential Care Areas;
Staying in the room with your loved one is essential to 'think and do' for them ~ even through the night.  This is exhausting for the caregiver, but preferred over being away and worrying about their care.

Keep a record of what is said by health care providers in order to remember what was said, and by whom ... this comes in handy to read to family and future doctor visits when questions are asked.

Use your nurse/CNA's name when they are providing care and thank them.  Their names are written on the wipe board in the hospital room.  Inquire how to pronounce their name and engage them in conversation.

Advocate for your loved one in an assertive, but delicate way.  This may be just standing at the door, waiting to speak to the nurse, or asking for specific items needed for care when the nurse is in the room.

Listen to doctors entirely before interupting with questions.

Have any questions ready to ask when doctors do arrive and after they give you their report.

Consider the home environment before returning home.  Think about the bed, bathroom, floor surface for walking, steps entering into home and any other essentials for home health.

Take note of what your loved one is eating while in the hospital and mimick the dietary menu if possible at home.

Issues for Caregiver;
Adequate rest and food intake is sometimes overlooked as care is giving to family in the hospital ... overlooking your physical health is easy to do as your needs seems minimal to that of your family members in the hospital, but for their sake you must take care of yourself.

Confusion, power-plays and family discord;  
It's inevitable that there will be family and close friends available to help with care.  In that process, as the main caregiver, it is difficult to communicate what you have experienced to those who 'enter and re-enter' to help.  Be careful to allow others to help, but do NOT become possessive or difficult.  This will not help the family to come together.  In the area of power plays, there is an odd 'order' to this in families.  Some members are allowed more influence than others in care and figuring out how to manage this while keeping peace and caring for your loved one is a balance.  Much prayer is needed here for The Holy Spirit to guide your tongue and intent yet maintaining care needed for your loved one.

Leaving your loved one and returning home will possibly bring anxiety as you have had a sense of 'control' while by their side.  However, once the emergency part of their stay is over there is a time to leave them in the care of professionals.  Over involvement will curtail the need for learning independence of your recovering family member and accepting this new way of life for them as they recover.

Hebrews 12:12-16 ESV / Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled ...

May your caregiving experience(s) bring key character-building opportunities for you as we learn to become more servant-minded and less self-minded.

Jesus, 
What am I to learn from this;  what behaviors am I to display  to all those I meet during this stressful time while offering care and help me represent You not my anxiety and stress.
Amen

Become Awake

In talking to several women who are struggling in their marriage I am finding there is a common theme.  Their husband is harsh, hurtful in his words or he just doesn't care to listen to what his wife wants.  (These words we receive as hurtful, to him are not.) He chooses the areas in the wife's life that are at the very core of her hurt; and when things get really bad this sends a fiery dart deep into her heart.  When the 'fight' begins and ends this way, the wife retreats to that all too familiar place of protectiveness--her hardened heart hardens even more.

You see, this is that familiar place--where her childhood wound is, where the message was attached about how she thinks about herself. (See, I'm not worthy.)  

With my background in marketing, this is key to getting a product or brand to be known and popular.  Attach a feeling with an event/product and BAM it's true to that person.  Have you ever noticed that in the 'better' commercials?  

The childhood wound came with a blow -- an intense feeling -- so it must be true.

Here is an example; I purchased a protective sheeting for the oven (oven safe) that sits on the oven rack to catch drippings from items being baked.  This Easter we prepared Lamb for our guests and when my husband went to place the lamb in the oven to bake, he removed the protective sheeting.  I asked why he did that, his answer was that he just didn't think having that in the oven was a good idea ... plastic and all ... gives off bad fumes (or something like that).  I said it's just to catch the drippings and I left it alone ... out of the oven.  

When we arrived home from church and it was time to check the lamb to see if it was done, my husband took the knife and fork, pulled the pan out on the rack of the oven just a bit, and proceeded to cut--spilling juices and such all over the oven.  I said to one of our dinner guests (a very wise woman) seated next to me 'oh, I've gotta keep him from making a mess' and I jumped up ... she put her hand on my arm and said 'let him shine, Cindy, let him shine'.  

The same thing happened in the arena, one of our guests wanted to ride Nitro.  (He hadn't been ridden all winter.) I went out to 'help', but I was not needed.  I mean, my words were not needed, I was not needed .... you get the picture.  The 'old' Cindy would have had a return-to-childhood hurt moment here.  In the past, I would have been upset with all of these events and burst into the scene 'loud and proud' as they say.  

This is what I'm seeing so many of us do.  We behave based on a feeling and most of the time the feeling is based on a perception and most of the time the perception is tainted by our past experiences.

From the book Captivating by Staci Eldridge "We construct a life of safety (I will not be vulnerable there) and find some place to get a taste of being enjoyed or at least of being needed.  Our journey toward healing begins when we repent of those ways, lay them down, let them go."

I did not respond to the 'oven incident' nor did I the Nitro ride, but the best thing about both was that I was not resentful, angry nor did I keep score or hold a grudge.  I was just fine!

Frederick Buechner says "To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do--to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst--is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still.  The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed."

The Lord is doing something significant in my life and our marriage because we are seeking.  Rev. 3:20 "Behold, I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in."

He will not burst into your life uninvited -- you must ask him in.  You must be tired, exhausted of life as I have described it about myself in the past ... 'Too much Cindy'.  I had shut the door to my heart and threw away the key. So many women have.  We do this because it hurts too much.  It might bring relief for a while, but as Staci explains, not healing. 

"Usually it orphans the little girl in that room, leaves her to fend for herself   The best thing we can do is to let Jesus come in; open the door and invite him in to find us in those hurting places."

Our pastor's Easter sermon ended with the proclamation that we need to awake! Come alive! 

Dear Lord,
Help all those reading this post to invite you in, to heal their childhood wounds and to become AWAKE in You!
Amen

The mental processing of a woman leaving a marriage

It always seems like it happens this way, the woman has packed her bags, closed the bank accounts, and leaves.  The man is stunned, shocked, devastated and surprised.  The timing is all off when it comes to the heart of a woman compared to that of a man in a broken marriage.

You see what really has happened is the woman's heart has died a slow death over the duration of the marriage.  The husband hasn't noticed. She has cried those silent tears so many nights she's lost count.  You see as a woman, it's easy to hide.  We've learned it well~we know we are alone. And a man who is preoccupied and not tuned into his wife will never be alerted to the exit signs of a woman.

At the beginning, you might try to share your unhappiness--but it's never validated and your voicing concern or sadness falls on deaf ears.  Men take in your words and behaviors comparing them to his own past experiences and they aren't so alarming to him.  He's still not noticed, nor has he made any effort to change or show empathy to her struggles (no matter how tiny they seem to him).

BIG MISTAKE

What happens next is the woman boards up her heart.  Like she's going into battle.  She securely tucks away all parts of her femininity and 'does life'.  All enjoyment and pleasure must be fulfilled outside the marriage.  The home becomes ~ laundry, cooking, dishes, caring for children and getting to bed early.  There's no sharing from the heart anymore because when she shared, it hurt because it fell on deaf ears.

In the book Captivating by Stasi Eldredge she describes the wound of a girl's heart and the messages they give us as women.

"The wounds that we received as young girls did not come alone.  They brought messages with them, messages that struck at the core of our hearts, right in the place of our Question. (Am I seen? Am I enough? Am I lovely?)  Our wounds strike at the core of our femininity.  The damage done to our feminine hearts through the wounds we received is made much worse by the horrible things we believe about ourselves as a result.  As children, we didn't have the faculties to process and sort through what was happening to us. Our parents were godlike.  We believed them to be right.  If we were overwhelmed or belittled or hurt or abused, we believed that somehow it was because of us--the problem was with us."

So you see without knowing it, if our husband validates what was our childhood message in our marriage we are sure 'here is more proof I'm not enough or lovely or worthy'.

Here's what it looks like; if a young girl had a father who was absent from her life and her message growing up was that she was some how a disappointment to him--the minute her husband voices disapproval or prefers to go away to hunt with her dad over and over and over--the message is clear to her, she's not enough and the pain is overwhelming.  

If a young girl was left alone over and over and over and it wasn't a 'good' experience and she marries a man who moves her out to the country and leaves her alone over and over and over ...  The newness of the marriage has worn off, the children are born (which is when most women think some kind of fairy tale life will begin with their husband co-parenting and it just doesn't turn out that way) the woman spends those child-raising years feeling abandoned, caring for the children. Then, once the children grow old enough to not require so much of her ... she has some spare moments ... the pain will return and she will look for anything or anyone to relieve her pain from that childhood hurt.

Stasi continues 

"We also developed ways of trying to get something of the love our hearts cried out for.  The ache is there. Despite the best face we put on our lives, the ache is there.  As Proverbs says, "even in laughter the heart may ache" (14:13).  Our desperate need for love and affirmation, our thirst for some taste of romance and adventure and beauty is there.  So we turned to boys or to food or to romance novels; we lost ourselves in our work or at church or in some sort of service.  All this adds up to the women we are today.  Much of what we call our 'personalities' is actually the mosaic of our choices for self-protection plus our plan to get something of the love we were created for.  The problem is our plan has nothing to do with God.

The wounds we received and the messages they brought formed a sort of unholy alliance with our fallen nature as women."

As I researched this recurring story in marriages we are exposed to I found this common quote about why women are leaving marriages;
Some of the common complaints I hear from women is, 
"He ignores me except when he wants sex, he sits and watches television when he could be talking to me, he rarely calls me to see how I'm doing, he hurts my feelings and then never apologizes: Instead, he tells me I'm too sensitive." from MarriageBuilders.com.

Historically, a woman is gone WAY before the husband has any idea they aren't happy in the marriage.  It's like they finally notice once the woman is done ... has packed her bags ... has given up.

****
Ladies, listen to me, it doesn't have to be this way ... The reason Christ came to 'ransom us from sin and death, to pay the price for our transgressions through his blood shed on the cross so that we might be forgiven, might come home to the Father.  It's true.  It's so wonderfully true.  Only ... there is more.'  Read Isaiah 61:1-3

1The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
         Because the LORD has anointed me
         To bring good news to the afflicted;
         He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
         To proclaim liberty to captives
         And freedom to prisoners;

2To proclaim the favorable year of the LORD
         And the day of vengeance of our God;
         To comfort all who mourn,

3To grant those who mourn in Zion,
         Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
         The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
         The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
         So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
         The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.

Now read Staci's translation as it relates to Jesus' role in healing our hearts, in answering our questions;

God has sent me on a mission.

I have some great news for you.

God has sent me to restore and release something.

And that something is you.

I am here to give you back your heart and set you free.

I am furious at the Enemy who did this to you, and I will fight against him.

Let me comfort you.

For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upon you

where you have known only devastation.

Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow. 

And I will robe your heart in thankful praise

in exchange for your resignation and despair.

****

It is my prayer that this post will help women stop before they leave a marriage.  I also have this prayer that maybe one man might read this and re-connect with his wife.  That he might notice her silent tears and choose to study her to uncover her childhood wounds and a marriage might be saved.

Again, please contact us at Farm House Marriage Ministry if you are considering 'the exit'.  We would love to pray with you, talk to you and give you hope.

Blessings