One thing I have learned about having another person in your home is how much you take for granted being with your spouse, alone, in your home. And the ability to 'just go' when you need or want to go. Both of these things are no longer possible (if you have someone who needs 24 hour supervision as ours does).
Your marriage will be stressed and stretched. Here's a simple example.
Items will go missing, such as my red broom. Sounds silly doesn't it? I have kept my 'inside' broom ~ which happens to be red ~ in the laundry room for as long as I can remember. This is the broom I use only on the inside of the house. We have several brooms we use for outdoors (porches, barn, etc.).
It's missing.
When I begin looking for my broom, I see my mother-in-law sweeping with it outside. I explain that is my 'inside' broom and I would prefer her to use one of our many outside brooms (showing her one of the outside brooms). Problem solved ... I think.
A person with Alzheimer's disease no longer can remember simple things, especially if it's a most recent instruction or event. It's very sad, and creates a new level of communicating and living with someone with Alzheimer's disease.
You can scold them, be angry with them or give them important instructions only to find it will not be remembered and corrected (at no fault of theirs).
[This took me a while to figure out.]
So as I'm sure you have guessed, a few days go by and I go to the laundry room to get my 'indoor' red broom and it's missing again. I look outside and my husband is taking it from his mother, giving her the 'indoor' broom instruction again and storming into the house with my broom.
Can you see the relational dynamics here? Husband, son, mother, wife, Alzheimer's? Needless to say, we now have several red brooms. :-)
Items will go missing, such as my red broom. Sounds silly doesn't it? I have kept my 'inside' broom ~ which happens to be red ~ in the laundry room for as long as I can remember. This is the broom I use only on the inside of the house. We have several brooms we use for outdoors (porches, barn, etc.).
When I begin looking for my broom, I see my mother-in-law sweeping with it outside. I explain that is my 'inside' broom and I would prefer her to use one of our many outside brooms (showing her one of the outside brooms). Problem solved ... I think.
A person with Alzheimer's disease no longer can remember simple things, especially if it's a most recent instruction or event. It's very sad, and creates a new level of communicating and living with someone with Alzheimer's disease.
You can scold them, be angry with them or give them important instructions only to find it will not be remembered and corrected (at no fault of theirs).
[This took me a while to figure out.]
So as I'm sure you have guessed, a few days go by and I go to the laundry room to get my 'indoor' red broom and it's missing again. I look outside and my husband is taking it from his mother, giving her the 'indoor' broom instruction again and storming into the house with my broom.
Can you see the relational dynamics here? Husband, son, mother, wife, Alzheimer's? Needless to say, we now have several red brooms. :-)
- Adjustment Suggestions -
[things I tried to help me with this situation]
Self care is a must.
Create a space where you can go and close the door and lay down where there is absolute solitude and silence.
Continue to stay connected with your friends and church family no matter how difficult. Invite them to come to your house for dinner since eating out is no longer possible. Take turns attending church services leaving one person home with your loved one.
Include your loved one in as many social interactions as possible, do not 'send them to their room'. If they choose to go to their room, that is different. (Sometimes it's confusing for them when there are many people in one area talking.)
Schedule some treats for yourself and place them on your calendar.
Do not feel guilty when you move things out of sight just to manage your home and to be able to find things when you need them. This disease creates the need for the person to 'put things away', and if you ask them, [you're catching on now] they don't remember.
Finances are strained and stretched. A part-time job at the beginning might be just the thing to get you by until all the paperwork goes through for medicaid and medicare (which is a whole different story--Yikes, is that a mess).
Families are stressed and stretched. The disease is taking away their loved one, you are caring for their loved one and the time in between their visits brings deterioration in their loved one [normal and natural]- for which, if you're not careful - you feel responsible -- again--guilt, no matter the excellent care you have provided.
Frequent and transparent communication with family is a must, and it protects you.
Health of your spouse. I had to keep reminding myself my primary responsibility is to my husband, and our marriage. Sometimes he can't see clearly because he's so involved with all that goes into taking care of his mother. Depression in caregivers is an obvious outcome as struggles continue, finding appropriate care while balancing family, work and finances.
Another deadly outcropping I would warn you about is the sedentary nature of caregiving. Before you realize it, to keep your loved one safe, especially when the weather is bad, you will find yourself in a very sedentary life, ignoring your daily responsibilities in your home and your life.
Frequent and transparent communication with family is a must, and it protects you.
Health of your spouse. I had to keep reminding myself my primary responsibility is to my husband, and our marriage. Sometimes he can't see clearly because he's so involved with all that goes into taking care of his mother. Depression in caregivers is an obvious outcome as struggles continue, finding appropriate care while balancing family, work and finances.
Another deadly outcropping I would warn you about is the sedentary nature of caregiving. Before you realize it, to keep your loved one safe, especially when the weather is bad, you will find yourself in a very sedentary life, ignoring your daily responsibilities in your home and your life.
Remember this is a season, it is NOT permanent and it is as HUGE blessing for your loved one.
Caring for elderly family members is not as common now as it was 80 years ago, and believe me, when I say the road to keeping a loved one at home is not easy, but it's very rewarding.
Caring for elderly family members is not as common now as it was 80 years ago, and believe me, when I say the road to keeping a loved one at home is not easy, but it's very rewarding.
"If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies how very different our ideals of beauty would be."
From Barefoot Whispers
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