This past week has been a roller coaster for me emotionally and physically. I have been taken out of my routine, forced into situations outside my comfort and I find God stretching my faith all along the way. It's as if He is saying 'I've got you, Cindy' and life keeps bringing up those insecurities of my past as a reminder of my sin, failures and ultimate aging limitations.
In one week I have been thrown from my horse Nitro, passed out from the pain the next day, visited ER with 9 stitches, cracked a tooth which will be repaired on my birthday, traveled with 10 high school students to a conference of 17,000 students, participated in my last graduation ceremony with my high school and am now awaiting my husbands return from knee surgery. While all of these things are going on, I have a full-time job at school and the farm is in full spring-mode with garden, fields to fertilize, cows to move, acre yard to mow, asparagus to cut, broilers to butcher.....you get the picture......
Through it all I have experienced a mighty move of God with one of my students in my classroom where I shared with him 'Do you know Jesus?' His reply was 'NO' My reply as the Holy Spirit fell on me with tears and trembling I said 'Jesus wants you....' His reply was; 'Mrs. Shannon don't cry', my reply was 'This is not me, this is God....You are going to be a mighty man for Him.....He wants you' His reply, 'Well I know someone's protecting me, I'm a mess that's for sure....' All this happened after a busy busy time with students in and out of my classroom checking on grades since I had been gone. My classroom door was open, this student lingered after class; time stood still and no one entered or interupted during this time.....I know God will show up for this student and I welcome the opportunity as He asked for my contact information. Please pray with me I am ready to share as this student inquires.
I am studying in Exodus about Moses (I am always amazed how everything fits) and how Moses is questioning God about his ability to deliver His people. On Bott Radio I listen to James McDonald and his message has been about insecurities and how we think others are so gifted to have such huge ministries. The same way Moses thought. But James makes the point that we are as gifted as God makes us.
Exodus 4: 10 But Moses said to the LORD, "Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue."
11 Then the LORD said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?
12 Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak."
13 But he said, "Oh, my Lord, please send someone else."
I thought as this student stood next to me and the spirit fell on me that same thing. My flesh was like "um Cindy, this is public school...we don't do this", then my thoughts were, "who am I to share with him"....but the spirit won out, praise God and I became small and He became large in that moment. I have no other way to describe it.
From A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene H. Paterson there is a section on 'Help' where he shares how difficult it really is to love. "Every day I put love on the line. There is nothing I am less good at than love. I am far better in competition than in love. I am far better at responding to my instincts and ambitions to get ahead and make my mark than I am at figuring out how to love another. I am schooled and trained in acquisitive skills, in getting my own way. And yet I decide, every day, to set aside what I can do and attempt what I do very clumsily--open myself up to the frustrations and failures of loving, daring to believe that failing in love is better than succeeding in pride."
So, as you could probably imagine, following this event, trials and stress increased. There have been less than loving situations occur that have not matched my picture, such as in ER, and returning from a six day stressful trip, to not being with family on Mother's Day. I have had to choose my responses carefully, and some have been better than others. I can choose to serve as if I am serving Christ, and hand over situations, actions and hurtful words to Him. I have to consciously say to myself that my value and worth is not solely in the hands of others, but in Him.
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