Drilling Deeper

Today is my birthday.  Here I am when I was 4.

I was born on Mother's Day.  I am the third girl, third child with my brother following me by a little over a year.  I am mindful of these events as they 'define' and have 'defined' me, just like all other 'pictures' you can create in your head about yourself and life and how it should or could be.  I think we anticipate particular days, I'm not saying we necessarily like or dislike them ... I'm saying as women, we prepare for, create, and 'make' days.  Some of the days would include birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, July 4th, and on and on.  If I am not careful I can cause myself more harm than good as these days come and go.  I have been working on this, or perhaps I should say God is transforming my thought life in this area.

LESSON 14--Whoa Zone, Go Zone, Go Go Zone

These are areas of a horse that - based on your location as you lunge your horse - you can manage them
I have talked about this before, and Nitro has this down.  I move toward his head he slows, toward his rear he increases speed.  My problem in learning this was to be definite in my movements and not slide all around confusing Nitro.  I would try to make big movements or I would pull hard on the rope.  None of that was necessary, but you see .... in my head, more Cindy is needed, because more is ALWAYS better!!

As I enter these times in my life attempting to manage these life events or 'defining' days, I find myself moving in and out of Whoa Zones and Go Zones with people I interact with.

I manage people.  

If I manage people and events I can imagine that I am managing the event, therefore; I do not have to fear what might happen outside of my control.  Okay, I know all of this sounds crazy, but I bet most women do this.  You  plan ~ to create ~ to control ~ to be rewarded  ~ so that you planned  ~ and created.  Ultimately, honestly, what is behind this?  Is it fear?

I must say this week it was revealed to me that is it fear.

Fear of failure...okay, so I fail; then what?

Fear of .... disapproval .... so???

Fear of being just me? and they leave?  Like if I can't perform at an excellent level, look good, make this event happen, manage people .... who am I, what is my worth?  Then it's just me .... who would stay if it's just me?  What is the value in that?

Sin, I sin .... don't know about you ... but I know I make mistakes, and in relationships with people, it's going to be hard to remain in relationships without finding this out.  From the book A Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas he explains "Because we married a sinner, we're going to see some ugly, ugly things.  That's why our attitude toward another's sin will determine in large part, the degree of intimacy we can achieve in marriage ..... judgement repels intimacy... "  Ouch!!

This is all being driven home for to me as I read on as Mr. Thomas reveals that

People who love mercy feel eager to show mercy to others.  

"It is a believer eager to forgive, whose first thought leaps toward reconciliation rather than revenge.  Mercy isn't an obligation grudgingly given in to--it's the love of his or her life!  It's his or her favorite practice."

This kind of transforming thought seeps into my very being.  I am SO FAR from this it isn't even funny.  As the day goes by, I find my thoughts using a different filter and I can't believe how different parts of my life look.  So much of my time has been spent on 'managing' and the core of that has been about fear of being left, not being enough, being left behind ....

So there I said it....

In doing this, I have held back and tuck away to stay safe.  I have put on a mask, turned on the 'excellence attainment factor' I'm so good at. (I should make a t-shirt with this on it.)

Can I be ME without positioning ME to manage others; NO Whoa Zone, Go Zone or Go Go Zone ~Am I enough?  It's so cliche and I've read it so many times, and guess what; I'm an extrovert, a people person .... go figure.

Can I stop putting too much emphasis on things that can't sustain or nurture me?  I now know that as Mr. Thomas points out "If I stop receiving from God, I start demanding from others." And for me as I demanded from others and I did not measure up, the bar would be raised, anxiety increased and I disappeared into performance-land.

I'm not sure any of this made sense to anyone....but this is from my heart.  Thank you Lord for your saving grace, your mercy and your patience.

Happy Birthday Cindy