Self, Happiness and Holiness

This morning there is a thought rolling around in my newly retired mind ~ what is happiness?

With more time on my hands these days, more 'mundane' daily activities with less stress (cooking, garden harvesting, dishes, cleaning, laundry) I am caught thinking about what to do with my day ... what would 'make me happy'?

Reading in Sacred Marriage Devotional by Gary Thomas he argues 

"What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?"

With that in mind, I guess I've set aside the  idea of what makes me happy for some time now and I am keenly aware of resentment approaching my state of mind.  Once the realness of retirement sets in, your friends return to work, the personal contacts and conversations change.  I'm just being real.  No judgement, there's just not the same daily interaction and 'work material' for conversation and it can be a bit awkward, and distant.

So what to do with this?

"Biblical happiness is the offspring of holiness, giving holiness the pride of place as the parent." Dr. Thomas continues.  He says that

"many marriages break down in a context of resentment and a feeling that we're not getting what we need or want".   

But looked at in the light of love, this enemy loses all its power and place:  "The most obvious lesson in Christ's teaching, " Drummonds writes,

"is that there is no happiness in having and getting anything but only in giving."  

We think that happiness is all about having and getting, but in our design God only gives true happiness as an outcropping of giving.

From Morning/Evening Daily Readings by C.H. Spurgeon (August 22)

"The nearer to Him, the nearer to the perfect calm of heaven; the nearer to Him, the fuller the heart is, not only of peace, but of life, and vigor, and joy, for these all depend on being in constant relationship with Jesus."

As we grow, we leave our old self.  Some of the 'leaving' involved a change of the timing of your day, and I have found it to both be a struggle and a gift to not be managed by the clock.  On the other hand, it forced me to do things in a specific way at a specific time when I was working and now; I have to develop a discipline that is more self imposed then before.  I am forced to be more thoughtful to my husband with my time and what I do because I do not have anything else 'to do' that's is 'important'.

I can also see why people do not retire, how they avoid this part of life by staying on a forced schedule.

From Jennifer Rothschild blog today "When I am most self aware, I am most miserable".  

Hmmm

Go figure. 

Want the 'remedy'?  I know I do.

From Albert Schweitzer "The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve."
From Jennifer Rothschild "focus on someone else's needs, grant someone else the attention you desire and ask the question Jesus how might I serve you today?"

See how this works?  Take ME out of my day and rest in the design of our creator.

I'm not saying this is easy to do, to tame your thoughts and flesh because those have been so ingrained in us; and I am certainly a 'no one' in the huge process God has created ~ if I can do a small thing for Him today what a privilege. 

Blessings.

Sharing, Accepting and Angels

LESSON 24--Sharing Nitro

We are piloting a new program for teens here at the farm called WHOA (Working Horses Overcoming Adversity).  We are working on funding for tack, if you are interested, you can use this link for more information http://www.gofundme.com/cpzapk.

Since we own 13 horses and many are not worked with on a regular basis my husband has a trainer coming out 5 days a week approximately 2 hours per day to help teens learn to work horses.  As these young people learn the basics of verbal commands with a horse, they gain confidence and apply biblical principles to their daily lives.  We are praying to teach the concept of saying 'Whoa' in life when things aren't going so well for teens, to get them out of the house, and into a more active life-style.

WHOA is in its early stages now (only 6 weeks) and we can see a difference in the three young ladies who have been the most dedicated to this new endeavor.  In the process, Nitro, Willow, Sugar and Jewels have been ridden by others.  It is a strange feeling to watch as someone else rides your horse.  I know this sounds small of me, but I know Nitro and he knows me and sharing him feels 'prickly'.  

The girls have all communicated similar feelings about their horses when others ride, but that is part of this program.  The girls have to 'train' the new recruits how to do ground work, saddle, put away the horse and clean the barn.

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Family has been down for a visit and again, it was all about sharing.  Nitro was  a champ ~ he welcomed the new riders.  
The picture above is Nitro with our 8 year old niece. 

I, on the other hand, was not so great.  Just a few days ago, a visitor was leading Nitro into the round pin and he his stirrup caught on the gate, pulling the fencing in around everyone in the round pin.  It was quite a moment, and I was entirely TOO verbal.  So verbal, I had to be asked to stop!

That rush of adrenaline and every thought came right out of my mouth, no filter.  It's as if I had no control of my flesh.  This was embarrassing (to say the least) and my husband did not respond to my verbal barrage -- Yay husband, Boo me.

From Sacred Marriage Devotional by Gary Thomas 

"If you've been working on an issue for years and the issue is one of annoyance rather than morality, Let it go."

My husband was in charge and had his own way in mind of doing the horseback ride this evening.  My brain had another way in mind.  (our 'for years' issue) I did the 'female approach' to stress and I tried to talk it out, thinking that talking it out always makes things better.  Only for women, for most men; 

"It's a biological fact that emotional conversation can feel very stressful and it actually increases his anger, particularly if that conversation gets pushed on him. Dr. Thomas suggests to 'stop talking'!  Give your husband's brain time to process the stress."

He continues saying 

"Different people have different quirks.  We married people with different backgrounds, different outlooks, and different personalities from ours ... Even so, at times these backgrounds, outlooks, or personalities may frustrate us, anger us, or inconvenience us, but if it's not sin, we can't demand change."  

Romans 15:7 'Accept one another, then just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.'

So, now for recovery after my blunder?  What do you do?  I processed and cried and processed ...

I ended up with this prayer to me -- these are lyrics from one of Michael O'Brien's CD -- I would pause the CD while driving to KC and then say the words into my phone recording the words, play the CD again, hit pause and say the words it into my phone.  (I know, you can get lyrics from any song easily, but for me ... my learning style, this is how I embed words into my being.  There is something about this process ... listening to your own voice ... playing it over and over ... hearing your emotion ... get the picture?)

When I was finished I had my prayer;

Let thy ways Lord be my compass
Let my heart be thine complete
Let my failures every trouble
Let my fears to thee release
Bless the feet where thou should lead me
Bless the hands that serve the King
Bless the voice singing Alleluia 
Bless me Lord I've been redeemed
Sovereign love has freed the captive
Joy and peace and hope abound
Be exalted God in mercy
Let thy glory be my crown
Let thy word Lord be my compass
Let my soul be thine to keep
Let my life dwell in thine's shadow
Let my faith still rest in thee

This prayer helped me accept that sometimes 'it just is what it is'.  I'm sometimes an over-the-top kinda gal and I pray my verbally vigilant behavior decreases over time and I follow the behavior of a dear friend who was present for the same event. Her response was to hug her Ipad and speak softly "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" standing firm with her eyes open and praying. (Dear God, let that be me!!)

This same evening we were so blessed by this family.  As we sat around the fire pit, they sang hymns of praise and we were visited by a heavenly being, just there for a moment ... I felt the presence and saw the image out of the corner of my eye.  It left as I turned to look at it.  It was as if the singing had drawn it there ....  entertaining angels ....

Then to top that off, when it was time for this family to go home, they cleaned up the entire kitchen, washed dished, wiped down counter tops singing the entire time.  (I was looking for more dirty dishes to get them to stay!!)

What a blessing.

Healing and Revealing

LESSON 23 -- Keeping the past in the past.  Nitro has no idea the 'scar' left from my fall from his back over 3 months ago.  My behavior in the 'here and now' is all he is concerned with.  If I bring fear from the past into my present relationship with him, our future will be affected.

Hmmm ....

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Philippians 3:13  "... but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead."

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We had a few of our horses sent off to be worked for 30 days and when the first batch arrived back home my husband was satisfied.  One of our youngest horses 'broke nicely' as I reported earlier in a post, and he decided to send her back with the statement "she needs to be bomb-proof".  I think that was referring to me ...

Two of our 'favorite' horses were sent too for 30 days of training.  We visited the training site and decided to bring our horses home.  Personalities had changed, one who had been a sweet-heart was not so nice anymore.  I am not saying the training was inappropriate, I am saying that the experience off the farm was stressful for our horses.

One of our horses (I think he's my husbands favorite) seriously was mad at us when he returned.  He pouted and withdrew for a few days.  His name is Captain, then when my husband rode him and spent some time with him, he returned to his old self.  My husband said he could feel him sigh with relief and Captain saying "Man, I'm glad to be home; don't ever do that again".

When we ride our youngest horse (Sugar) you can tell she has been ridden with spurs.

When Captain came home, you could tell his mouth was tender from the training (he's a bit hard-headed).

My point is past experiences scar us.

My scar from my fall has healed as you will see.

*Sidebar*  (I recommend a cream I used mederma hhttp://www.mederma.com/)

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I met with some of my friends from high school this week and our conversation was so authentic it was medicine to my soul.  It healed me.

The unconditional love, acceptance and warmth from these ladies was so genuine all the insecure feelings were taken away.  I am humbled to have such friends, I definitely do not deserve them.  Isn't that just like God?  

Oh, I they brought me gifts!!  A purse for travel and you'll never guess ... a true cowgirl hat!!!  I guess I'm official now!

Keep reading and I will post a picture of my new, beautiful hat while riding Nitro next time. 

Eternal Value and Retirement

What eternal value does this have?  This is a question I am asking myself frequently these days as I am more able to choose what I am doing with my time each day.  You might think this is an easy question to answer and then plan as best you can to that end, but it has proven to be a difficult challenge for me.

I am a newly retired high school teacher of 31 years and for the first time since I was 5 years old I am not going to be on a 'system schedule'.  I am not going to be in front a group of people who, to some degree, need me and listen to me (or at least they pretended).  I no longer have 'my classroom' and am a visitor now when I go back to my (oops, the) school where I worked.  

Don't misunderstand me, I know it was time for me to retire because I have been praying and seeking God's direction for several years.  My last full year as a teacher He directed me to consider each aspect of my job and ask myself "What eternal value does this have? OR How does this affect the Kingdom?"  I changed my thinking as I 'walked through' the events of the year assessing if "I", "Cindy Shannon" needed to physically be in this place at this time to do what needed to be done for our students.  The answer was shocking and revealing ... 

'No, this event could continue just fine (even better if I'm truthful) without me.'  

From that point forward I started praying that God would bring the right person to this job.  Someone who would bring energy, concern for students, friendship and loyalty for my dear friend who I taught with so many years and a faithful follower of Christ.  Guess what, He did!! (Go figure, huh)

When I finally got up the nerve to return to my school, my classroom, my dear friend this last week, God met me there!! Clearly speaking to my heart as I walked in ... He said, 'look my daughter, your time here is complete, it's going to be okay'.  

Another friend of mine sent me a text this week saying 'Hey, I just drove by your school and the marquee reads "Cindy Come Back!".  When I arrived the sign said "Hiring Bus Drivers".  Tee hee

I guess if I am honest, there is fear in the fact that friendships are formed around situations and 'common time' together.  Without that, will our connection and conversation decrease?  Then I remember what was shared in church this morning, 

Where there is fear, there is NO faith.

So I'm mourning a loss, rejoicing in what God is going to do where I once was ... what He is going to do without me ... *tears* and there's the hurt ...

While I'm being honest, I struggle with where to go with the planning, talking, problem solving, people interaction and lack of control.  

I now realize I had an immense  amount of control in my profession.  

Think about it, a room full of people that I said when they could talk, stand, go to the bathroom .... and believe me, my husband will not allow me to control him AT ALL!!

I find myself with these feelings; frustration, unloved, uninvolved, not asked for my input or opinion, talked over, ignored .... and I'm sure none are correct.  

This is that time in the hallway.  While I'm here I must stay vigilant about my thought life and who I am in Christ.  Satan would have a hay day with any insecurities and what we are doing here on the farm for the Kingdom.  

I know God is smoothing out some rough edges on me and having me work out areas where I need to grow.  You know some people really frown on retiring, I think I know why now; it's this place I'm in right now ... and what to do with it.  

I am accepting it as His calling on my life and I am excited to be His vessel.

So here we are, I'm cleaning, cooking and pretty much the behind-the-sceen person who runs to the store, and makes sure the ship stays afloat.  We are starting a new endeavor with our horses called WHOA (Working Horses Overcoming Adversity) with some young people.  Our horses are all being used now to help youth see how God can work in their life.  I am NOT the instructor, I am kitchen help and farm owner, maybe listener of youth issues if they share over a snack or meal.  I am 'waiting in the wings' you might say.

This time in my life I can ask this question; 'What eternal value?'  And readily answer ~ I can study His word with an alert mind now, attend all the services at church (awake), lead a women's book study on Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas (are you surprises ?) take Pilate classes and share God daily!! Praise God!!

If you are a retiree or soon to be retired, please leave a comment.  I would love to know what you think about this perspective of retirement.

Blessings!