Relational Performer

Yes, that's me ...

I have self-diagnosed and I admit that I get stuck in relationships 'doing'.

Here's a word-picture

I'm out in the middle of a huge body of water with my nose barely out of the water to breathe, walking toward the deep end without taking a minute to see where I'm taking myself.

Get the picture?

Need a real-life, example?

Well, when I was in college or maybe I was teaching ... I can't remember ... it was my Dad's birthday and I made him a cake to surprise him.  I planned, drove to his office--was all 'giddy' inside--walked into his office and his secretary asked how she might help me.  I blurted out "I'm here to see my Dad."  She pushes a button, tells my Dad I'm here to see him (unannounced) and she points to a door where I am to walk through to see him.  In my mind, I'm just going to pop into his office and say 'Happy Birthday" Surprise!!  He's going to jump up and stop everything to hug me and be SO happy to see me, just He and I.

I go through the door and there is a long table with men in suits all around it and my Dad at the head of the table (obviously an important meeting, of which I've just interrupted for a cake delivery, YIKES).   I'm mortified -- at that moment, I look down at my pitiful cake and come to my senses; sit the cake on the table, say Hhhhhappy Birthday Dad, so sorry to interrupt and I jet out of there.

In my adult life, I continue to do things like this.  Special candle-lit dinners, hand written cards ... with music ... I create all these things that in my mind will be received as I intended and when they aren't ... spiral downward ... back in the water, walking toward the deep end.

It's a set up, all orchestrated by ME, about ME.

You see, I now know that I unintentionally (subconsciously) do for people to bring a positive response to me that in turn validates me and 'makes me feel worthy'.  What I don't realize is that I am perceiving the response I receive from people in my life now through the 'view' of that young girl attempting to be affirmed by her Dad. (Her Dad who managed a very large company and was exceptional at his job, by the way).  When it is a negative response, or a 'non' response, I am crushed.

As Gary Thomas says in Sacred Marriage;

"If my wife Lisa is faithfully serving me when I'm in a surly mood and I'm not exactly falling over myself to show my appreciation, she still receives an inner affirmation and sense of fulfillment from God.  She has the joy of that inner witness that tells her that her Creator is pleased with her."

Hmmm

I don't think our guys in our life are intentionally ignoring or inadvertently 'missing' the mark with their affirming us.  I just think they don't think like us.  This is not in any way to put down my Dad or anyone else in my life.  I am just trying to communicate a thought process I think many women go through and get caught in a dark place mentally as we process it incorrectly. (Satan loves to get us to think badly of ourselves).  

We have placed our focus on a person and not on God.  

Gary continues with;

"To become a servant is to become radically strong spiritually.  It means you are free from the petty demands and grievances that ruin so many lives and turn so many hearts into bitter cauldrons of disappointment, self-absorption, and self-pity."

"There is TRUE joy when TRUE service is offered up with a TRUE heart."

Lord, please help me move past the initial hurt if my efforts to serve are not received with appreciation. Help me at that moment to look inward to my intent in my heart as I am serving and ask -- Am I faithfully serving?  Is it TRUE?  Grow me to become radically strong spiritually.  Allow my heart to receive the fulfillment from God in those moments.
Amen