Where does Nitro go between the old & the new of changed behavior?

Where do you go?  

In the time of changed behavior, between the old and the new...Where do you go?

When we began this journey and Nitro would bolt or jerk suddenly, I would read this as aggression and Nitro being afraid.  He was just unsure and asking questions, but I would respond in fear and anxiety and a tense body...Nitro fed off of that...and our combination was A MESS!!  Can you see it now? 

So I am going to share this transition from fear to safety to 'release'. (My challenge to you is to apply this to your relationship with God.)

LESSON 6--WHERE DO YOU GO?

So Nitro would react out of not knowing (which was often at first) and I would become fearful until LeAnn taught me as a willing student, eager to receive, that this is Nitro just questioning. When he doesn't know he turns to me to tell him. When that communication results in a positive end he returns to me for that 'release'.  Now in the horse world, that is an important thing to know.  A horse is uptight and tense and ready to bolt (that fight or flight response) until you see them 'release'.  LeAnn demonstrated this...as Nitro would 'get it' he would turn to me and lick his chops and his jaw would relax, following that, his whole body relaxed.  It's so cool to know this.  It's as if he is saying "what, what, what do you want....hey, where is she...gotta check in with Cindy...'release', 'safety', 'Ahhh', that wasn't so bad'.

My question to you is where do you go?  Where is your release?  Where is your safety?

Here are the lyrics to a song by Lindsay Mccaul

"Where Do You Go"

Stuck at a crossroad, you keep waiting for a sign

Could a pen from heaven write your answer in the sky

If an constellation were to point you left or right

You would go

So where do you go

When there's no voice from heaven

Where do you go

When all you have are questions

Maybe the silence is his mercy

and There's beauty in his mystery

You should know you're not alone

Wherever you go

You pray for eyes to see with every waking breath

A holy fire to illuminate your steps

A single cloud could lead you through your wilderness

 And you would go

It's by faith we live

It's by faith we see and believe

 We believe 

I am reminded of what is told in Genesis 22:1-19 where God tells Abraham to take Isaac to Mount Moriah (oh and by the way, it was a mere 50 miles) and sacrifice his son.  Here are my notes after reading that scripture.  

A side note for those seeking, I have set aside morning devotion time once I get to work where I spend time in the word (I follow the 365 day reading plan in the back of my bible), I read the scripture, write down notes as I read from the word; then I reflect personally on what that scripture is saying to me today in my present state of life.) I refuse to turn on anything electronic or touch anything work-related until I do this. 

God refines us through difficult times.  When we are tested or in difficult circumstances, we can complain or we can try to see how God is stretching us to deepen our character. 

We should not expect our obedience to God to be easy or to come naturally.  

Sometimes God asks us to sacrifice someone or something (I'm thinking of what ever my Tower of Babel may have become) to see in our heart where our faith really is.  Sacrifice our children in our heart?  So it will be clear that I love God more than I love my children?  WHOA....fear reaction, looking for safety....where do I go?

I have lived a life where my emphasis has been on teaching and my children.  Ladies, I know you are with me on this, but hear me when I admit how wrong I have been and what a trail of destruction my creation of my Tower of Babel has left.  Where I have gone in my life has been to revamp any effort needed to build, secure and maintain those two areas of my life.  I would be what is called 'over-functioning' in relationships. Believe me when I say, 'I did good'.  In the wake of doing this, the debris of failed marriages and a boarded up heart is my legacy.  Again, don't feel sorry for me, the purpose of my sharing is to speak to you.  God met me there, just as he met Gideon, in the wine press...hiding out...and he called him 'mighty warrior' (Judges 6:12)..this makes my heart full of joy.

When we give to God what He asks, He returns to us far more than we can dream.  After we sacrifice--He provides.  (I am caught by his horns in the thicket)  When God blesses us--the intent is to overflow to others.

In closing today, from Genesis 45:1-28  God is sovereign, His plans are not dictated by human action.  Don't ever give up hope that God has a wonderful future in store for you.  He uses bad things for His good.

Blessings.

Nitro and Me...Partial Obedience

Nitro and Me...Partial Obedience

Living off balance most of my life I have become fervent in my pursuit of relationships...to a fault.  With the influx or lack of hormonal balance (ask my students/co-workers/husband) God has entered my thought life in a BIG way.  Today I would like to show you how, through a horse (Nitro), God has helped me conquer some of what you may be 'warring' against.

LESSON 4 -- I am safer when I am calm and close

When LeAnn had me lift Nitro's back legs, he had an issue with that.  One afternoon when I was 'doing my homework' and I went to lift his back leg; he kicked at me.  Instantly I became full of fear.  So, I moved away and avoided his back legs.  That fear set in fast and hard; it became larger and larger.  When LeAnn came for our next lesson and it was time for me to pick up his back leg I shared my homework experience and so she worked with Nitro and demonstrated how 'easy' it was.  Here were her lesson statements "Go with him" "Stay close".  She explained even if he were to kick at me, I put myself in more danger when I am further away.

"I am safer when I am calm and close"

When I am afraid I withdraw, recoil, and stiffen up.

In my relationships, I mimic this behavior.  Can you relate?  This behavior with Nitro, caused introspection as I relate to others and primarily how do I relate to God?

In the Sacred Marriage devotional book,  "If I stop receiving from God. I start demanding from others." Most of my life, my relational expectations were mostly defined by disappointments where I would be 'stung or kicked' and I would respond by withdrawing, recoiling, and stiffening up.  In this experience, I had to learn to move in close (feed this hunger that has manifested in this relationship with spiritual food) and go with Him.  God is revealing that if a human relationship is 'failing' thats the signal I am not being fed...I am not staying close...  Gary Thomas says it this way "Start defining disappointment with your spouse as spiritual hunger, a cosmic call to worship.  marriage is a wonderful institution, but it is limited.  It can't replace God. Don't ask it to."

LESSON 5 -- Opportunities to Succeed

Again, you would have thought I wouldn't be so surprised with the principle about giving Nitro opportunities to succeed, but that's what this lesson is about.  In the world of horse training, I understand that there are many theories.  There's the theory of "I'm in charge and it's gonna be my way or the highway...look out horse!!"  OR there's the theory that if you chose otherwise, it's just not as safe as it is to chose my way.  LeAnn taught me that Nitro is named Nitro for a reason.  He thinks like this..."Oh my goodness....just tell me what you want....oh my goodness...I'm afraid....oh, dear...that's different, that's fearful...."  He's always thinking 'how do I get this done, I'm so afraid, eminent doom'.  It's really funny, he's such an athletic guy, really muscular...but he's such a baby.  Very set is his ways.  If you did it a particular way last lesson and you change it .... look out!!  One lesson, LeAnn brought a lawn chair into the arena, Nitro was sure it was the end of the world for LeAnn to sit in that chair and give us instruction.

So here's the lesson.  If Nitro was in the arena and I was trying to catch him, as I approached him I make all kinds of extreme body movement and noise when he looks or moves in a way I do not want him to.  And when he chooses to look at me, ears forward, listening to me.....LeAnn would say to me to think 'strawberries and chocolate'  say to Nitro with those thoughts in my mind "good boy Nitro, Nitro...good boy".  So his choice between chaos and being safe is always being safe; and that is me.

He has to wholly and totally commit to me; not partially commit...or there is chaos....chaos I create.

For me; this relates to my partial obedience/ to be safe/always leads to future hardship eventually making my life more difficult.  Choose today whom you will serve (Joshua 24:15)...doesn't mean partially...My choice to serve partially, to stay safe, to recoil and withdraw always ended in chaos.

I rejoice in this journey with you...I pray this brings you to wholly serve Him.

Meet Nitro

Meet Nitro

I know, not a story about a horse.  NO, this is a story about my redemptive journey, through Nitro ~ to God.  It began in May of last year when I was out riding with my husband who is an avid horseman and I thought I could ride a horse just fine because I had always ridden a horse since I was young.  However, riding a horse as a spectator vs. operator are two very different prospects.  I have always been physically able to just go jump on a horse and ride it.  Now that I am 'older' I am more concerned with injuries; and this became obvious to my husband as we rode.  He told me I needed horse riding lessons.  I instantly removed myself from the horse and walked home.  When I arrived home, my husband had already made an appointment for my first lesson.  Needless to say, I was angry.

So when lesson day one arrived I said to myself, "No big deal, I'll just get through this and we will be done."  Well, guess what, I knew nothing about horses...AT ALL!!  God used the lessons to teach me some very essential truths.  These truths I am going to share with you on the next few blogs.  If you are interested in attending what I call "Women Facing Their Fears Day" at the farm...we will be scheduling another one this spring.  This day is all about YOU and your fears.  We set up a shooting range, a horse range and a self-esteem range..have lunch in the machine shed and call it a day.

LESSON 1:  I MATTER

I learned that as my life changes (children are gone, menopause, retirement) I needed something predictable ... something I could control.
So the trainer--LeAnn--said to me, go get Nitro.  I had my halter and lead rope in hand and I went into the stall where Nitro was and he immediately turned his butt to me.  LeAnn immediately came unglued and said NO, NO we will have none of that rude behavior.  Basically, she showed me that I am to become the most important person to Nitro and the minute I enter his stall, he is to show me respect.  WOW did that get my attention!!  I wanted to cry.
All my life, from childhood on, I have been that baby girl who (as the third girl) was seeking worth and validation from my dad.  My mom was expecting my younger brother just months after I was born and she was unable to lift me and carry me. So there are pictures of me rocking myself to sleep with a bonnet on, sleeping on my rocking horse.  Don't feel sorry for me...I'm just giving you background and childhood stuff I have worked through; and I pray you can identify with as a woman.  So, unknowingly to me, I have spent most my life seeking what only God can give me and that is the fact the I am God's daughter and HE delights in me.  I am worthy.  I am enough.  Read page 69 in Captivating and see if you relate to this.

LESSON 2:  PERSONAL SPACE

'The heaviness of NO boundaries'.
Once I was able to command Nitro's respect and put on his halter, I had to learn how to lead him.  Go figure...I've been leading horses for a while...but I learned that I've been doing it wrong.  LeAnn watched as I let Nitro 'snuggle' with me.  It feels good to have Nitro near me, and he likes to be near me--but what a 'disaster' that "lack of boundaries" sets up.
LeAnn explained; Nitro is a 1000 pound horse, he's not a lap dog.  Do you want him to come running to you if there is danger?  Get what God is saying to me?  Again, I wanted to cry.  Think of the 'weight' of lack of boundaries in relationships.

This lesson gave me -- ME -- back!!!

LESSON 3:  LEAN ON ME

This is the 'grooming' lesson.  LeAnn instructed; Start from the front, top and work your way down and back.  As you brush your horse, he relaxes, you relax and you two connect.
Picking up his feet -- hoof care -- I was instructed to NOT ALLOW Nitro to 'use me' to lean on.  If I allow this, this causes him to be off balance. Hmmmmm, off balance.  So, what you're saying is if I take his load (high functioning mommas--helicopter mommas) he becomes off balance?
I am instructed to allow him to balance ON HIS OWN, to balance his own weight while I lift his foot.

If I park myself in a position that "allows" Nitro to rest on me -- HE WILL!! So, don't allow yourself to be used.

It all depends on your position...where you 'park yourself'.

I can't explain the transforming power that has started in my heart at this point in my journey.  My heart began to be mended... I Praise God for Nitro....

There are 18 lessons; stay tuned.  

I would love to hear what you think.  Shoot me (ha ha, no pun intended) a comment.

Blessings to you!!

Fiftypluslivingaswomen: Feeling Aseptic

Fiftypluslivingaswomen: Feeling Aseptic: Working Through an Aseptic State of Mind Aseptic--process by which a sterile product is packaged in a sterile container in a way th...

Feeling Aseptic

Working Through an Aseptic State of Mind

Aseptic--process by which a sterile product is packaged in a sterile container in a way that maintains sterility.

It seems when I'm hit with a reminder of an event that brought emense emotional pain, I go to this aseptic place inside of me....a place where I protect, lash out and wall off...anyone else?

I am wondering why this is, why when I watch a video clip in a perfectly happy state of mind, ready to take on the world; and BAM, I'm there....unplugged, tears fall....and I'm numb.  My poor husband (and I am sure most men are like this, but I'm not a man; so I don't really know) has NO idea what to do or say.  He asks me to share, I share and there he sits...now he has to 'fix' it.  Well, no matter how hard he tries he can't fix this.  We pray...or should I say he prays...and I listen, I agree...and I'm still sitting in my pajamas staring out the window....

For me, I have to MAKE myself do what I call 'self care'.  I have to go exercise, get outside....walk and be alone and cry out to my Lord and Saviour.  He is my comforter, but sometimes the comfort doesn't come when I want it, how I want it...that's the lesson.

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The above was an entry from 2 weeks ago that I feel comfortable publishing now.  At the time, I had to let it sit while I worked through the difficulty.  As the bible studies, radio broadcasts and work collide through life, a picture is emerging... JOY is Power, Obedience is hard....

Here are a few insights;  from 1 John 1:1-10  God is light--represents what is good, true, holy and reliable.  The absence of light is darkness--represents sinfulness and evil. By identifying ourself with Christ we commit our life to Him ... thus our identity is in Him and His death becomes ours ~ to sin.  Confession of sin isn't to 'keep' our salvation...our relationship with Christ is secure.  We should confess so that we can enjoy maximum fellowship and JOY with Christ. From 1John 3:1-24 Thus if a person never confesses and never receives forgiveness, such a person is in opposition to God.

In Opposition to God....No JOY.....No Power...Aseptic

So, this has been a difficult week for me ... I was cussed out at work .... have become more and more comfortable with leaving my job to retire ... so therefore, I am a bit distant .... have discovered that the word 'retired' means very different things to people ... some are shocked and sad at the prospect of me being 'retired' in that perhaps I will shrivel up and waste away into nothing land (gotta stay busy) ... others are quick to put me to work for them as if I was a commodity .... and yet others are very happy for me, but are concerned that I will give myself away to demands of others.  So my fierce struggle is to seek the JOY that God has for me and rest assured in Him and His plans.

As a point of application, just this morning appeared an 'opportunity for growth' where words were spoken, and I had a choice to give back what was given to me .... I chose to leave the room, contemplate the pain of the situation, pray and proceed with my  morning 'out of obedience to God'... I know that sounds like I am bragging or trying to sound 'good', but I'm just saying God has really entered the 'doing' part of my life ... that moment in your thinking when to act is easy (what I've chosen in the past) but to refrain and think is my choice.  To identify the moment of what I call 'acceleration' in an event is vital. Only God and the Holy Spirit alive and active in me could do this.

From Sacred Marriage Devotions by Gary Thomas..he describes how important it is to be fearful of God ... like in a good way ... and to recognize that I am married to His son ... like God is my Father-in-Law.  It is so cool (yet fearful) to think about how He as my Creator, knows all my thoughts, my feelings, etc and if I am obedient to Him my 'fear of God is growing more than my rebellion' my life gets easier....my JOY does produce power.  There is no other explanation of my ability to leave the room, return and cook breakfast without a word...now that's power.

And in His heavenly way an apology...

I love you Lord, help me be more like you and to humbly receive your JOY and the power that comes in being obedient to You...Amen