Working Through an Aseptic State of Mind
It seems when I'm hit with a reminder of an event that brought emense emotional pain, I go to this aseptic place inside of me....a place where I protect, lash out and wall off...anyone else?
I am wondering why this is, why when I watch a video clip in a perfectly happy state of mind, ready to take on the world; and BAM, I'm there....unplugged, tears fall....and I'm numb. My poor husband (and I am sure most men are like this, but I'm not a man; so I don't really know) has NO idea what to do or say. He asks me to share, I share and there he sits...now he has to 'fix' it. Well, no matter how hard he tries he can't fix this. We pray...or should I say he prays...and I listen, I agree...and I'm still sitting in my pajamas staring out the window....
For me, I have to MAKE myself do what I call 'self care'. I have to go exercise, get outside....walk and be alone and cry out to my Lord and Saviour. He is my comforter, but sometimes the comfort doesn't come when I want it, how I want it...that's the lesson.
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The above was an entry from 2 weeks ago that I feel comfortable publishing now. At the time, I had to let it sit while I worked through the difficulty. As the bible studies, radio broadcasts and work collide through life, a picture is emerging... JOY is Power, Obedience is hard....
Here are a few insights; from 1 John 1:1-10 God is light--represents what is good, true, holy and reliable. The absence of light is darkness--represents sinfulness and evil. By identifying ourself with Christ we commit our life to Him ... thus our identity is in Him and His death becomes ours ~ to sin. Confession of sin isn't to 'keep' our salvation...our relationship with Christ is secure. We should confess so that we can enjoy maximum fellowship and JOY with Christ. From 1John 3:1-24 Thus if a person never confesses and never receives forgiveness, such a person is in opposition to God.
So, this has been a difficult week for me ... I was cussed out at work .... have become more and more comfortable with leaving my job to retire ... so therefore, I am a bit distant .... have discovered that the word 'retired' means very different things to people ... some are shocked and sad at the prospect of me being 'retired' in that perhaps I will shrivel up and waste away into nothing land (gotta stay busy) ... others are quick to put me to work for them as if I was a commodity .... and yet others are very happy for me, but are concerned that I will give myself away to demands of others. So my fierce struggle is to seek the JOY that God has for me and rest assured in Him and His plans.
As a point of application, just this morning appeared an 'opportunity for growth' where words were spoken, and I had a choice to give back what was given to me .... I chose to leave the room, contemplate the pain of the situation, pray and proceed with my morning 'out of obedience to God'... I know that sounds like I am bragging or trying to sound 'good', but I'm just saying God has really entered the 'doing' part of my life ... that moment in your thinking when to act is easy (what I've chosen in the past) but to refrain and think is my choice. To identify the moment of what I call 'acceleration' in an event is vital. Only God and the Holy Spirit alive and active in me could do this.
From Sacred Marriage Devotions by Gary Thomas..he describes how important it is to be fearful of God ... like in a good way ... and to recognize that I am married to His son ... like God is my Father-in-Law. It is so cool (yet fearful) to think about how He as my Creator, knows all my thoughts, my feelings, etc and if I am obedient to Him my 'fear of God is growing more than my rebellion' my life gets easier....my JOY does produce power. There is no other explanation of my ability to leave the room, return and cook breakfast without a word...now that's power.
And in His heavenly way an apology...
I love you Lord, help me be more like you and to humbly receive your JOY and the power that comes in being obedient to You...Amen
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The above was an entry from 2 weeks ago that I feel comfortable publishing now. At the time, I had to let it sit while I worked through the difficulty. As the bible studies, radio broadcasts and work collide through life, a picture is emerging... JOY is Power, Obedience is hard....
Here are a few insights; from 1 John 1:1-10 God is light--represents what is good, true, holy and reliable. The absence of light is darkness--represents sinfulness and evil. By identifying ourself with Christ we commit our life to Him ... thus our identity is in Him and His death becomes ours ~ to sin. Confession of sin isn't to 'keep' our salvation...our relationship with Christ is secure. We should confess so that we can enjoy maximum fellowship and JOY with Christ. From 1John 3:1-24 Thus if a person never confesses and never receives forgiveness, such a person is in opposition to God.
In Opposition to God....No JOY.....No Power...Aseptic
So, this has been a difficult week for me ... I was cussed out at work .... have become more and more comfortable with leaving my job to retire ... so therefore, I am a bit distant .... have discovered that the word 'retired' means very different things to people ... some are shocked and sad at the prospect of me being 'retired' in that perhaps I will shrivel up and waste away into nothing land (gotta stay busy) ... others are quick to put me to work for them as if I was a commodity .... and yet others are very happy for me, but are concerned that I will give myself away to demands of others. So my fierce struggle is to seek the JOY that God has for me and rest assured in Him and His plans.
As a point of application, just this morning appeared an 'opportunity for growth' where words were spoken, and I had a choice to give back what was given to me .... I chose to leave the room, contemplate the pain of the situation, pray and proceed with my morning 'out of obedience to God'... I know that sounds like I am bragging or trying to sound 'good', but I'm just saying God has really entered the 'doing' part of my life ... that moment in your thinking when to act is easy (what I've chosen in the past) but to refrain and think is my choice. To identify the moment of what I call 'acceleration' in an event is vital. Only God and the Holy Spirit alive and active in me could do this.
From Sacred Marriage Devotions by Gary Thomas..he describes how important it is to be fearful of God ... like in a good way ... and to recognize that I am married to His son ... like God is my Father-in-Law. It is so cool (yet fearful) to think about how He as my Creator, knows all my thoughts, my feelings, etc and if I am obedient to Him my 'fear of God is growing more than my rebellion' my life gets easier....my JOY does produce power. There is no other explanation of my ability to leave the room, return and cook breakfast without a word...now that's power.
And in His heavenly way an apology...
I love you Lord, help me be more like you and to humbly receive your JOY and the power that comes in being obedient to You...Amen
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