The mental processing of a woman leaving a marriage

It always seems like it happens this way, the woman has packed her bags, closed the bank accounts, and leaves.  The man is stunned, shocked, devastated and surprised.  The timing is all off when it comes to the heart of a woman compared to that of a man in a broken marriage.

You see what really has happened is the woman's heart has died a slow death over the duration of the marriage.  The husband hasn't noticed. She has cried those silent tears so many nights she's lost count.  You see as a woman, it's easy to hide.  We've learned it well~we know we are alone. And a man who is preoccupied and not tuned into his wife will never be alerted to the exit signs of a woman.

At the beginning, you might try to share your unhappiness--but it's never validated and your voicing concern or sadness falls on deaf ears.  Men take in your words and behaviors comparing them to his own past experiences and they aren't so alarming to him.  He's still not noticed, nor has he made any effort to change or show empathy to her struggles (no matter how tiny they seem to him).

BIG MISTAKE

What happens next is the woman boards up her heart.  Like she's going into battle.  She securely tucks away all parts of her femininity and 'does life'.  All enjoyment and pleasure must be fulfilled outside the marriage.  The home becomes ~ laundry, cooking, dishes, caring for children and getting to bed early.  There's no sharing from the heart anymore because when she shared, it hurt because it fell on deaf ears.

In the book Captivating by Stasi Eldredge she describes the wound of a girl's heart and the messages they give us as women.

"The wounds that we received as young girls did not come alone.  They brought messages with them, messages that struck at the core of our hearts, right in the place of our Question. (Am I seen? Am I enough? Am I lovely?)  Our wounds strike at the core of our femininity.  The damage done to our feminine hearts through the wounds we received is made much worse by the horrible things we believe about ourselves as a result.  As children, we didn't have the faculties to process and sort through what was happening to us. Our parents were godlike.  We believed them to be right.  If we were overwhelmed or belittled or hurt or abused, we believed that somehow it was because of us--the problem was with us."

So you see without knowing it, if our husband validates what was our childhood message in our marriage we are sure 'here is more proof I'm not enough or lovely or worthy'.

Here's what it looks like; if a young girl had a father who was absent from her life and her message growing up was that she was some how a disappointment to him--the minute her husband voices disapproval or prefers to go away to hunt with her dad over and over and over--the message is clear to her, she's not enough and the pain is overwhelming.  

If a young girl was left alone over and over and over and it wasn't a 'good' experience and she marries a man who moves her out to the country and leaves her alone over and over and over ...  The newness of the marriage has worn off, the children are born (which is when most women think some kind of fairy tale life will begin with their husband co-parenting and it just doesn't turn out that way) the woman spends those child-raising years feeling abandoned, caring for the children. Then, once the children grow old enough to not require so much of her ... she has some spare moments ... the pain will return and she will look for anything or anyone to relieve her pain from that childhood hurt.

Stasi continues 

"We also developed ways of trying to get something of the love our hearts cried out for.  The ache is there. Despite the best face we put on our lives, the ache is there.  As Proverbs says, "even in laughter the heart may ache" (14:13).  Our desperate need for love and affirmation, our thirst for some taste of romance and adventure and beauty is there.  So we turned to boys or to food or to romance novels; we lost ourselves in our work or at church or in some sort of service.  All this adds up to the women we are today.  Much of what we call our 'personalities' is actually the mosaic of our choices for self-protection plus our plan to get something of the love we were created for.  The problem is our plan has nothing to do with God.

The wounds we received and the messages they brought formed a sort of unholy alliance with our fallen nature as women."

As I researched this recurring story in marriages we are exposed to I found this common quote about why women are leaving marriages;
Some of the common complaints I hear from women is, 
"He ignores me except when he wants sex, he sits and watches television when he could be talking to me, he rarely calls me to see how I'm doing, he hurts my feelings and then never apologizes: Instead, he tells me I'm too sensitive." from MarriageBuilders.com.

Historically, a woman is gone WAY before the husband has any idea they aren't happy in the marriage.  It's like they finally notice once the woman is done ... has packed her bags ... has given up.

****
Ladies, listen to me, it doesn't have to be this way ... The reason Christ came to 'ransom us from sin and death, to pay the price for our transgressions through his blood shed on the cross so that we might be forgiven, might come home to the Father.  It's true.  It's so wonderfully true.  Only ... there is more.'  Read Isaiah 61:1-3

1The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
         Because the LORD has anointed me
         To bring good news to the afflicted;
         He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
         To proclaim liberty to captives
         And freedom to prisoners;

2To proclaim the favorable year of the LORD
         And the day of vengeance of our God;
         To comfort all who mourn,

3To grant those who mourn in Zion,
         Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
         The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
         The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
         So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
         The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.

Now read Staci's translation as it relates to Jesus' role in healing our hearts, in answering our questions;

God has sent me on a mission.

I have some great news for you.

God has sent me to restore and release something.

And that something is you.

I am here to give you back your heart and set you free.

I am furious at the Enemy who did this to you, and I will fight against him.

Let me comfort you.

For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upon you

where you have known only devastation.

Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow. 

And I will robe your heart in thankful praise

in exchange for your resignation and despair.

****

It is my prayer that this post will help women stop before they leave a marriage.  I also have this prayer that maybe one man might read this and re-connect with his wife.  That he might notice her silent tears and choose to study her to uncover her childhood wounds and a marriage might be saved.

Again, please contact us at Farm House Marriage Ministry if you are considering 'the exit'.  We would love to pray with you, talk to you and give you hope.

Blessings

A Wife ... What's That?

Since my retirement, I have had the gift of time; time to be at home, time to be a wife.

As I look back at my life, I've really NOT taken the time to be a wife.  Yes, I was a wife and mom ... but I was busy.  Busy taking care of what was next.  Just staying a week ahead.

I have thought about this and am a bit sad for what I rushed through, the times I had the kids and really didn't enjoy it; I just 'managed' it ALL THE TIME.

Lately we were attending a girls high school basketball playoff game and there were several people there I recognized from earlier days.  It made me recall how rushed I was with my kids at functions like this, constant attention to their behavior and needs; very little being still in the moment and enjoying.

I'm not having a pity party, I'm just saying this was how it was and I did the very best I could with the information and resources I had.

Now, to being a wife ... the Bible describes this relationship between husband and wife .... it is to mirror Jesus' relationship with the church. 

Ephesians 5:25 'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.'

So what does that look like, and what does that mean?  How do we do this?

From the book 'Help Meet' by Debi Pearl, 

"The emphasis is not on women submitting to men, but rather on women showing, here on earth, the heavenly pattern of the Son submitting to the Father."

The concept of submission, obedience and reverence have been difficult for me in the arena of marriage.  It has always seemed like it took something away from my person-hood, my giftings as a person, a 'lowering' of my expectations for myself.  I have always thought a woman could do anything a man could do, and my life has reflected that.  I have left marriages with the thought, 'I don't want my children to grow up seeing a woman, their mom, being treated [what I thought was] unfairly and without equal status in the home.'  I pretty much did what I thought right and good and if my husband thought differently, too bad for him.

Now, knowing that my role as a wife typifies the Church's relationship to Christ ~ this changes everything.  If I am behaving to change my husband, or to bring him to repentance ... that is not my role.  

TOTAL CHANGE OF THINKING

I am called to [or better known as I was created to];
Obedience--doing what you know the other person wants you to do.
Submission--my heart giving over to the other person's will.
Reverence--which is more than just doing what a man expects or demands it is an act of the woman's will to treat him with a high degree of regard and awe. (Did you get that ... an act of a woman's will--help me Lord.)

These are new to me.  I have time now to demonstrate these characteristics in my marriage, thank you Lord. 

This perception I have had of 'authority' over my man, has been wrong.  So much of what I was doing to 'survive'--most of the time usurping my husbands authority in the home--always brought me to that dark, sad place.  Could it be because I was working against my nature, like; I was not made to endure the things I took on?  Those were things my husband was to take on, not me -- times when I could stop my thoughts from going ~there~!!
*sigh*

I am to meet his needs, show him respect and support him.  He has been designed to lead and he is the one who will have to answer to God about how he does that.  I will answer to how I treated my man ... out of reverence to God.

Now if you know me, you know I am not a 'mousy' woman.  I am not saying that is what we are called to be.  I am saying that I need to take a close look at what my 40,000 thoughts (yes ladies, that's how many...) in a day move me to do ~ do they move me to behave with respect, honor & love, or resentment?

Listen to what Debi Pearl writes about this;

"In our own strength, we women tend to have minds like old LP records that are scratched.  We take our husband's faults and replay them in our thoughts over and over again,  'he's insensitive...he's insensitive...he's insensitive...he's insensitive ...' We get worked up over the smallest offense until our agitation sours into bitterness.  He will forget to feed the dog three days in a row.  We will look at the empty dog bowl and attribute all kinds of evil motives to him.

 *This was a true revealing of my thought process, when I read that last line* 

He will leave us waiting in the car for and extra ten minutes, and we convince ourselves that his lack of consideration is just the tip of the cold iceburg of his heart.  Since we are 'Christian' ladies, and the kids are watching, we don't rant and rave; we just give him the stone-cold, silent treatment.  He must know how much he hurts us, and the best way to retaliate is to hurt him back by depriving him of what he wants most--respect, honor, and love.  We know that this will get his attention, and he will eventually have to come humbly asking what is wrong."

Sound familiar? 

She continues by describing the difference 'between a good marriage and a lousy one is not found in good husbands and good wives versus bad husbands and bad wives, for all marriages are made up of two sinners with lots of faults.  

A good marriage is good because one or both of them have learned to overlook the other's faults, to love the other as he or she is and to not attempt to change the other or bring him or her to repentance.'

I know I have a very very long way to go ... but my brain is processing differently, just by knowing what I've shared with you.  I can now 'see' my husband, I can move from that instant feeling of hurt by something he has said or done [or not done] to empathy in that very instant.  It's very freeing when it happens -- can't tell you it has happened very often yet -- but I wonder ... have we missed the mark ladies? 

Have we taken on what wasn't EVER meant for us to take on?  

I know I had to do more than I was designed to do in my life out of sheer survival, and unfortunately, I was good at it.  It's time to 'unload' and redirect my person-hood ... to wife.

Praise God for this new opportunity to show His love through my behavior in my marriage.

Saying Good-bye to a Way of Life (perhaps a mid-life crisis)

Today I am home, not with a group of students (over 1000) conducting business and marketing role plays, tests and greeting judges.  I know this sounds silly to many of you, but I am sad.

I am not sad because I question my leaving that part of my life,
I am not sad because I am in a place that is awful in my life (actually am in a very content place in my life now),
I am not sad because I think I am such a big part of what is happening at this conference that they can't do it without me,
I am not sad because I doubt God has me where I am supposed to be.

So why am I sad?  Why does my heart hurt?

I wonder if this is what people think of when they ask "Are you in a mid-life crisis?"

I think that closing a door and learning to live differently is difficult especially with the intensity, speed and significance of where I was in my career compared to where I am now.

Things are much much slower now.  When I leave my home and interact with people in these new environments it is one relationship/conversation at a time.  In my teaching profession, the conversation I would have with a student would last a few, concise minutes as there was inevitably someone waiting to either talk to me next or with their hand up at their desk 'needing me'.  So my brain and behavior has been trained to move in and out of situations quickly ... and to be needed.

While I would be talking to someone, I would be multitasking -- thinking ahead, scanning the room for possible 'issues' I could disrupt before they grew and became out-of-hand ...  always on alert to body movements, who was walking behind me, what was going on in my environment ... I think it's something you learn in public school teaching.  This learned behavior has made its appearance in my present-day life and sometimes I literally can't sit still and listen ... keeping good eye contact and all I know I should be doing ... ugh!

****

I am adjusting and am very blessed.  REALLY!!

All of this takes me to Joshua 14:10-12 "Here I am today, eighty-five years old! I am still as strong today as the day Moses sent me out; I'm just as vigorous to o out to battle now as I was then.  Now give me this hill country that the LORD promised me that day. You yourself heard then that the Anakites were there and their cities were large and fortified, but, the LORD helping me, I will drive them out just as he said."

Caleb was an 'old' man and he was ready to take on 'another mountain'.  He was actually asking God for a mountain.  In the devotional 'The Word for You Today', by Yorktown Assembly of God 

"Anybody can occupy the flat ground, but it takes faith in God to tackle a mountain."

So am I ready to take on a mountain?  The Word for You Today describes 'your mountain' as the place where there is an intersection of your greatest strengths and your greatest passions.  I was blessed to have had a career like I had, which was at that intersection.  Do I trust God in guiding my future to the next intersection?  Or am I going to choose to sulk and remain 'stuck' in my sadness?

"It's in working to solve problems and overcome challenges that you become the person God wants you to be."

This is how to get beyond yourself and your mid-life crisis.

"Challenges undertaken for the greater good bind us to people, whereas the pursuit of comfort leads to isolation.  And isolation is terminal." 

Now to prepare my heart for the 'uncomfortable' and possibly an adventure, a bit of danger, definitely some risk and reward.
A new mountain.

I give you thanks and praise for the previous mountain Lord; now bring on the next one Lord.

How to Choose Joy

Have you ever noticed that tendency to argue and disagree with your spouse usually always happens on the way to church?  Or just prior or after a ministry opportunity?

I have!

During these margins in time I have become keenly aware of my thinking, feelings and speaking.

This is something I haven't experienced before, where there is such a difference in emotion, communication style and routine.  These times are the times when 'stopping' is a choice!  And an important tool to learn to use.

So, what to do in those margins of time.

In the Journey to the Heart, by Melody Beattie--she writes

"One step at a time.  That's all you can take.  That's all you have to take.  Yes, you have visions you've created of where you want to go.  But you don't get there in one leap.   You get there one step at a time.  That's how you receive your guidance.  Let your faith be strong. Your faith will keep you going through those moments in between steps.  When your faith is strong, you don't look in fear at the journey ahead, wondering if you will get all the guidance you need .. You take the simple steps, one at a time, that lie ahead.  You take them in joy ..."

It's a matter of focus -- tunnel vision -- holding fast to your faith.  Ask yourself 'What is it about NOW that I have to say [this or that] -- fill in the blanks'.  If you evaluate before you speak, allowing your emotion and feelings to settle enough to think, you are DOING the 'one step at a time'.

'Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.'  Hebrews 10:23

Taking captive every thought.

'We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.' 2 Corinthians 10:5

So now that you are able to take one step at a time, when you are ready to speak and process, ask yourself 'is this thought you have and, are going to share, in line with what Christ would have you share'?

One thing I would like to add is that in my last post about being in 'the cave' phase of my life the behavior choice I describe above was difficult.  When you are in a difficult time in your life, you have to force yourself to put one foot in front of the other and do what needs to be done.  As Melody Beattie shares

"But when we operate that way for too long, we can be separated from our heart, separated from our desires, and instincts, and healthy inclinations.  Separated from that part of us that lives and loves ... separated from joy."

She continues describing a difficult time in her life;

"I was operating from sheer will, and that will was struggling hard to overcome the desire to give up."

 She became tired of forcing herself.  Tired of pushing through, and realized that she had climbed the mountain.  She was over the top, and she was coming alive again.

My point is ... in that moment when those thoughts begin, remember to choose joy and rely on your faith to get you through; not on what is 'going on' around you.  It might be words that could 'bate' you to respond unkindly and into the pit you go; or it might be a chore left undone that spurs your thinking to spiral; this is where the REAL fight is. 

Where will you allow your thoughts to go?  

You are responsible for your thinking and doing.

Come out of 'the cave' and over 'the mountain' ... there's JOY on the other side -- my dear sister in Christ.

Is your 'manna' enough?

Just finished studying a chapter with my husband for our marriage ministry about Sexual Saints.

In this chapter from Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas is describing the value of sex and passion as God designed it.  He says

"Remember--every hunger that entices us in the flesh is an exploitation of a need that can be better met by God."

This is where I became introspective in my life ~ thus far, I have 'bought' the idea of needing to be pretty and attractive.  He says

"Does God think three hours a day in a gym, working feverishly against the realities of nature to preserve an adolescent stomach (with the hips of a mature woman and breasts of a nursing mother), is a good and profitable use of time?"  

He is not saying we are to neglect this 'temple' God has blessed us with.  He's addressing the same issue the Israelites had as they wondered the desert for 40 years. Over and over again, God provided for them, but they were either not satisfied or did not trust He would provide 'tomorrow' which motivated them to hoard manna 'today'.  

If you are familiar with the scripture ... what happened to the manna they had stored?  How did it turn out when they were 'over-doing'?  As Priscilla Schirer reveals in her Breathe Bible Study "there was a foulness". A stench, a horrible smell--rotting.

Priscilla continues with a description of a slave mind-set.

"... a slave mind-set is that it's rooted in scarcity and lack.  Brutalized and brainwashed by their captors, the Hebrews rarely had enough of anything to meet their needs.  The result of this kind of paltry living had made some of them hoarding, selfish vagabonds, unable to see the abundant goodness of Yahweh that was dripping from His hand directly in to their dusty laps.  They were always afraid they wouldn't have enough, so letting go of any excess was unthinkable."

So, we as women continue to think that just as we are ... we 'aren't enough'... we create what I like to call the Barbie and Ken pretend thinking.

As we promote the 'pretend' in all of media for our men to see, Gary Thomas warns

"As a result we are more and more directing the desires of men to something which does not exist--making the role of the eye in sexuality more and more important and at the same time making its demands more and more impossible."

"The Christian duty of married men is to reverse the propensity and make the role of the eye in sexuality less important as we embrace the spiritual reality of what is taking place.  Sight will always matter to men--that's how God wired us--but we can become mature in what we long to see."

****

This made me remember a time in my life when I 'indulged' in most anything I 'saw' and felt necessary to 'be happy'.  I furnished and renovated a home to fit my 'needs' perfectly.  I traveled on airplanes, just for a weekend, in limousines to lavish places.  You would think this 'excess' would result in exceedingly, abundantly ... [fill in the blank].  But not so much,   the end result was a very dark, empty feeling.  

I call this time in my life my 'cave' time.  

During this time I was raising two children and they saved me from myself.  I had to 'do' certain things like get up in the morning, get them off to school, then go to work, come home to grab a nap and pick them up and off to their activities.  Without this, I'm not sure I would have survived these years --  

I praise God for supplying to meet my needs even when I didn't pursue Him.  

I followed this time in my life with a time where I over-indulged in my work.  I was on every committee, the program at my school I was in charge of was one of the most successful in the state, I had a role in most every important aspect at my job where I was a 'vital' member and I stayed very busy and 'hidden'.  My friendships were very few and contact with people was in short sentences and direct, to the point conversations were my trademark.  Can you identify with that ladies?

It is having that time in my life to reflect on now [which matches the Israelites when they were stuffing themselves with quail that ends in despair and sickness] that gives me a comparing place today ... 
A place to remember what you used to be 
and 
To recall what God has accomplished on my behalf. (Priscilla Shirer, Breathe). 

Deuteronomy 5:15 'Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm.'

The key concept here is ~ it wouldn't matter if you did have the perfect skin using that latest product like Nerium to look younger.  And if you had that perfect home, with extra money and that top name-brand car with a vacation planned every 6 months to an exotic location ... you could end with that emptiness I experienced during my 'cave' years.

God provides the manna you need in the very time you are in now. (Lord, help us to be convinced in your provision.) 

That manna is your husband, your home, your life as it is RIGHT NOW.  To bring more into that space is our freedom of choice, but recognizing that true joy is in what He has provided RIGHT NOW in its abundance ... no more, no less.

Think about how He created this solar system, where the planet Earth is located ... it couldn't survive in any other environment just precisely where He has us.  It is SO perfect!!

Will you accept your manna ... leave your cave ... stop hiding?

"Remember--every hunger that entices us in the flesh is an exploitation of a need that can be better met by God."

Thank you Lord!!