The mental processing of a woman leaving a marriage

It always seems like it happens this way, the woman has packed her bags, closed the bank accounts, and leaves.  The man is stunned, shocked, devastated and surprised.  The timing is all off when it comes to the heart of a woman compared to that of a man in a broken marriage.

You see what really has happened is the woman's heart has died a slow death over the duration of the marriage.  The husband hasn't noticed. She has cried those silent tears so many nights she's lost count.  You see as a woman, it's easy to hide.  We've learned it well~we know we are alone. And a man who is preoccupied and not tuned into his wife will never be alerted to the exit signs of a woman.

At the beginning, you might try to share your unhappiness--but it's never validated and your voicing concern or sadness falls on deaf ears.  Men take in your words and behaviors comparing them to his own past experiences and they aren't so alarming to him.  He's still not noticed, nor has he made any effort to change or show empathy to her struggles (no matter how tiny they seem to him).

BIG MISTAKE

What happens next is the woman boards up her heart.  Like she's going into battle.  She securely tucks away all parts of her femininity and 'does life'.  All enjoyment and pleasure must be fulfilled outside the marriage.  The home becomes ~ laundry, cooking, dishes, caring for children and getting to bed early.  There's no sharing from the heart anymore because when she shared, it hurt because it fell on deaf ears.

In the book Captivating by Stasi Eldredge she describes the wound of a girl's heart and the messages they give us as women.

"The wounds that we received as young girls did not come alone.  They brought messages with them, messages that struck at the core of our hearts, right in the place of our Question. (Am I seen? Am I enough? Am I lovely?)  Our wounds strike at the core of our femininity.  The damage done to our feminine hearts through the wounds we received is made much worse by the horrible things we believe about ourselves as a result.  As children, we didn't have the faculties to process and sort through what was happening to us. Our parents were godlike.  We believed them to be right.  If we were overwhelmed or belittled or hurt or abused, we believed that somehow it was because of us--the problem was with us."

So you see without knowing it, if our husband validates what was our childhood message in our marriage we are sure 'here is more proof I'm not enough or lovely or worthy'.

Here's what it looks like; if a young girl had a father who was absent from her life and her message growing up was that she was some how a disappointment to him--the minute her husband voices disapproval or prefers to go away to hunt with her dad over and over and over--the message is clear to her, she's not enough and the pain is overwhelming.  

If a young girl was left alone over and over and over and it wasn't a 'good' experience and she marries a man who moves her out to the country and leaves her alone over and over and over ...  The newness of the marriage has worn off, the children are born (which is when most women think some kind of fairy tale life will begin with their husband co-parenting and it just doesn't turn out that way) the woman spends those child-raising years feeling abandoned, caring for the children. Then, once the children grow old enough to not require so much of her ... she has some spare moments ... the pain will return and she will look for anything or anyone to relieve her pain from that childhood hurt.

Stasi continues 

"We also developed ways of trying to get something of the love our hearts cried out for.  The ache is there. Despite the best face we put on our lives, the ache is there.  As Proverbs says, "even in laughter the heart may ache" (14:13).  Our desperate need for love and affirmation, our thirst for some taste of romance and adventure and beauty is there.  So we turned to boys or to food or to romance novels; we lost ourselves in our work or at church or in some sort of service.  All this adds up to the women we are today.  Much of what we call our 'personalities' is actually the mosaic of our choices for self-protection plus our plan to get something of the love we were created for.  The problem is our plan has nothing to do with God.

The wounds we received and the messages they brought formed a sort of unholy alliance with our fallen nature as women."

As I researched this recurring story in marriages we are exposed to I found this common quote about why women are leaving marriages;
Some of the common complaints I hear from women is, 
"He ignores me except when he wants sex, he sits and watches television when he could be talking to me, he rarely calls me to see how I'm doing, he hurts my feelings and then never apologizes: Instead, he tells me I'm too sensitive." from MarriageBuilders.com.

Historically, a woman is gone WAY before the husband has any idea they aren't happy in the marriage.  It's like they finally notice once the woman is done ... has packed her bags ... has given up.

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Ladies, listen to me, it doesn't have to be this way ... The reason Christ came to 'ransom us from sin and death, to pay the price for our transgressions through his blood shed on the cross so that we might be forgiven, might come home to the Father.  It's true.  It's so wonderfully true.  Only ... there is more.'  Read Isaiah 61:1-3

1The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
         Because the LORD has anointed me
         To bring good news to the afflicted;
         He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
         To proclaim liberty to captives
         And freedom to prisoners;

2To proclaim the favorable year of the LORD
         And the day of vengeance of our God;
         To comfort all who mourn,

3To grant those who mourn in Zion,
         Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
         The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
         The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
         So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
         The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.

Now read Staci's translation as it relates to Jesus' role in healing our hearts, in answering our questions;

God has sent me on a mission.

I have some great news for you.

God has sent me to restore and release something.

And that something is you.

I am here to give you back your heart and set you free.

I am furious at the Enemy who did this to you, and I will fight against him.

Let me comfort you.

For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upon you

where you have known only devastation.

Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow. 

And I will robe your heart in thankful praise

in exchange for your resignation and despair.

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It is my prayer that this post will help women stop before they leave a marriage.  I also have this prayer that maybe one man might read this and re-connect with his wife.  That he might notice her silent tears and choose to study her to uncover her childhood wounds and a marriage might be saved.

Again, please contact us at Farm House Marriage Ministry if you are considering 'the exit'.  We would love to pray with you, talk to you and give you hope.

Blessings