Just opened a social media site and saw my daughter
on a job site as a professional and all the years flew by in my head.
There she is, this timid, tiny, brilliant, thoughtful little girl all
grown up.
My Mom always said "Don't wish your life
away" when I would lament about wishing I was older. Now I see what
she meant.
This is the second beginning of school year for me
and today I am melancholy.
How to put into words what I am going through ...
it's not that I want to be returning to my career as educator, I think it's all
about the reality of how finite this journey is.
Don't say it!! I know, I know ... Baby Boomers
don't like to talk about the fact that we will die. And definitely NOT a
Facebook worthy topic ~ too dark and dismal. But here goes.
Yesterday I was in a near car wreck, so close that
when I got home I noticed white paint on my front right fender. Can you
imagine what that would have been like? To be going 60 mph on 60 highway
and to be hit on the right fender by someone crossing two lanes without
looking, coming right at me. I hit my horn, hit my brakes and called for
"Jesus" ~ only to find paint on my front right fender.
~~~
Parents are in there 80's, kids are in there late
20's early 30's, career is behind me and much of life has happened.
Through effort, planning, spending and striving the first half of life
has whisked away. Presently, there are struggles with life issues as
usual, but I want to write a letter. I want to share my wishes if ever I
am not able to communicate or as I age, my rights to choose (as dementia sets
in) may keep my voice silent.
[This is for all those without a voice dealing with
life in an aging body and a mind that struggles with the simplest things.]
Dear Family, Friends and Church,
I, Cynthia Kaye (Hanman) Shannon, being of sound mind would like to make known my wishes.
As I age and my ability to communicate diminishes,
know this:
I beg you to continue to treat me as you would if I
were looking in your eyes, speaking as I usually do and behaving as I usually
behave.
You see, I am noticing that people disappear
into Nursing Home stares when 'caregivers' can't see the
'person' anymore. As people age, there's a decrease in respecting who
they are--they become 'unseen'.
How you treat me while in this state is a
reflection of who you truly are ... inside ... If I have lost my short-term
memory and ask you over and over the same things--your ability to see and
continue to respect me is directly attributed to the core of who you are, and
where your truth is found.
How you deal with family about my care reflects
your emotional maturity and self control. Remember -- Hurt people hurt people -- I was always told that -- and it's true.
I am a Christian, and if you are as well,
remember;
The Beatitudes
3 “God blesses those who are poor and
realize their need for him,for
the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
4 God blesses those who mourn,
for
they will be comforted.
5 God blesses those who are humble,
for
they will inherit the whole earth.
6 God blesses those who hunger and thirst
for justice,for
they will be satisfied.
7 God blesses those who are merciful,
for
they will be shown mercy.
8 God blesses those whose hearts are
pure,
for they
will see God.
9 God blesses those who work for peace,
for
they will be called the children of God.
My surroundings are important to me -- keep them
constant, unchanging -- and my faith/church family are my lifeline.
Please keep me in a familiar environment, with my things around me, especially
my Bible. Make it easy for me ... not hard, I won't ask for much,
because I may feel 'less than', not a contributing member to society anymore
and 'a burden' to you. (Or at least that's what I will be fighting in my
thought life.)
Make me feel worthy, wanted and loved no matter
what my body/mind may be presenting. Remember me as I have been all these
years past and offer me grace. If I ask a strange request, maybe you
could just do it? Maybe we just changed the sheets on my bed and I've
forgotten--see it as an opportunity to spend more time with me watching as I
make it 'just right' and share tidbits of how to make a bed, or how my Mom did
it. This is your blessing ... these moments are precious ... these bring
'worth' and joy to me.
I know you are busy.
I know you are raising a family and working.
I did those things too.
This 'care thing' is a HUGE deal, I get it.
But know this, I am doing my very best to manage all these issues I'm
facing and really really don't want to burden you, and I see you ~
your effort and care for me ~ my spirit can tell your intent and I am thankful.
~~~~
Talk about death ... spoiler warning
It's Okay to 'unplug' me (sing hymns and pray me
into heaven please), but please don't cremate this vessel The Lord has given
me. Where you bury me does not matter to me--I would like to be next to
my husband and near family for your convenience, but I am gone and what/where
you lay my body is for those left behind. For this reason understand that
'visiting' my gravesite is all about you ... do not create any thoughts or
feelings of guilt from me if you don't visit the gravesite. Do so in
remembrance of me ... but if you talk to me at that spot, know you are praying
and I am in heaven rejoicing in a new body awaiting you--praying you will be
joining me. (By the way -- I'll be with my first grandson, Ren--we will be
playing and hugging ALOT.)
The things I have accumulated will be important for
my children Ian and Amanda to have...namely the antiques that have been passed
down to me from my mother and father's families. The
silver reindeer is Carrie's (she will know). These things will be
of no use for my husband if I go first, they are just things to him.
Protect me from being taken advantage of --
I see this so much as people age and they no longer
place as much value on money and things, but they trust very easily,
they especially trust those who visit often and 'help' them with the immediate
needs and fill those lonely hours.
Beware of those with greedy intent.
~~~
Help me to continue to have adult conversations or
at least be with others and to go outdoors -- Oh, and shopping, maybe a movie, take me with you don't be ashamed of me or afraid to allow me to join you in life events.
So many times because of my frailness I can't go and do, I get that, but
try every once in a while.
Don't just plop me in front of a TV, with the
volume up loud --- YIKES!!
Read the Bible to me or even let me listen to
podcasts or Christian radio.
Thank you for loving the most difficult ... we are
called to love the unlovable you know.
Matthew 5
46 If you love only those who love
you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that
much. 47 If you are kind only to your
friends,[s] how
are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. 48 But you
are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.
Blessings,
Cindy
