Red Broom

Ever wonder what it's like to bring your mother-in-law home to live with you?  How to prepare? What to expect? What about if she has Alzheimer's?

One thing I have learned about having another person in your home is how much you take for granted being with your spouse, alone, in your home. And the ability to 'just go' when you need or want to go.  Both of these things are no longer possible (if you have someone who needs 24 hour supervision as ours does).

Your marriage will be stressed and stretched.  Here's a simple example.

Items will go missing, such as my red broom.  Sounds silly doesn't it?  I have kept my 'inside' broom ~ which happens to be red ~ in the laundry room for as long as I can remember.  This is the broom I use only on the inside of the house.  We have several brooms we use for outdoors (porches, barn, etc.).  

It's missing.

When I begin looking for my broom, I see my mother-in-law sweeping with it outside.  I explain that is my 'inside' broom and I would prefer her to use one of our many outside brooms (showing her one of the outside brooms).  Problem solved ... I think.

A person with Alzheimer's disease no longer can remember simple things, especially if it's a most recent instruction or event.  It's very sad, and creates a new level of communicating and living with someone with Alzheimer's disease.  

You can scold them, be angry with them or give them important instructions only to find it will not be remembered and corrected (at no fault of theirs).  

[This took me a while to figure out.]  

So as I'm sure you have guessed, a few days go by and I go to the laundry room to get my 'indoor' red broom and it's missing again.  I look outside and my husband is taking it from his mother, giving her the 'indoor' broom instruction again and storming into the house with my broom.  

Can you see the relational dynamics here?  Husband, son, mother, wife, Alzheimer's?  Needless to say, we now have several red brooms. :-)

- Adjustment Suggestions - 

[things I tried to help me with this situation]

Self care is a must.  

Create a space where you can go and close the door and lay down where there is absolute solitude and silence. 

Continue to stay connected with your friends and church family no matter how difficult.  Invite them to come to your house for dinner since eating out is no longer possible.  Take turns attending church services leaving one person home with your loved one.  

Include your loved one in as many social interactions as possible, do not 'send them to their room'.  If they choose to go to their room, that is different.  (Sometimes it's confusing for them when there are many people in one area talking.)

Schedule some treats for yourself and place them on your calendar.

Do not feel guilty when you move things out of sight just to manage your home and to be able to find things when you need them.  This disease creates the need for the person to 'put things away', and if you ask them, [you're catching on now] they don't remember.

Finances are strained and stretched.  A part-time job at the beginning might be just the thing to get you by until all the paperwork goes through for medicaid and medicare (which is a whole different story--Yikes, is that a mess).

Families are stressed and stretched.  The disease is taking away their loved one, you are caring for their loved one and the time in between their visits brings deterioration in their loved one [normal and natural]- for which, if you're not careful - you feel responsible -- again--guilt, no matter the excellent care you have provided.  

Frequent and transparent communication with family is a must, and it protects you.

Health of your spouse. I had to keep reminding myself my primary responsibility is to my husband, and our marriage.  Sometimes he can't see clearly because he's so involved with all that goes into taking care of his mother.  Depression in caregivers is an obvious outcome as struggles continue, finding appropriate care while balancing family, work and finances.

Another deadly outcropping I would warn you about is the sedentary nature of caregiving.  Before you realize it, to keep your loved one safe, especially when the weather is bad, you will find yourself in a very sedentary life, ignoring your daily responsibilities in your home and your life.

Remember this is a season, it is NOT permanent and it is as HUGE blessing for your loved one.  

Caring for elderly family members is not as common now as it was 80 years ago, and believe me, when I say the road to keeping a loved one at home is not easy, but it's very rewarding.

"If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies how very different our ideals of beauty would be."

From Barefoot Whispers 

Dryer Balls

It's a sunny day here at the farm and we are getting into the rhythm of doing life together ~ the three of us. (My husband, his Mother and I).  The time has come and gone where it seemed like she was a visitor and now we are settling in as a permanent members of family living in our home.

Guardianship is a complicated thing - especially if you are dealing with two different states, (More details on that later.) but we are in the process of filing all the paperwork.

It's very obvious now that we are living a kind of Ground Hog Day movie life.  

Sameness is important - routine is important - but I'm learning a conversation isn't really a conversation.  Because you don't realize how much you rely on memory.

You see, with dementia, they create stories. Generic grouping of words 'to cover' for their loss of memory and to fit in.  She has about four she repeats depending on the situation.  There isn't really any lasting exchange of information because whatever you share is gone in 15 minutes.  I can't imagine how that must feel for her.

I have to remind myself that it's not her fault, she really can't be held accountable because as she says she will do this or that - at that moment she meant it. Then I wait a few minutes and expect her to do what she said she would do and ...

Wandering has begun. A quiet Sunday nap with my husband ... Not happening.

Areas of your home are no longer private, nor are your possessions.  She may be looking for something and not realize.

So now we enter the locking of doors season.

These are stages of aging we all may deal with. 

A few tips ~ Maintaining her integrity and communicating our love and acceptance is so important, along with reassuring her often to help with the unrealistic fear of being in the way.

Habit is huge ... Seems to be the go-to ... She obviously has an expertise in washing dishes, and folding clothes.  So every time she gets clothes from the dryer to fold, she is puzzled by my dryer balls (I do not use dryer sheets).  Every time we finish dinner she takes the dishes to the sink and scrapes the remains from them, then rinses, then sits them on the counter by the dishwasher.

These kinds of small daily chores will help as they contribute to the household.

One last observation, act like it's the first time - when she asks you the same thing she has asked you many times before.  If it's upsetting to you, turn away or change the subject.  Don't get angry with her and say 'I've told you that a thousand times!' All she can process is how that makes her feel and your disappointment or frustration with her. 

We are so blessed to be going on this journey.  I pray this blog will encourage and help others.

Broken Teacup ~ Expanded Heart

I was serving tea and cake to house guests and as I chose my special tea cup  I knew (choose a different tea cup!).

On one of my trips to visit my daughter in California we shopped a high-end teacup store.  I love the beauty and delicate nature of teacups, along with how the tea tastes when you drink from the thin china rim.  These cups were priced in the hundreds ~ but we looked and I found one I really liked.

For my birthday, I was surprised with a teacup just like the one we saw in that shop and a delightful card from my daughter.  These sit in the window sill of my kitchen as a reminder of that day and how she took the time to find that cup.  

Now that you know the behind the scenes story you will understand my most pressing event ~ that teacup was dropped and shattered on our kitchen floor.  I had that feeling when I reached to use it, but ignored the passing thought.  After all, what's a tea cup for if you don't use it?

I have read many articles and blogs, studied side effects of drugs for the aging and exercises for balance in preparation for our family member moving in.  There are some areas of change I am finding myself unprepared and somewhat unwilling.  My space and where 'things' are and how I 'do' cooking, cleaning, laundry ... All have been challenged in this new life adventure.  What was 'mine' is no more.

When you have someone in your home to visit it's very different than having someone live with you.  As I've shared, we have a family member living with us now and my husband was just granted guardianship for her.

I will take you with me on this new journey. It is my prayer you will find inspiration, information and honest facts about this process.