Guest writing

Here is my writing posted today... Crazy how it is posted on the same day my school chose to give the retiring teachers a send-off....read the post and see the humor of it!

www.blogsbychristianwomen.blogspot.com/2014/04/addicted-to-control

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http://blogsbychristianwomen.blogspot.com

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We interrupt this blog ... Well, it happened, I did not follow the instruction of my trainer and went to get in the saddle without proper ground work and Nitro decided to take a step forward just as I was in mid-air, swinging my right leg over his back.

You have to understand, LeAnn taught me to always be prepared for this and there was that moment...you know the moment when the still small voice speaks to you?  Well, as I struggled to get my left foot in the stirup (lack of stretching), I heard it....I reached up to draw up the reins which was a BIG DEAL in training, and the voice said 'don't do it, something's not right'.  Instead of listening, I went ahead and tried to mount Nitro.

As he took a step forward, I pulled back on the reins and He did NOT like that.  So, he 'made sure' I did not make it on his back.  I plummeted to the ground  meeting the arena soil with first my lower left back and then....whiplash-like my neck, then head.  

My husband was maybe 150 yards away saddling Rocky and all I could do was lay there trying to yell for help.  I guess the air was knocked out of me, but when I turned to my side I could make a sound.  I kept thinking, oh no....where is Nitro....there I lay helpless.

My husband came to my rescue, secured Nitro; helped me up and I had that surge of energy where I was not sure whether or not I was injured.  I decided to just keep vertical the rest of the day.  I did my best to ignore the pain, took some ibuprofen and went to bed.

The exciting part of this event in my life happened when I woke to my alarm for work, made myself get up; walked into the kitchen and then felt very strange.  I said to myself 'Oh, no...this is not good' so I took a seat at our island and the next thing I know I am laying on the floor of the kitchen near our stairs in a puddle of blood and with a tooth fragment in my mouth.

Now, I have been sharing that on my life journey I am dealing with giving up control; retirement, aging, and children.  So, you guessed it...I did not want to go to the emergency room, so we waited until my doctors office opened, went there for stitches (thinking that's all that is wrong; but NO), they sent us to urgent care, then they sent us to the ER.

Complete lack of control now overwhelms me ... for the first time, I cry in the waiting room of ER.  I do not want to be here.  I was handed a gown, they took blood, CT scans, IV.... you name it, they did it.  My cut over my eyebrow had to have 9 stitches to close it and my poor husband has shot his day where he had planned to move cattle.

I wish I could share that my husband and I were glorious through this ordeal, but I can't.  A friend of mine once told me that "When you are stressed, you regress" and boy was that true.  Fear crept in and we were not the model married couple going through this event. I remembered from the book I'm reading "A long Obedience in the Same Direction" by Eugene Peterson where he shares that "we think that if we don't feel something there can be no authenticity in doing it. But the wisdom of God says something different:  

that we can act ourselves into a new way of feeling much quicker than we can feel ourselves into a new way of acting."

As The Word shares event after event where the disciples were in prison and they chose to set their mind on Jesus, they praised Him through it all.  This is how to change a feeling ~ not chase another 'feel good' event.

As of today, I am recovering from my fall, approaching a week of retirement/end-of-year events and praising God for my health and healing.  As for Nitro; and getting back on him .... I remember after I had my first child and someone asked "so when are you going to have another baby" .... that's kinda how this situation sets with me.  Gonna give it time; probably call LeAnn :-)

Perseverance~A Lost Trait?

LESSON 13--Upset = Get Busy

Throughout my lessons with LeAnn, I often wondered "When am I going to get to actually ride Nitro?"  It seemed like baby steps and to be frank, FOREVER, in learning the groundwork part of horsemanship.  I will talk more about this later (Lesson 17), but LeAnn was being very cautious with me in teaching me how to stay safe.  She would say "New day, New horse", and I didn't understand what she meant until this day when Nitro became upset, and I was on his back.

LeAnn was with me on another horse (Pi--who, by the way was not behaving) and when we were headed away from the other horses and the barn, well....lets just say things weren't going so well.  My brain went back to my experience with my husband when Nitro was approached by Captain (who was allowed to just hang out with us as he road Rocky and I road Nitro for the first time.)  Captain is a young guy and he is more a pet then anything and when we came to the open field....it was play time!!!

So, I did my best to hold Nitro; pulled back on the reins, raised my voice, became very frightened.  Captain came running up next to us and kicked in the air, then snorted and took off into the open field.  It was as if he said to Nitro "Let's go buddy!!" "Come on!!"

As you might guess, my picture of a nice horseback ride with my husband to start my summer off after a difficult time in my life, was not matching reality at this point.

I said in a not-so-nice voice to my husband "make him stop!"  He said "you need to control your horse".  You see, I was not happy that he allowed Captain to come along, I suggested that he stay back, but my husband didn't see that there would be a problem.  Now, since this was HIS idea, in my mind, HE should fix it!

I got off of Nitro, and walked home.

I was SO angry, I was crying, yelling, stomping and by the time I got home I was beside myself.  

Rewind back to the beginning of this post, this is where my brain went....oh, no...Nitro is acting exactly the same way as that day in June!!

One major difference--I had LeAnn, and I had done my groundwork--I had tools in my toolbox.  I felt confident and LeAnn said "Cindy, sit heavy in your saddle and do what Nitro knows how to do.  Get him busy."  So instead of it being about me, it became about Nitro.  I said "Whoa, back; then side step, then figure 8...."  By the time we were finished, we were facing away from the other horses and the barn and we just took a break.  I did not get into a rein fight with him, make him 'hold in' his energy...I let him spend his energy, but I was in charge.

It was the most empowering moment....to face a fear, and overcome it.....to use what I had learned and to accomplish the task at hand. 

From the book A Long Obedience in the Same Direction By Eugene H. Peterson, Page 22 "They are not monuments, but footprints.  A monument only says, 'At least I got this far," while a footprint says, "This is where I was when I moved again.'" By William Faulkner.  

That event could have been my monument, just as retirement or parenthood or even the death of a loved one; but I chose to make this event a footprint.

Friedrich Nietzsche (my son-in-law's favorite philosopher) wrote, "The essential thing 'in heaven and earth' is . . . that there should be long obedience in the same direction; there thereby results, and has always resulted in the long run, something which has made life worth living."  

What I am wondering is if as we journey through this life, if we busy ourselves SO much, that starting and finishing, working through difficult times, getting busy this 'persevering attribute' has been lost.

Perseverance defined ~steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.  OR The quality that allows someone to continue trying to do something even though it is difficult.

 DO WE HAVE TOO MUCH? ARE WE TOO BUSY?

At least, I know I can say 'Yes' to these questions; how about you?

James 1:2-4  Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

I feel most complete when I am running, listening to praise music ... outside ... alone with God.  There are very few distractions and on our farm, all of God's gifts become so apparent to me.  I lift my hands in praise, singing praises to Him and I am thankful.

Our pond, my Saturday morning 'praise' run.

Hold Your Position

LESSON 12--Hold your position

Today I went out to move Nitro to another field.  My husband was with me, and all the horses but one (Willow) were in the arena.  As my husband took one horse at a time from the arena to the large field, the horses became excited.  They pranced around, snorted, kicked and when it became time for another horse to 'step up' they just ran.  I really wanted Nitro to get to go to the large field, so I encouraged him to 'step up' -- this is the statement my husband has always used with his horses....they know what it means.  Since it was becoming uncontrollable, he said--go in and get your horse.  I entered the arena and only had a lead rope in my hand, but I felt confident in my relationship with Nitro.

LeAnn taught me to encourage all the other horses to run past me, but to maneuver my body where Nitro did not get by me.  She taught me to do what ever it took to stand my ground.  Usually, I have my long whip, lead rope and halter when I catch Nitro.

Attempt one....Nitro is looking at me, then snorts; looks at the herd, then runs past me with the herd.  I go to the other end of the arena with them, pushing Nitro to the corner; allowing others to continue by me.  Nitro sees me move with his every move, holding my position and he turns; ears forward to me and stops.  I immediately stop my feet from moving, and stand still.  LeAnn taught me to do as I am asking him to do.  Then as he is snorting to smell danger I talk softly and sweetly to him (like ole' times).  "Good boy Nitro, *cluck cluck*, that's a good boy Nitro"....thinking chocolate and strawberries.  He stands still.  I take a couple of steps back and he moves with me.  That's the signal to step to him as long as he is still.  I stepped to him talking the entire time.  The minute he looks away or moves away, I stop and do whatever it takes to get his attention, then step back.  It's a dance of sorts.  Pressure, release....  Finally, after two attempts, I approach, put the lead rope around his neck and off we go.

What I have learned about this concept is that as a mom, when our children are young, we pretty much control the environment and we are 'heard'.  As our children grow, I notice that we have a choice as women, as mothers of these growing people who do not hear us anymore.  We can either raise the stakes and become 'bigger' in our home where we repeat, get loud, or change our behavior.  We can identify what we do have control over and use those things to 'pay back' those who do not listen...for example, the car, the meals, allowance, the way we do the laundry...you get the picture.  My challenge to you is to inspect the intent of your heart ... I didn't do such a great job here as a busy mom ...I puffed myself up.  What I now know, is as we become bigger, a humble heart is no where the be found.  Pride shows up and there's no finding God when we are puffed up and prideful.  So, we go into this darkness of arguing and struggling for control.  Our home may become loud, our husband probably 'runs for cover' and our spiritual walk is a big fat zero.

The concept of humility with women when we are trying to be helpful and be heard as our children get older has a huge affect on us in terms of how we communicate.  We my choose -- flexing our muscle, wherever that is in our home and in our children's life, where we have that sense of control. That's the struggle to regain that control, look at that honestly in terms of the intent of your heart -- it is about seeking worthiness ... we are shouting "I count, I'm of value here".

I listen to James McDonald in the mornings on Bott Radio and he said that we can't be in God's presence any other way then in a humble place.

Being in that humble place is being in Christ not in yourself.  

I am wondering how much of our day and our behavior (because we are 'behavior' creatures) and behavior creates habit, we are humble.  If over the progression of life, as we raise our children from baby to toddler,  to teen, we get comfortable in that position of control.  That's where we go when we are managing our home and that element of humility gets 'unpracticed'.  Then we become more and more puffed up in our daily walk.  Then the season of life when our kids leave really messes us up.

Another early morning Bott Radio program I listen to is J Vernon McGee. He talked about the concept of the hardening of a heart and how God does not cause this.  He was teaching from Isaiah and the light shining into the darkness.  His illustration was how when he went into his barn as a young man with a light at night, the rats would run away from the light and the birds would remain and sing.  He went on to tell about some miners who became trapped in a mine after an explosion and when they were saved, one man asked when they were going to turn on the lights.  This revealed his loss of sight due to the explosion.

My point with this writing is "Am I doing what I'm asking others to do?" or am I 'behaving' merely to gain control and get back that feeling of worthiness.

Who am I when the light is shined on me? And am I holding my position, to draw them in closer; or am I 'behaving' .... driving my home into chaos and my family away from me?

Nitro is in the field now... can  you see him?