As I look back at my life, I've really NOT taken the time to be a wife. Yes, I was a wife and mom ... but I was busy. Busy taking care of what was next. Just staying a week ahead.
I have thought about this and am a bit sad for what I rushed through, the times I had the kids and really didn't enjoy it; I just 'managed' it ALL THE TIME.
Lately we were attending a girls high school basketball playoff game and there were several people there I recognized from earlier days. It made me recall how rushed I was with my kids at functions like this, constant attention to their behavior and needs; very little being still in the moment and enjoying.
I'm not having a pity party, I'm just saying this was how it was and I did the very best I could with the information and resources I had.
Now, to being a wife ... the Bible describes this relationship between husband and wife .... it is to mirror Jesus' relationship with the church.
Ephesians 5:25 'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.'
So what does that look like, and what does that mean? How do we do this?
From the book 'Help Meet' by Debi Pearl,
"The emphasis is not on women submitting to men, but rather on women showing, here on earth, the heavenly pattern of the Son submitting to the Father."The concept of submission, obedience and reverence have been difficult for me in the arena of marriage. It has always seemed like it took something away from my person-hood, my giftings as a person, a 'lowering' of my expectations for myself. I have always thought a woman could do anything a man could do, and my life has reflected that. I have left marriages with the thought, 'I don't want my children to grow up seeing a woman, their mom, being treated [what I thought was] unfairly and without equal status in the home.' I pretty much did what I thought right and good and if my husband thought differently, too bad for him.
Now, knowing that my role as a wife typifies the Church's relationship to Christ ~ this changes everything. If I am behaving to change my husband, or to bring him to repentance ... that is not my role.
TOTAL CHANGE OF THINKING
I am called to [or better known as I was created to];
Obedience--doing what you know the other person wants you to do.
Submission--my heart giving over to the other person's will.
Reverence--which is more than just doing what a man expects or demands it is an act of the woman's will to treat him with a high degree of regard and awe. (Did you get that ... an act of a woman's will--help me Lord.)
These are new to me. I have time now to demonstrate these characteristics in my marriage, thank you Lord.
This perception I have had of 'authority' over my man, has been wrong. So much of what I was doing to 'survive'--most of the time usurping my husbands authority in the home--always brought me to that dark, sad place. Could it be because I was working against my nature, like; I was not made to endure the things I took on? Those were things my husband was to take on, not me -- times when I could stop my thoughts from going ~there~!!
*sigh*
I am to meet his needs, show him respect and support him. He has been designed to lead and he is the one who will have to answer to God about how he does that. I will answer to how I treated my man ... out of reverence to God.
Now if you know me, you know I am not a 'mousy' woman. I am not saying that is what we are called to be. I am saying that I need to take a close look at what my 40,000 thoughts (yes ladies, that's how many...) in a day move me to do ~ do they move me to behave with respect, honor & love, or resentment?
Listen to what Debi Pearl writes about this;
"In our own strength, we women tend to have minds like old LP records that are scratched. We take our husband's faults and replay them in our thoughts over and over again, 'he's insensitive...he's insensitive...he's insensitive...he's insensitive ...' We get worked up over the smallest offense until our agitation sours into bitterness. He will forget to feed the dog three days in a row. We will look at the empty dog bowl and attribute all kinds of evil motives to him.
*This was a true revealing of my thought process, when I read that last line*
He will leave us waiting in the car for and extra ten minutes, and we convince ourselves that his lack of consideration is just the tip of the cold iceburg of his heart. Since we are 'Christian' ladies, and the kids are watching, we don't rant and rave; we just give him the stone-cold, silent treatment. He must know how much he hurts us, and the best way to retaliate is to hurt him back by depriving him of what he wants most--respect, honor, and love. We know that this will get his attention, and he will eventually have to come humbly asking what is wrong."Sound familiar?
She continues by describing the difference 'between a good marriage and a lousy one is not found in good husbands and good wives versus bad husbands and bad wives, for all marriages are made up of two sinners with lots of faults.
A good marriage is good because one or both of them have learned to overlook the other's faults, to love the other as he or she is and to not attempt to change the other or bring him or her to repentance.'
I know I have a very very long way to go ... but my brain is processing differently, just by knowing what I've shared with you. I can now 'see' my husband, I can move from that instant feeling of hurt by something he has said or done [or not done] to empathy in that very instant. It's very freeing when it happens -- can't tell you it has happened very often yet -- but I wonder ... have we missed the mark ladies?
Have we taken on what wasn't EVER meant for us to take on?
I know I had to do more than I was designed to do in my life out of sheer survival, and unfortunately, I was good at it. It's time to 'unload' and redirect my person-hood ... to wife.
Praise God for this new opportunity to show His love through my behavior in my marriage.
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