A missing piece

This post is about where to go with new information.  What has shaped your life in terms of your thinking and what has motivated you thus far in life.  This is not to say that there are only a few isolated life events that completely shape a person (well for some, this might be true), but it is worth discussing an "Ah Ha" moment in life when you discover it.

This is such a moment.

In the Beth Moore study "Children of the Day" she teaches that if you are to be a healthy child of God you must have crucial elements in your life to have been 'Parented' properly.  She continues to explain that 'parenting' is not just from your earthly human parents.  She is speaking from the idea of being 'parented' by our Father in heaven and to allow yourself to BE 'PARENTED'.

Ask yourself "what has not been actively engaged in your life"?

I am filling in the blanks of the study guide as every good student does when they are in a class setting 'studying' and it hits me like a brick when she says "If you are missing a piece you are missing peace."

MISSING PIECE = MISSING PEACE

Beth asks:

Are you a performance-oriented person where God is impossible to please?
OR
Are you a person who is blessed no matter ... it is impossible to displease God?

Through this lesson I am thinking to myself "You've covered all of this, you have discussed; released; addressed; cried over all these issues of your life and you have gotten over them."  Then the word NURTURED is to be written on one of the blanks.

To be nurtured by God is to welcome him and to know that I am His child ... His baby girl.  At this point I feel a numbness come over me ... hmmm, I've felt this before.  I emotionally withdraw and protect; almost like I feel myself physically distancing myself from the others in the room.

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I have noticed since my retirement that when you 'work' you can remain 'numb' in your job.  I could go behind my desk and teach, stay busy, do my work, interact only when I really needed or wanted to, stay in my classroom and pretty much control my day.

Since my retirement, I am finding I am relating to people differently.  I am not shutting down and moving quickly through conversations.  I do not have that 'work' excuse anymore to NOT invest.  I am much more vulnerable here.

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Am I Affectionately Desired--another blank filled in--am I wanted (not just tolerated)?

Do I know this in my heart of hearts? And the answer; the honest answer is 'NO'.  The reason the answer is no is that I can look at my behaviors and emotions over the years (even most recent) and see that I still struggle and behave with these missing pieces.

As I have processed this, life hits me when I least expect it.  Something many would see as an ordinary event ...  the car is driving a bit different and it has more miles on it then I have ever had on a car my entire life.  This is an area of my life that I have managed out of fear; reliable transportation.  I do not ever want to be stranded, helpless along the highway alone.  So when this happened on our way back from Branson, my mind was solving the issue.  The next morning, after a sleepless night, while my husband was gone, I made an appointment with a car rental business and car service department.  When my husband came home I shared this with him and he immediately scratched all my plans.  He had a different plan.

I melted into the sofa ... crying ...

You see I do not trust anyone but ME to take care of ME.  I have to KNOW in order to not become anxious.

As I tried to explain myself to my husband it became clear to me I have tons to work on in my walk with God and as a wife ... duh, go figure huh

From a very young age, I learned to take care of myself AND my little brother.  My level of trust in terms of true, heart to heart, human trust has never been very high.  I have pretty much always been able to do for myself ... so there you see the NURTURING piece; now for the AFFECTIONATELY DESIRED piece.

I'm not sure, but I'm thinking I'm not the only woman with this piece missing or incomplete.  As the third girl when the family plan was 2 girls, 2 boys and followed closely by my brother's birth I have struggled with this 'piece' most of my life.  I am not blaming anyone, in fact; I think it has made me stronger and more capable to endure the hardships in life.  So I am thankful for this.

What I am saying is that as a woman looking back and offering insight into that unconscious way of thinking about life, I have learned that these kind of life experiences create perceptions and motivations that may not be based on a healthy way of viewing things.

So, relying on myself has worked and many times I'm about three days ahead thinking and planning when my husband hasn't even considered what I've already solved.  What a deal!!!

If marriage is to find true,  soul-deep companionship, I've got to give it up!!  As Gary Thomas shares in Sacred Marriage "When we love well, we please God." I have to learn to better understand my husband and trust.  Gary continues by sharing "I had to learn to better understand Lisa (his wife)  before I could truly respect her, and I had to respect her before I could fully love her."

1 John 4:16-18  'And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in Them.  This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement:  In this world we are like Jesus.  There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.'