In Which World is Your Life Centered?

What does it mean to be persistent in marriage and will that develop my faith?

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

~~~

While my husband was hunting with his brothers I was the farmhand 'tending' to the animals.  (I put quotes around the word 'tending' because my husband was wonderful about not overloading me with chores while he was gone.)  He is the farmer, not me!

While I had this gift of time alone with The Lord, I was wanting an answer to the question (Gary Thomas asks in Sacred Marriage)

"Around which world is your life centered?"

 "Your marriage will ultimately reveal the answer to that question"

Hmmm, my marriage .... 

~~~


As a Christian, we believe in heaven, and that is where we will spend eternity.

Romans 2:7-8 "To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life.  But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger."

You see, I am a woman who has the unfortunate perspective about relationships created by failed marriages.  I struggle with feelings of insecurity and have to work diligently on the embedded concept that conflict leads to breakup, and breakup leads to excessive pain.

In marriage, there is going to be "the time of testing" and when Gary Thomas was researching 'What causes us to give up on our marriages?'  He found that 

"We thought marriage would be easy; when it gets hard, we bail out."

(My perspective) = Avoid conflict ~ Avoid pain

So is the answer to the question that my marriage shows that I am 'uncomfortable' in conflict, therefore I avoid conflict; and as a result, I forfeit the opportunity for spiritual growth that God could reveal to me if I persisted in my relational conflict? (All you grammar friends, that was probably a run-on sentence ... sorry)

Hmmm

~~~

Living a very comfortable life means you can't think of anything that you want and couldn't get.   This would describe my life.  

'We can get lulled to sleep, thinking that life should be easy or that it will always be easy.  Once it gets a little difficult, we tend to become consumed with trying to make our lives comfortable again.  But by doing so we miss a great spiritual opportunity.' Gary Thomas

Our challenge in marriage is to ask ourselves when times get tough, "How do I keep loving this person in the face of this challenge?"

WHAT??  How do I keep loving this person IN CONFLICT??

You can guess it, of all the possible areas of challenges, a relational challenge is at the very bottom of my 'desired' challenges list.  

Emotional stability is my goal.  

But according the Dr. Thomas 

"If I'm in my marriage for emotional stability, it probably won't last long."

Ouch ...

According to Otto Piper "People dislike the fact that the blessings of God may only be found and enjoyed when they are persistently sought.  

AND

Marriage is, therefore, both a gift and a task to be accomplished."

So here is where -- in marriage -- I must persist.
~~~

One more thought about troubled times in marriage.  Gary Thomas reminds us that 

"while few of us would (or even should) have the courage to willingly choose sorrow, when we find ourselves in it, if we quieted our souls down--if we learned to float in it rather than thrash about like a drowning emotional victim--we might find that it can be used to set us free."

This is -- in my opinion -- what Jennifer Rothschild meant in her blog this week when she discussed accepting an unwanted gift.  It's about our attitude, our perception during this time of trouble.  The goal should be finding contentment in having all our needs met, or none of our needs met (trouble or no trouble).  Remaining true to our faith in our lowest of low places.  (I'm thinking of Job in the Bible) Opening our hand to receive what He chooses to give in that moment.  Just as Jesus did when he prayed to take this cup from me, but Your will be done.

And this is where the HARD WORK happens.  Where the rubber meets the road.  The DOING part of marriage.

So what is the answer to the question in your marriage? In which world is your life centered? 

Eternity or 
Self

Keeping The Main Thing, The Main Thing this Christmas

What is it about Christmas that brings so many hidden emotions to the surface?  Family issues ...

How do you handle your thought process through this time?

How do you balance your heights of happiness when the kids come home then the ultimate low when they leave?

How do you reconcile your life choices that affected your children and your time with them?

I am reflecting on these questions as this season comes to a close.  I am remaining mindful of where I allow my thoughts to take me.  

Many times in situations that have all the marks of heightened emotions, if I'm not careful, I listen and assess and assign meaning to what is said in ways that are not accurate (they are not accurate because I have Jesus).

For example; I live on a farm in rural Missouri, USA and my children are grown.  When they came for a visit yesterday, I listened to their conversations about life goals, places to see, things to do and people they have visited who have an 'ideal' set up.  An 'ideal' set up is a home near the beach, a garden, perfect weather and an easy bike ride to a job that you enjoy.

Well I live far from any of those things, in fact; my life looks rather boring to them ... because to 'stay' here would be 'awful' ... as in 'no way would I want to stay for a few days and help on the farm', says one adult child.  

There are many opportunities to become bitter as this visit with me was very short compared to their family members in the city.  

For example; I receive photos of my child with other family members where they are participating in MANY family activities, like decorating the Christmas tree, shopping, playing games, attending concerts ... 
and it stings...
but I am thankful...
such a mix of emotion.

Yesterday's visit was, in other words, an obligatory visit.(This is actually a sort of pay-back from what I fought in my 20-somethings; like when my parents and in-laws wanted 'more time' with me at Christmas and I didn't make that happen.)

Now, I must say this is not true for both of my children, I had a sweet; long visit by one of my children for which I am blessed.

I am not trying to speak badly of my 20-something child, all of us have been there, where 'going home' was boring; but it is difficult to separate myself from the situation and the words.  I contemplate my life choices ...

But then~

I remember ~ 2Peter1:3-11 ~ where I am growing in knowing Him and in doing this I also know I am given everything I need ... Praise God!!

² May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.

Growing in Faith

³ By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. ⁴ And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.

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"escape the world's corruption caused by human desires"

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⁵ In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge,⁶ and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, ⁷ and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.

⁸ The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹ But those who fail to develop in this way are shortsighted or blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their old sins.

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"the more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be"

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¹⁰ So, dear brothers and sisters,^[c] work hard to prove that you really are among those God has called and chosen. Do these things, and you will never fall away. ¹¹ Then God will give you a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

These are the behaviors I must demonstrate to respond to God's promises;

moral excellence 

knowledge with self-control 

patient endurance 

godliness with brotherly affection and love

Not; covetousness, jealousy, envy, loneliness, shame

May our behavior display these essential characteristics this Christmas so we 

'will never fall away and God will give us a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!!!'

Wise Wife or Right Wife

This post will be shocking to many women as I attempt to convey the extraordinary change in my perspective as 'wife'.

First, I am reading the book "Help Meet" by Debi Pearl and find the concepts most interesting about our men and being a wife. She talks about how God did not make Adam and Eve at the same time.   

"He created Adam, gave him an occupation, appointed him as ruler of the planet, endowed him with a spiritual outlook, gave him commands, and specified his occupational duties."

Second, the essential perspective of understanding your man and accepting that your marriage to this man is God designed.  

In my past, I would go about my day, as I worked outside the home, raised the children and 'managed' the household, with the idea that my husband was a grown man and he could 'figure out' whatever he needed on his own.  After all, he is just one person ~ and surely he could handle one person.  With this mind-set, any and all that he did or didn't do that caused me 'extra' effort I viewed with an attitude I will now try to describe. (And, just so we are clear, I'm not proud of this ugliness.) I would come home from work, have a plan for dinner and enter the house to find trails of clothes, food, dirt and grime.  When I saw this, my thought was something like ... "he didn't even consider putting this away ~ slam as I put it away ~ or, throwing this in the trash ~ two steps and into the trash it went".  You can run this out in all kinds of directions and see how this ended in arguments, divorces and a less than happy home. 

Sound familiar?

You see, I did not realize what my design was as wife.  And I was constantly frustrated.

Debi Pearl helps me with a new perspective in this situation; She is her husband's helper; not his conscience.

"God stands with you when you stand by your man, but you will stand alone if you insist on standing by your rights."

Now that I have the luxury of having this valuable thing called 'time' I can see these things differently.  I can study my man and see he isn't even thinking of me when he does those things (or should I say when he doesn't do those things) . 

I was sure he was thinking and planning as I was, so therefore this was an intentional act.  

Sometimes now, I hear the same words that in the past would send me to spear him with a retaliatory response, but now I hear him differently.  If he chooses to say hurtful things in response to something, now I can allow that to go right over the top of me and into the ears of Jesus.  Because, ultimately, he (my husband) will be responsible for how he behaves toward his wife (me) and how he leads his home.  It is my responsibility to honor and respect him, not correct and badger him.

So here's how that looks;  I'm helping with a small remodel job one day and he asks me to hand him a light bulb.  He is on the ladder and I find a box of  bulbs and hand it to him.  He jerks out one bulb and throws the box down abruptly to the ground.  You see, he's responding to my mistake of not taking the bulb out of the container and handing only the bulb to him.  I see his harsh response and I choose to save a discussion about his response for a later, I physically move away from the area.  

(Now you know in the past, that would have been fuel for a heated discussion, right?  An opportunity to tell him how wrong his behavior was, right?) 

When we are driving home, I ask about the light bulb.  He says he felt how that wasn't a 'right' response when he did it and then he begins to defend himself by saying "I didn't ask for the box, I asked for one bulb".  I said, "right, I was wrong to hand you the box and not just one bulb, but my question is what is it about that situation that makes it okay to act the way you did toward me as a response?"  He thought and said, 'I don't know why; it's just the way I've responded to similar situations in the past.'

Huge Moment ~~~

(I remain silent for a moment, and then change the subject.)

Now I have been praying for him and what that bit of behavior is about for him.  Like where did it come from and why does he think he has the right to choose that behavior?  There are several areas like this that perplex me about my husband ~ but my point is, 

I see him as someone who has been hurt and who struggles to maintain appropriate responses.  I don't take my thoughts to that place where I used to ... that place where there was condemnation and accusation.  That place where there was a kind of keeping score and with each incident the score got higher and higher.  God has opened my heart to this man.  He has helped me see him differently and my role as his wife differently.

I'm not sure this made much sense to you if you read it; but it's a peaceful place ~ this place I'm describing.  I'm thankful, and my heart is not hurt as often.  I can allow what would hurt me in terms of words or messes to not sink into my heart and soul.  

It's as if God has his hands extended out and says to me "Here Cindy, hand that over to me ~ it's not yours to deal with ... you are to love him."

So I do ....

Mercy

Ugly Beautiful ~ I sit today in my office chair knowing that many whom I love are in crisis today.

Broken hearts

Uncertain futures

Illnesses that require months of treatment

The inabilities of aging 

This notion, that with mercy there is no judgment.  
To be in an intimate relationship, we must be vulnerable;  
And, as a human, we are sinners and we are going to see 'the ugly'.

This is why Gary Thomas says "my attitude toward another's sin will determine, in large part, the degree of intimacy we can achieve ... A Pharisee might impress ... but he'll never get truly close ... 

Because judgment repels intimacy as surely as heat melts ice."

Oh, help me Lord ...

There is a reason you came into this world as a vulnerable baby.

Because, in my flesh, I want to judge, I want to pay-back when a loved one is hurt ...

~~~~

When we suffer, when we watch our children suffer--as a mom--I know I join David in lamenting "O Lord, why do you stand so far off?  Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" (Psalm 10:1)
And
"How long, O Lord?  Will  you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:1-2)

Ann talks about this in her book 1000 Gifts, she says as she was sitting in the waiting room with her son (who had an injury), she was asking God why.  Why all these hurts?

The answer she shares in her book;

"He takes the empty hands and draws me close to the thrum of Love.  'You may suffer loss but in Me is anything ever lost, really? Isn't everything that belongs to Christ also yours?  Loved ones lost still belong to Him--then aren't they still yours?  Do I not own the cattle on a thousand hills; everything?  Aren't then all provisions, in Christ also yours?  If you haven't lost Christ, child, nothing is ever lost.  Remember  through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of For (Acts 14:22) and in  sharing in my Son's sufferings  becoming like him in his death you come to know Christ and the power of his resurrection. (Phil 3:10).

 If you haven't lost Christ, child, nothing is ever lost.


From Ellie Holcomb "As Sure As the Sun"https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VuGmcCK7T_c
(I pray you will listen to this song)

She was at the Gift of Christmas Event in Tulsa last week with Ann Voskamp and Amena Brown, we were blessed to be able to receive from them the message of the gift of Christmas from the front row!!

(That's Ann Voskamp!! Talking to us after the event!)

Gary Thomas  reminds me that we are imperfect, and very fallible, prone-to-mess-up sinned saved by mercy.  Our sin and guilt are so powerful that, absent mercy, every human relationship will fall ...  

"You can self-righteously judge every person who has ever lived.  You can prove his or her guilt in a court of law.  You can compellingly state your case and clearly demonstrate how far they have fallen short--but the judgment you render will kill the intimacy and it won't kill the sin."

From James 2:13--"Judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful.  Mercy triumphs over judgment!"

Lord help me to be the person who loves mercy and grow eager to show mercy to others.  Help me to forgive like God is eager to forgive.

Blended Families and the Holidays

It is amazing to me the level of stress experienced the minute Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations, advertisements and plans begin.  It is not supposed to be like this, I know, but when you have a blended family all things 'normal' become 'abnormal'.

This post is to offer some insight for those experiencing the stress of the 'abnormal' holiday season.

I am including a letter I wrote to myself one January after a meltdown over the holidays.

The Holidays ... Divorce Style

Since my divorce almost 20 years ago, holidays haunted me.  These were dates on a calendar where the imperfectness of my life and the consequences of my choices were amplified, framed and blown out of proportion.

It was as if the battle was on!

From the minute my siblings called with the date and time of the family event being held at their house, to the arranging and rearranging to validate my "family" within that event, I physically tightened.  My mind raced with "how to arrange this to meet everyone's needs" (to be perfect ... because I don't want to look like my choices have had any consequence, especially on my children).

After reading the books 1000 Gifts, Captivating, and The Grace Disguised, I realized that God has had me on a redemptive journey this entire time.  Loss (which is what the book The Grace Disguised is about) ... yes divorce is loss ... we have 'lost relationships we never have had but wanted.'  We have had to change our direction in life.  

"Most of us want life not only to be under our control but also to be fair.  So when we suffer loss, we claim our right to justice and resent circumstances that get in the way.  In a fair world ..."

"for grace is grace only when it is undeserved".

Here's my real-life example ~ 2013 Christmas

So this is Christmas ... I was going to have my children December 23 (don't you love how 'having your children' becomes a common phrase once divorced) ... this became completely messed up ... texts, time changes, date changes, STRESS ~ because you see now, arrangements are including  extra people as ex-spouces have remarried, extended families become very extended.  These are the things that people who have never been divorced don't understand, I know I didn't.  It's ugly on the other side; what you think is alleviating pain for you (divorce), crops up in other, more extreme areas when it comes to your children. 

With all the conflict I was all knotted up ... then the message from pastor about Advent.  

Advent is about waiting and not missing it. 

In John 10:30 Jesus was in Jeruselum for the last time a year before his death his final attempt at saving people and He said to them "I and the Father are one"  

He was right there??? God??? The miracles??? And they missed it??? 

I am reading Ann Voskamp as she discusses how to experience joy -- she says first; slow down, humble yourself, take notice of the now, I Am ..."  It all came together for me in this moment ...

I SURRENDER!!!  Stop the holiday fight for ownership.  Me, the decor and the gifts do not matter ... it's about time, being present ... 'POOF' relief, like never before.  

It all made sense; Knowing His presence and not knowing the plan brings me peace.

So I wrote a poem. (at least an attempt at one)

Christmas

2013

For 20 plus years

I have fretted

To prove my worth

At Christmas Time

I have staked out claims

Held on hard and fast

To stuff and things; dates and times

Which brought nothing but stress

To have lost relationships

We never have had but wanted

For life to be fair after the loss

To claim control and justice

As God revealed through my pain

The fight was always without

I aways was left with the crumbs

Never enough time, never enough

I surrendered on this day

I conceded the fight this way

Heard it on movies and in songs

It's not the gifts, or how we get along

It's the time we share with one another

It's the adoring of 'the gift'

Knowing His presence, 

Not knowing the plan

~~~~

Fast forward to the holidays 2014, stay with me now--I know this is long, but the most revealing part is yet to come.  I am flying home from a trip to LA with my children and I see God's plan for me more clearly in terms of marriage and wife and mom.  Yes, I am still mom, but to base my sole existence as such, is a 'set up'. That time is over.  It is my time now to pray and seek for my children.

So it was all you Lord ... I see that now, prior, it was covetousness.  I am to be quiet--to 'not know'.

Covetousness is inflating the pleasure, causing us to lose perspective on what IS REAL.

I was focused on what was not real.  The root of it is we are rejecting God's ability to provide.

Another element that has helped me is the concept of slowing down.  Ann Voskamp and Gary Thomas discuss this in their books 1000 Gifts and Authentic Faith.  Ann says "We slow down and we pay attention to the present, speaking what we are thankful about -- and God is there."  
Gary Thomas reminds me that 

"God moves by millennia not minute and by generations not seasons"

So without the willingness to wait, we will be frustrated by God because He will not be rushed.  Waiting can debilitate us unless 'it is marked by hope in God.' Isaiah 40:30 "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength...".

What does this look like?  

The spirit of waiting ~ Combines; Contentment, Gentleness and Humility

It is my prayer, you surrender all the 'stuff' that you are doing to try to be worthy this Christmas.  Join me in being present and thankful in the now of Christ.

Blessings