First, I am reading the book "Help Meet" by Debi Pearl and find the concepts most interesting about our men and being a wife. She talks about how God did not make Adam and Eve at the same time.
"He created Adam, gave him an occupation, appointed him as ruler of the planet, endowed him with a spiritual outlook, gave him commands, and specified his occupational duties."
Second, the essential perspective of understanding your man and accepting that your marriage to this man is God designed.
In my past, I would go about my day, as I worked outside the home, raised the children and 'managed' the household, with the idea that my husband was a grown man and he could 'figure out' whatever he needed on his own. After all, he is just one person ~ and surely he could handle one person. With this mind-set, any and all that he did or didn't do that caused me 'extra' effort I viewed with an attitude I will now try to describe. (And, just so we are clear, I'm not proud of this ugliness.) I would come home from work, have a plan for dinner and enter the house to find trails of clothes, food, dirt and grime. When I saw this, my thought was something like ... "he didn't even consider putting this away ~ slam as I put it away ~ or, throwing this in the trash ~ two steps and into the trash it went". You can run this out in all kinds of directions and see how this ended in arguments, divorces and a less than happy home.
Sound familiar?
You see, I did not realize what my design was as wife. And I was constantly frustrated.
Debi Pearl helps me with a new perspective in this situation; She is her husband's helper; not his conscience.
In my past, I would go about my day, as I worked outside the home, raised the children and 'managed' the household, with the idea that my husband was a grown man and he could 'figure out' whatever he needed on his own. After all, he is just one person ~ and surely he could handle one person. With this mind-set, any and all that he did or didn't do that caused me 'extra' effort I viewed with an attitude I will now try to describe. (And, just so we are clear, I'm not proud of this ugliness.) I would come home from work, have a plan for dinner and enter the house to find trails of clothes, food, dirt and grime. When I saw this, my thought was something like ... "he didn't even consider putting this away ~ slam as I put it away ~ or, throwing this in the trash ~ two steps and into the trash it went". You can run this out in all kinds of directions and see how this ended in arguments, divorces and a less than happy home.
Sound familiar?
You see, I did not realize what my design was as wife. And I was constantly frustrated.
Debi Pearl helps me with a new perspective in this situation; She is her husband's helper; not his conscience.
"God stands with you when you stand by your man, but you will stand alone if you insist on standing by your rights."
Now that I have the luxury of having this valuable thing called 'time' I can see these things differently. I can study my man and see he isn't even thinking of me when he does those things (or should I say when he doesn't do those things) .
I was sure he was thinking and planning as I was, so therefore this was an intentional act.
Sometimes now, I hear the same words that in the past would send me to spear him with a retaliatory response, but now I hear him differently. If he chooses to say hurtful things in response to something, now I can allow that to go right over the top of me and into the ears of Jesus. Because, ultimately, he (my husband) will be responsible for how he behaves toward his wife (me) and how he leads his home. It is my responsibility to honor and respect him, not correct and badger him.
I was sure he was thinking and planning as I was, so therefore this was an intentional act.
Sometimes now, I hear the same words that in the past would send me to spear him with a retaliatory response, but now I hear him differently. If he chooses to say hurtful things in response to something, now I can allow that to go right over the top of me and into the ears of Jesus. Because, ultimately, he (my husband) will be responsible for how he behaves toward his wife (me) and how he leads his home. It is my responsibility to honor and respect him, not correct and badger him.
So here's how that looks; I'm helping with a small remodel job one day and he asks me to hand him a light bulb. He is on the ladder and I find a box of bulbs and hand it to him. He jerks out one bulb and throws the box down abruptly to the ground. You see, he's responding to my mistake of not taking the bulb out of the container and handing only the bulb to him. I see his harsh response and I choose to save a discussion about his response for a later, I physically move away from the area.
(Now you know in the past, that would have been fuel for a heated discussion, right? An opportunity to tell him how wrong his behavior was, right?)
When we are driving home, I ask about the light bulb. He says he felt how that wasn't a 'right' response when he did it and then he begins to defend himself by saying "I didn't ask for the box, I asked for one bulb". I said, "right, I was wrong to hand you the box and not just one bulb, but my question is what is it about that situation that makes it okay to act the way you did toward me as a response?" He thought and said, 'I don't know why; it's just the way I've responded to similar situations in the past.'
(Now you know in the past, that would have been fuel for a heated discussion, right? An opportunity to tell him how wrong his behavior was, right?)
When we are driving home, I ask about the light bulb. He says he felt how that wasn't a 'right' response when he did it and then he begins to defend himself by saying "I didn't ask for the box, I asked for one bulb". I said, "right, I was wrong to hand you the box and not just one bulb, but my question is what is it about that situation that makes it okay to act the way you did toward me as a response?" He thought and said, 'I don't know why; it's just the way I've responded to similar situations in the past.'
Huge Moment ~~~
(I remain silent for a moment, and then change the subject.)
(I remain silent for a moment, and then change the subject.)
Now I have been praying for him and what that bit of behavior is about for him. Like where did it come from and why does he think he has the right to choose that behavior? There are several areas like this that perplex me about my husband ~ but my point is,
I see him as someone who has been hurt and who struggles to maintain appropriate responses. I don't take my thoughts to that place where I used to ... that place where there was condemnation and accusation. That place where there was a kind of keeping score and with each incident the score got higher and higher. God has opened my heart to this man. He has helped me see him differently and my role as his wife differently.
I see him as someone who has been hurt and who struggles to maintain appropriate responses. I don't take my thoughts to that place where I used to ... that place where there was condemnation and accusation. That place where there was a kind of keeping score and with each incident the score got higher and higher. God has opened my heart to this man. He has helped me see him differently and my role as his wife differently.
I'm not sure this made much sense to you if you read it; but it's a peaceful place ~ this place I'm describing. I'm thankful, and my heart is not hurt as often. I can allow what would hurt me in terms of words or messes to not sink into my heart and soul.
It's as if God has his hands extended out and says to me "Here Cindy, hand that over to me ~ it's not yours to deal with ... you are to love him."
It's as if God has his hands extended out and says to me "Here Cindy, hand that over to me ~ it's not yours to deal with ... you are to love him."
So I do ....
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