Deliverance or Being Transformed in My Thinking

In reading Exodus, I have discovered a new layer of understanding the statement 'why does God allow this?' 'Why do bad things happen to good people?'  And it took a fall for me to see it.  A different experience of powerlessness from the ground looking up at Nitro; a new 'filter' from which to view life.  I wouldn't recommend this view, but that is what I'm going to share in the post.

A Life Event--you know, those things people post on Facebook, those perfect life events.  I look at them and as I read the comments ... I track my thinking.  I actually transfer what I am reading to my comparing place in my mind and here is where we have to be careful, because this is the place where what is going on in other people's lives match our picture, but what is going on in our life does not.  Then, the next place this takes my thinking is placing my value or worth as the sum or the end product of this.  Being mindful of my thoughts and where they take me is something I am learning. 

You try it, think about what you are thinking about....

I am learning that sometimes God doesn't answer my prayers when I pray to take this trial from me. What I should be praying is to reinforce my shoes I'm wearing to gear me up to walk through the trial.  Also, it seems that things really do get worse before they get better.  Moses doubted and God had to build Moses up and prepare him before He could use him.  That is what has been going on with me.  I have been wanting to remain where I was comfortable (my anxiety about retiring).  God is working on my stubbornness and fear.

LESSON 15--Legs mean GO, Reins mean STOP

I'm sure this will surprise you, but I began my horse lessons using both.  Legs and reins at the same time because, you guessed it, I wanted to control it ALL.  Squeeze your legs, or just one leg to send a message to your horse to move in that direction, pull on the reins and communicate stop, turn, or go backwards. There is a time when you use both, when you want to communicate to your horse to stop trying to take control.  Nitro's way of rebelling was to lengthen his head and jerk up his nose (become NOT ROUND) to say "I'm not going to do what you want, I want these reins."  So, LeAnn taught me in these situations to squeeze with my legs AND pull back on the reins at the same time to create a more rounded body in Nitro.  A rounded body in a horse is an obedient horse.  I will talk about this later, it is called hollow bit vs. rounded body.

As I ride Nitro I would find that he would revert back to old behaviors.  If we were not going in the direction he wanted to go, he would lengthen his head and neck again and I would remind him that I am in charge not him.  I would interrupt his thinking.

Old behaviors follow what is commonly called "stinking thinking" in people.  Sad feelings follow many of my old behaviors, and thus you see I need to be delivered from this kind of cycle.  We are discussing our thought life in Sunday School and I had an opportunity to apply this.

This week my family is gone on a trip, my two adult children are on this trip and I am not able to go.  As they sent me a picture of them being reunited (Christmas was the last time they saw each other), I had a 'bad feeling' which followed my 'bad thinking'.
See if you follow with me;
I text to a friend that the kids are together ... sent the pic to her and her reply was 'Awwww saweet!!'
My reply was "working hard at capturing my thoughts ...  not allowing old feelings creep in."
Her response was "Be happy for the two of them ... that they like each other and they are healthy... etc. etc."
I started thinking about my thinking here and said; "Do you think my deal is I want to be 'in on it?';
you know, if I was being honest as a parent who 'raised them', wanting to get a bit of what they are about -- their 'stuff' to take credit for it?"

"To bring significance to time and effort I invested in them?"  

"Almost a sense of entitlement to who they are and how they turned out"... "Like

'Way to go Cindy, all that paid off'"

She texted back "Some good processing there".  I texted "Creepy how when you follow your thinking how it's most the time pointing back to your own selfish needs."  I wonder if 'empty nesters blues' are marinated in that thinking?  No wonder depression follows...Add to that all that goes with retirement and if you're not healthy, spiritually grounded in your thinking...YIKES!

My question to you is Where are you headed? Are you being bounced around by thoughts and the behaviors and feelings that follow?  Feeling out of control?  No peace?

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.




Drilling Deeper

Today is my birthday.  Here I am when I was 4.

I was born on Mother's Day.  I am the third girl, third child with my brother following me by a little over a year.  I am mindful of these events as they 'define' and have 'defined' me, just like all other 'pictures' you can create in your head about yourself and life and how it should or could be.  I think we anticipate particular days, I'm not saying we necessarily like or dislike them ... I'm saying as women, we prepare for, create, and 'make' days.  Some of the days would include birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, July 4th, and on and on.  If I am not careful I can cause myself more harm than good as these days come and go.  I have been working on this, or perhaps I should say God is transforming my thought life in this area.

LESSON 14--Whoa Zone, Go Zone, Go Go Zone

These are areas of a horse that - based on your location as you lunge your horse - you can manage them
I have talked about this before, and Nitro has this down.  I move toward his head he slows, toward his rear he increases speed.  My problem in learning this was to be definite in my movements and not slide all around confusing Nitro.  I would try to make big movements or I would pull hard on the rope.  None of that was necessary, but you see .... in my head, more Cindy is needed, because more is ALWAYS better!!

As I enter these times in my life attempting to manage these life events or 'defining' days, I find myself moving in and out of Whoa Zones and Go Zones with people I interact with.

I manage people.  

If I manage people and events I can imagine that I am managing the event, therefore; I do not have to fear what might happen outside of my control.  Okay, I know all of this sounds crazy, but I bet most women do this.  You  plan ~ to create ~ to control ~ to be rewarded  ~ so that you planned  ~ and created.  Ultimately, honestly, what is behind this?  Is it fear?

I must say this week it was revealed to me that is it fear.

Fear of failure...okay, so I fail; then what?

Fear of .... disapproval .... so???

Fear of being just me? and they leave?  Like if I can't perform at an excellent level, look good, make this event happen, manage people .... who am I, what is my worth?  Then it's just me .... who would stay if it's just me?  What is the value in that?

Sin, I sin .... don't know about you ... but I know I make mistakes, and in relationships with people, it's going to be hard to remain in relationships without finding this out.  From the book A Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas he explains "Because we married a sinner, we're going to see some ugly, ugly things.  That's why our attitude toward another's sin will determine in large part, the degree of intimacy we can achieve in marriage ..... judgement repels intimacy... "  Ouch!!

This is all being driven home for to me as I read on as Mr. Thomas reveals that

People who love mercy feel eager to show mercy to others.  

"It is a believer eager to forgive, whose first thought leaps toward reconciliation rather than revenge.  Mercy isn't an obligation grudgingly given in to--it's the love of his or her life!  It's his or her favorite practice."

This kind of transforming thought seeps into my very being.  I am SO FAR from this it isn't even funny.  As the day goes by, I find my thoughts using a different filter and I can't believe how different parts of my life look.  So much of my time has been spent on 'managing' and the core of that has been about fear of being left, not being enough, being left behind ....

So there I said it....

In doing this, I have held back and tuck away to stay safe.  I have put on a mask, turned on the 'excellence attainment factor' I'm so good at. (I should make a t-shirt with this on it.)

Can I be ME without positioning ME to manage others; NO Whoa Zone, Go Zone or Go Go Zone ~Am I enough?  It's so cliche and I've read it so many times, and guess what; I'm an extrovert, a people person .... go figure.

Can I stop putting too much emphasis on things that can't sustain or nurture me?  I now know that as Mr. Thomas points out "If I stop receiving from God, I start demanding from others." And for me as I demanded from others and I did not measure up, the bar would be raised, anxiety increased and I disappeared into performance-land.

I'm not sure any of this made sense to anyone....but this is from my heart.  Thank you Lord for your saving grace, your mercy and your patience.

Happy Birthday Cindy

Do you give over your emotional security to others?

When disappointed or depleted, my lesson of giving over emotional security to others.

This past week has been a roller coaster for me emotionally and physically.  I have been taken out of my routine, forced into situations outside my comfort and I find God stretching my faith all along the way.  It's as if He is saying 'I've got you, Cindy' and life keeps bringing up those insecurities of my past as a reminder of my sin, failures and ultimate aging limitations.

In one week I have been thrown from my horse Nitro, passed out from the pain the next  day, visited ER with 9 stitches, cracked a tooth which will be repaired on my birthday, traveled with 10 high school students to a conference of 17,000 students, participated in my last graduation ceremony with my high school and am now awaiting my husbands return from knee surgery.  While all of these things are going on, I have a full-time job at school and the farm is in full spring-mode with garden, fields to fertilize, cows to move, acre yard to mow, asparagus to cut, broilers to butcher.....you get the picture......

Through it all I have experienced a mighty move of God with one of my students in my classroom where I shared with him 'Do you know Jesus?' His reply was 'NO' My reply as the Holy Spirit fell on me with tears and trembling I said 'Jesus wants you....' His reply was; 'Mrs. Shannon don't cry', my reply was 'This is not me, this is God....You are going to be a mighty man for Him.....He wants you' His reply, 'Well I know someone's protecting me, I'm a mess that's for sure....'  All this happened after a busy busy time with students in and out of my classroom checking on grades since I had been gone.  My classroom door was open, this student lingered after class; time stood still and no one entered or interupted during this time.....I know God will show up for this student and I welcome the opportunity as He asked for my contact information.  Please pray with me I am ready to share as this student inquires.

I am studying in Exodus about Moses (I am always amazed how everything fits) and how Moses is questioning God about his ability to deliver His people.  On Bott Radio I listen to James McDonald and his message has been about insecurities and how we think others are so gifted to have such huge ministries.  The same way Moses thought.  But James makes the point that we are as gifted as God makes us.

Exodus 4: 10 But Moses said to the LORD, "Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue."

11 Then the LORD said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?

12 Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak."

13 But he said, "Oh, my Lord, please send someone else."

I thought as this student stood next to me and the spirit fell on me that same thing. My flesh was like "um Cindy, this is public school...we don't do this", then my thoughts were, "who am I to share with him"....but the spirit won out, praise God and I became small and He became large in that moment.  I have no other way to describe it.

From A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene H. Paterson there is a section on 'Help' where he shares how difficult it really is to love.  "Every day I put love on the line.  There is nothing I am less good at than love.  I am far better in competition than in love.  I am far better at responding to my instincts and ambitions to get ahead and make my mark than I am at figuring out how to love another.  I am schooled and trained in acquisitive skills, in getting my own way.  And yet I decide, every day, to set aside what I can do and attempt what I do very clumsily--open myself up to the frustrations and failures of loving, daring to believe that failing in love is better than succeeding in pride."  

So, as you could probably imagine, following this event, trials and stress increased.  There have been less than loving situations occur that have not matched my picture, such as in ER, and returning from a six day stressful trip, to not being with family on Mother's Day.  I have had to choose my responses carefully, and some have been better than others.  I can choose to serve as if I am serving Christ, and hand over situations, actions and hurtful words to Him.  I have to consciously say to myself that my value and worth is not solely in the hands of others, but in Him.

How to 'remain in Him' or 'in The Spirit' while in the world.

I am at an International Conference with over 16000 people and I am challenging my spirit to stay 'in Him' while physically in the world.  You hear it all the time, but how do you actually do it?

What comes to mind is the effort and expense to entertain is tremendous; and while in the world the result is just what it offers and no more. So as you work toward worldly success the limit is wherever that takes you in the world. A limited, fixed, attainable end.

While in the Spirit, you attach yourself to the same power that spoke life into existence, so staying 'in Him' would mean to find that peace and understanding that is indescribable.

So you look at this picture of thousands of people ... Attached to whatever is being presented in this arena ... Then I compare that to being in relationship with God. I can't manipulate the physical circumstance of this place I am in, but I can draw on my understanding of Him wherever I am.  This brings a calm and peace in my current situation, a feeling of joy....like nothing of this temporal moment has a pull on me...I feel the stress of the loud noise, people, and the anxiety of managing this situation dissipate.  Just fixing my mind on Him, knowing He is all and He holds this moment makes it change from stressful to peaceful.

My moments with Nitro when he 'got me', ears forward, listening and being attentive seemed similar to what I have described above. It's a connection that cannot be described.  

Guest writing

Here is my writing posted today... Crazy how it is posted on the same day my school chose to give the retiring teachers a send-off....read the post and see the humor of it!

www.blogsbychristianwomen.blogspot.com/2014/04/addicted-to-control

Guest Post Publish Notice

Announcement ... I will be featured April 30th on Blogs by Christian Women ... please use the link below to access this wonderful site.

http://blogsbychristianwomen.blogspot.com

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We interrupt this blog ... Well, it happened, I did not follow the instruction of my trainer and went to get in the saddle without proper ground work and Nitro decided to take a step forward just as I was in mid-air, swinging my right leg over his back.

You have to understand, LeAnn taught me to always be prepared for this and there was that moment...you know the moment when the still small voice speaks to you?  Well, as I struggled to get my left foot in the stirup (lack of stretching), I heard it....I reached up to draw up the reins which was a BIG DEAL in training, and the voice said 'don't do it, something's not right'.  Instead of listening, I went ahead and tried to mount Nitro.

As he took a step forward, I pulled back on the reins and He did NOT like that.  So, he 'made sure' I did not make it on his back.  I plummeted to the ground  meeting the arena soil with first my lower left back and then....whiplash-like my neck, then head.  

My husband was maybe 150 yards away saddling Rocky and all I could do was lay there trying to yell for help.  I guess the air was knocked out of me, but when I turned to my side I could make a sound.  I kept thinking, oh no....where is Nitro....there I lay helpless.

My husband came to my rescue, secured Nitro; helped me up and I had that surge of energy where I was not sure whether or not I was injured.  I decided to just keep vertical the rest of the day.  I did my best to ignore the pain, took some ibuprofen and went to bed.

The exciting part of this event in my life happened when I woke to my alarm for work, made myself get up; walked into the kitchen and then felt very strange.  I said to myself 'Oh, no...this is not good' so I took a seat at our island and the next thing I know I am laying on the floor of the kitchen near our stairs in a puddle of blood and with a tooth fragment in my mouth.

Now, I have been sharing that on my life journey I am dealing with giving up control; retirement, aging, and children.  So, you guessed it...I did not want to go to the emergency room, so we waited until my doctors office opened, went there for stitches (thinking that's all that is wrong; but NO), they sent us to urgent care, then they sent us to the ER.

Complete lack of control now overwhelms me ... for the first time, I cry in the waiting room of ER.  I do not want to be here.  I was handed a gown, they took blood, CT scans, IV.... you name it, they did it.  My cut over my eyebrow had to have 9 stitches to close it and my poor husband has shot his day where he had planned to move cattle.

I wish I could share that my husband and I were glorious through this ordeal, but I can't.  A friend of mine once told me that "When you are stressed, you regress" and boy was that true.  Fear crept in and we were not the model married couple going through this event. I remembered from the book I'm reading "A long Obedience in the Same Direction" by Eugene Peterson where he shares that "we think that if we don't feel something there can be no authenticity in doing it. But the wisdom of God says something different:  

that we can act ourselves into a new way of feeling much quicker than we can feel ourselves into a new way of acting."

As The Word shares event after event where the disciples were in prison and they chose to set their mind on Jesus, they praised Him through it all.  This is how to change a feeling ~ not chase another 'feel good' event.

As of today, I am recovering from my fall, approaching a week of retirement/end-of-year events and praising God for my health and healing.  As for Nitro; and getting back on him .... I remember after I had my first child and someone asked "so when are you going to have another baby" .... that's kinda how this situation sets with me.  Gonna give it time; probably call LeAnn :-)

Perseverance~A Lost Trait?

LESSON 13--Upset = Get Busy

Throughout my lessons with LeAnn, I often wondered "When am I going to get to actually ride Nitro?"  It seemed like baby steps and to be frank, FOREVER, in learning the groundwork part of horsemanship.  I will talk more about this later (Lesson 17), but LeAnn was being very cautious with me in teaching me how to stay safe.  She would say "New day, New horse", and I didn't understand what she meant until this day when Nitro became upset, and I was on his back.

LeAnn was with me on another horse (Pi--who, by the way was not behaving) and when we were headed away from the other horses and the barn, well....lets just say things weren't going so well.  My brain went back to my experience with my husband when Nitro was approached by Captain (who was allowed to just hang out with us as he road Rocky and I road Nitro for the first time.)  Captain is a young guy and he is more a pet then anything and when we came to the open field....it was play time!!!

So, I did my best to hold Nitro; pulled back on the reins, raised my voice, became very frightened.  Captain came running up next to us and kicked in the air, then snorted and took off into the open field.  It was as if he said to Nitro "Let's go buddy!!" "Come on!!"

As you might guess, my picture of a nice horseback ride with my husband to start my summer off after a difficult time in my life, was not matching reality at this point.

I said in a not-so-nice voice to my husband "make him stop!"  He said "you need to control your horse".  You see, I was not happy that he allowed Captain to come along, I suggested that he stay back, but my husband didn't see that there would be a problem.  Now, since this was HIS idea, in my mind, HE should fix it!

I got off of Nitro, and walked home.

I was SO angry, I was crying, yelling, stomping and by the time I got home I was beside myself.  

Rewind back to the beginning of this post, this is where my brain went....oh, no...Nitro is acting exactly the same way as that day in June!!

One major difference--I had LeAnn, and I had done my groundwork--I had tools in my toolbox.  I felt confident and LeAnn said "Cindy, sit heavy in your saddle and do what Nitro knows how to do.  Get him busy."  So instead of it being about me, it became about Nitro.  I said "Whoa, back; then side step, then figure 8...."  By the time we were finished, we were facing away from the other horses and the barn and we just took a break.  I did not get into a rein fight with him, make him 'hold in' his energy...I let him spend his energy, but I was in charge.

It was the most empowering moment....to face a fear, and overcome it.....to use what I had learned and to accomplish the task at hand. 

From the book A Long Obedience in the Same Direction By Eugene H. Peterson, Page 22 "They are not monuments, but footprints.  A monument only says, 'At least I got this far," while a footprint says, "This is where I was when I moved again.'" By William Faulkner.  

That event could have been my monument, just as retirement or parenthood or even the death of a loved one; but I chose to make this event a footprint.

Friedrich Nietzsche (my son-in-law's favorite philosopher) wrote, "The essential thing 'in heaven and earth' is . . . that there should be long obedience in the same direction; there thereby results, and has always resulted in the long run, something which has made life worth living."  

What I am wondering is if as we journey through this life, if we busy ourselves SO much, that starting and finishing, working through difficult times, getting busy this 'persevering attribute' has been lost.

Perseverance defined ~steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.  OR The quality that allows someone to continue trying to do something even though it is difficult.

 DO WE HAVE TOO MUCH? ARE WE TOO BUSY?

At least, I know I can say 'Yes' to these questions; how about you?

James 1:2-4  Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

I feel most complete when I am running, listening to praise music ... outside ... alone with God.  There are very few distractions and on our farm, all of God's gifts become so apparent to me.  I lift my hands in praise, singing praises to Him and I am thankful.

Our pond, my Saturday morning 'praise' run.