In Which World is Your Life Centered?

What does it mean to be persistent in marriage and will that develop my faith?

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

~~~

While my husband was hunting with his brothers I was the farmhand 'tending' to the animals.  (I put quotes around the word 'tending' because my husband was wonderful about not overloading me with chores while he was gone.)  He is the farmer, not me!

While I had this gift of time alone with The Lord, I was wanting an answer to the question (Gary Thomas asks in Sacred Marriage)

"Around which world is your life centered?"

 "Your marriage will ultimately reveal the answer to that question"

Hmmm, my marriage .... 

~~~


As a Christian, we believe in heaven, and that is where we will spend eternity.

Romans 2:7-8 "To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life.  But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger."

You see, I am a woman who has the unfortunate perspective about relationships created by failed marriages.  I struggle with feelings of insecurity and have to work diligently on the embedded concept that conflict leads to breakup, and breakup leads to excessive pain.

In marriage, there is going to be "the time of testing" and when Gary Thomas was researching 'What causes us to give up on our marriages?'  He found that 

"We thought marriage would be easy; when it gets hard, we bail out."

(My perspective) = Avoid conflict ~ Avoid pain

So is the answer to the question that my marriage shows that I am 'uncomfortable' in conflict, therefore I avoid conflict; and as a result, I forfeit the opportunity for spiritual growth that God could reveal to me if I persisted in my relational conflict? (All you grammar friends, that was probably a run-on sentence ... sorry)

Hmmm

~~~

Living a very comfortable life means you can't think of anything that you want and couldn't get.   This would describe my life.  

'We can get lulled to sleep, thinking that life should be easy or that it will always be easy.  Once it gets a little difficult, we tend to become consumed with trying to make our lives comfortable again.  But by doing so we miss a great spiritual opportunity.' Gary Thomas

Our challenge in marriage is to ask ourselves when times get tough, "How do I keep loving this person in the face of this challenge?"

WHAT??  How do I keep loving this person IN CONFLICT??

You can guess it, of all the possible areas of challenges, a relational challenge is at the very bottom of my 'desired' challenges list.  

Emotional stability is my goal.  

But according the Dr. Thomas 

"If I'm in my marriage for emotional stability, it probably won't last long."

Ouch ...

According to Otto Piper "People dislike the fact that the blessings of God may only be found and enjoyed when they are persistently sought.  

AND

Marriage is, therefore, both a gift and a task to be accomplished."

So here is where -- in marriage -- I must persist.
~~~

One more thought about troubled times in marriage.  Gary Thomas reminds us that 

"while few of us would (or even should) have the courage to willingly choose sorrow, when we find ourselves in it, if we quieted our souls down--if we learned to float in it rather than thrash about like a drowning emotional victim--we might find that it can be used to set us free."

This is -- in my opinion -- what Jennifer Rothschild meant in her blog this week when she discussed accepting an unwanted gift.  It's about our attitude, our perception during this time of trouble.  The goal should be finding contentment in having all our needs met, or none of our needs met (trouble or no trouble).  Remaining true to our faith in our lowest of low places.  (I'm thinking of Job in the Bible) Opening our hand to receive what He chooses to give in that moment.  Just as Jesus did when he prayed to take this cup from me, but Your will be done.

And this is where the HARD WORK happens.  Where the rubber meets the road.  The DOING part of marriage.

So what is the answer to the question in your marriage? In which world is your life centered? 

Eternity or 
Self

Keeping The Main Thing, The Main Thing this Christmas

What is it about Christmas that brings so many hidden emotions to the surface?  Family issues ...

How do you handle your thought process through this time?

How do you balance your heights of happiness when the kids come home then the ultimate low when they leave?

How do you reconcile your life choices that affected your children and your time with them?

I am reflecting on these questions as this season comes to a close.  I am remaining mindful of where I allow my thoughts to take me.  

Many times in situations that have all the marks of heightened emotions, if I'm not careful, I listen and assess and assign meaning to what is said in ways that are not accurate (they are not accurate because I have Jesus).

For example; I live on a farm in rural Missouri, USA and my children are grown.  When they came for a visit yesterday, I listened to their conversations about life goals, places to see, things to do and people they have visited who have an 'ideal' set up.  An 'ideal' set up is a home near the beach, a garden, perfect weather and an easy bike ride to a job that you enjoy.

Well I live far from any of those things, in fact; my life looks rather boring to them ... because to 'stay' here would be 'awful' ... as in 'no way would I want to stay for a few days and help on the farm', says one adult child.  

There are many opportunities to become bitter as this visit with me was very short compared to their family members in the city.  

For example; I receive photos of my child with other family members where they are participating in MANY family activities, like decorating the Christmas tree, shopping, playing games, attending concerts ... 
and it stings...
but I am thankful...
such a mix of emotion.

Yesterday's visit was, in other words, an obligatory visit.(This is actually a sort of pay-back from what I fought in my 20-somethings; like when my parents and in-laws wanted 'more time' with me at Christmas and I didn't make that happen.)

Now, I must say this is not true for both of my children, I had a sweet; long visit by one of my children for which I am blessed.

I am not trying to speak badly of my 20-something child, all of us have been there, where 'going home' was boring; but it is difficult to separate myself from the situation and the words.  I contemplate my life choices ...

But then~

I remember ~ 2Peter1:3-11 ~ where I am growing in knowing Him and in doing this I also know I am given everything I need ... Praise God!!

² May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.

Growing in Faith

³ By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. ⁴ And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.

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"escape the world's corruption caused by human desires"

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⁵ In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge,⁶ and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, ⁷ and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.

⁸ The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹ But those who fail to develop in this way are shortsighted or blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their old sins.

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"the more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be"

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¹⁰ So, dear brothers and sisters,^[c] work hard to prove that you really are among those God has called and chosen. Do these things, and you will never fall away. ¹¹ Then God will give you a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

These are the behaviors I must demonstrate to respond to God's promises;

moral excellence 

knowledge with self-control 

patient endurance 

godliness with brotherly affection and love

Not; covetousness, jealousy, envy, loneliness, shame

May our behavior display these essential characteristics this Christmas so we 

'will never fall away and God will give us a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!!!'

Wise Wife or Right Wife

This post will be shocking to many women as I attempt to convey the extraordinary change in my perspective as 'wife'.

First, I am reading the book "Help Meet" by Debi Pearl and find the concepts most interesting about our men and being a wife. She talks about how God did not make Adam and Eve at the same time.   

"He created Adam, gave him an occupation, appointed him as ruler of the planet, endowed him with a spiritual outlook, gave him commands, and specified his occupational duties."

Second, the essential perspective of understanding your man and accepting that your marriage to this man is God designed.  

In my past, I would go about my day, as I worked outside the home, raised the children and 'managed' the household, with the idea that my husband was a grown man and he could 'figure out' whatever he needed on his own.  After all, he is just one person ~ and surely he could handle one person.  With this mind-set, any and all that he did or didn't do that caused me 'extra' effort I viewed with an attitude I will now try to describe. (And, just so we are clear, I'm not proud of this ugliness.) I would come home from work, have a plan for dinner and enter the house to find trails of clothes, food, dirt and grime.  When I saw this, my thought was something like ... "he didn't even consider putting this away ~ slam as I put it away ~ or, throwing this in the trash ~ two steps and into the trash it went".  You can run this out in all kinds of directions and see how this ended in arguments, divorces and a less than happy home. 

Sound familiar?

You see, I did not realize what my design was as wife.  And I was constantly frustrated.

Debi Pearl helps me with a new perspective in this situation; She is her husband's helper; not his conscience.

"God stands with you when you stand by your man, but you will stand alone if you insist on standing by your rights."

Now that I have the luxury of having this valuable thing called 'time' I can see these things differently.  I can study my man and see he isn't even thinking of me when he does those things (or should I say when he doesn't do those things) . 

I was sure he was thinking and planning as I was, so therefore this was an intentional act.  

Sometimes now, I hear the same words that in the past would send me to spear him with a retaliatory response, but now I hear him differently.  If he chooses to say hurtful things in response to something, now I can allow that to go right over the top of me and into the ears of Jesus.  Because, ultimately, he (my husband) will be responsible for how he behaves toward his wife (me) and how he leads his home.  It is my responsibility to honor and respect him, not correct and badger him.

So here's how that looks;  I'm helping with a small remodel job one day and he asks me to hand him a light bulb.  He is on the ladder and I find a box of  bulbs and hand it to him.  He jerks out one bulb and throws the box down abruptly to the ground.  You see, he's responding to my mistake of not taking the bulb out of the container and handing only the bulb to him.  I see his harsh response and I choose to save a discussion about his response for a later, I physically move away from the area.  

(Now you know in the past, that would have been fuel for a heated discussion, right?  An opportunity to tell him how wrong his behavior was, right?) 

When we are driving home, I ask about the light bulb.  He says he felt how that wasn't a 'right' response when he did it and then he begins to defend himself by saying "I didn't ask for the box, I asked for one bulb".  I said, "right, I was wrong to hand you the box and not just one bulb, but my question is what is it about that situation that makes it okay to act the way you did toward me as a response?"  He thought and said, 'I don't know why; it's just the way I've responded to similar situations in the past.'

Huge Moment ~~~

(I remain silent for a moment, and then change the subject.)

Now I have been praying for him and what that bit of behavior is about for him.  Like where did it come from and why does he think he has the right to choose that behavior?  There are several areas like this that perplex me about my husband ~ but my point is, 

I see him as someone who has been hurt and who struggles to maintain appropriate responses.  I don't take my thoughts to that place where I used to ... that place where there was condemnation and accusation.  That place where there was a kind of keeping score and with each incident the score got higher and higher.  God has opened my heart to this man.  He has helped me see him differently and my role as his wife differently.

I'm not sure this made much sense to you if you read it; but it's a peaceful place ~ this place I'm describing.  I'm thankful, and my heart is not hurt as often.  I can allow what would hurt me in terms of words or messes to not sink into my heart and soul.  

It's as if God has his hands extended out and says to me "Here Cindy, hand that over to me ~ it's not yours to deal with ... you are to love him."

So I do ....

Mercy

Ugly Beautiful ~ I sit today in my office chair knowing that many whom I love are in crisis today.

Broken hearts

Uncertain futures

Illnesses that require months of treatment

The inabilities of aging 

This notion, that with mercy there is no judgment.  
To be in an intimate relationship, we must be vulnerable;  
And, as a human, we are sinners and we are going to see 'the ugly'.

This is why Gary Thomas says "my attitude toward another's sin will determine, in large part, the degree of intimacy we can achieve ... A Pharisee might impress ... but he'll never get truly close ... 

Because judgment repels intimacy as surely as heat melts ice."

Oh, help me Lord ...

There is a reason you came into this world as a vulnerable baby.

Because, in my flesh, I want to judge, I want to pay-back when a loved one is hurt ...

~~~~

When we suffer, when we watch our children suffer--as a mom--I know I join David in lamenting "O Lord, why do you stand so far off?  Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" (Psalm 10:1)
And
"How long, O Lord?  Will  you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:1-2)

Ann talks about this in her book 1000 Gifts, she says as she was sitting in the waiting room with her son (who had an injury), she was asking God why.  Why all these hurts?

The answer she shares in her book;

"He takes the empty hands and draws me close to the thrum of Love.  'You may suffer loss but in Me is anything ever lost, really? Isn't everything that belongs to Christ also yours?  Loved ones lost still belong to Him--then aren't they still yours?  Do I not own the cattle on a thousand hills; everything?  Aren't then all provisions, in Christ also yours?  If you haven't lost Christ, child, nothing is ever lost.  Remember  through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of For (Acts 14:22) and in  sharing in my Son's sufferings  becoming like him in his death you come to know Christ and the power of his resurrection. (Phil 3:10).

 If you haven't lost Christ, child, nothing is ever lost.


From Ellie Holcomb "As Sure As the Sun"https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VuGmcCK7T_c
(I pray you will listen to this song)

She was at the Gift of Christmas Event in Tulsa last week with Ann Voskamp and Amena Brown, we were blessed to be able to receive from them the message of the gift of Christmas from the front row!!

(That's Ann Voskamp!! Talking to us after the event!)

Gary Thomas  reminds me that we are imperfect, and very fallible, prone-to-mess-up sinned saved by mercy.  Our sin and guilt are so powerful that, absent mercy, every human relationship will fall ...  

"You can self-righteously judge every person who has ever lived.  You can prove his or her guilt in a court of law.  You can compellingly state your case and clearly demonstrate how far they have fallen short--but the judgment you render will kill the intimacy and it won't kill the sin."

From James 2:13--"Judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful.  Mercy triumphs over judgment!"

Lord help me to be the person who loves mercy and grow eager to show mercy to others.  Help me to forgive like God is eager to forgive.

Blended Families and the Holidays

It is amazing to me the level of stress experienced the minute Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations, advertisements and plans begin.  It is not supposed to be like this, I know, but when you have a blended family all things 'normal' become 'abnormal'.

This post is to offer some insight for those experiencing the stress of the 'abnormal' holiday season.

I am including a letter I wrote to myself one January after a meltdown over the holidays.

The Holidays ... Divorce Style

Since my divorce almost 20 years ago, holidays haunted me.  These were dates on a calendar where the imperfectness of my life and the consequences of my choices were amplified, framed and blown out of proportion.

It was as if the battle was on!

From the minute my siblings called with the date and time of the family event being held at their house, to the arranging and rearranging to validate my "family" within that event, I physically tightened.  My mind raced with "how to arrange this to meet everyone's needs" (to be perfect ... because I don't want to look like my choices have had any consequence, especially on my children).

After reading the books 1000 Gifts, Captivating, and The Grace Disguised, I realized that God has had me on a redemptive journey this entire time.  Loss (which is what the book The Grace Disguised is about) ... yes divorce is loss ... we have 'lost relationships we never have had but wanted.'  We have had to change our direction in life.  

"Most of us want life not only to be under our control but also to be fair.  So when we suffer loss, we claim our right to justice and resent circumstances that get in the way.  In a fair world ..."

"for grace is grace only when it is undeserved".

Here's my real-life example ~ 2013 Christmas

So this is Christmas ... I was going to have my children December 23 (don't you love how 'having your children' becomes a common phrase once divorced) ... this became completely messed up ... texts, time changes, date changes, STRESS ~ because you see now, arrangements are including  extra people as ex-spouces have remarried, extended families become very extended.  These are the things that people who have never been divorced don't understand, I know I didn't.  It's ugly on the other side; what you think is alleviating pain for you (divorce), crops up in other, more extreme areas when it comes to your children. 

With all the conflict I was all knotted up ... then the message from pastor about Advent.  

Advent is about waiting and not missing it. 

In John 10:30 Jesus was in Jeruselum for the last time a year before his death his final attempt at saving people and He said to them "I and the Father are one"  

He was right there??? God??? The miracles??? And they missed it??? 

I am reading Ann Voskamp as she discusses how to experience joy -- she says first; slow down, humble yourself, take notice of the now, I Am ..."  It all came together for me in this moment ...

I SURRENDER!!!  Stop the holiday fight for ownership.  Me, the decor and the gifts do not matter ... it's about time, being present ... 'POOF' relief, like never before.  

It all made sense; Knowing His presence and not knowing the plan brings me peace.

So I wrote a poem. (at least an attempt at one)

Christmas

2013

For 20 plus years

I have fretted

To prove my worth

At Christmas Time

I have staked out claims

Held on hard and fast

To stuff and things; dates and times

Which brought nothing but stress

To have lost relationships

We never have had but wanted

For life to be fair after the loss

To claim control and justice

As God revealed through my pain

The fight was always without

I aways was left with the crumbs

Never enough time, never enough

I surrendered on this day

I conceded the fight this way

Heard it on movies and in songs

It's not the gifts, or how we get along

It's the time we share with one another

It's the adoring of 'the gift'

Knowing His presence, 

Not knowing the plan

~~~~

Fast forward to the holidays 2014, stay with me now--I know this is long, but the most revealing part is yet to come.  I am flying home from a trip to LA with my children and I see God's plan for me more clearly in terms of marriage and wife and mom.  Yes, I am still mom, but to base my sole existence as such, is a 'set up'. That time is over.  It is my time now to pray and seek for my children.

So it was all you Lord ... I see that now, prior, it was covetousness.  I am to be quiet--to 'not know'.

Covetousness is inflating the pleasure, causing us to lose perspective on what IS REAL.

I was focused on what was not real.  The root of it is we are rejecting God's ability to provide.

Another element that has helped me is the concept of slowing down.  Ann Voskamp and Gary Thomas discuss this in their books 1000 Gifts and Authentic Faith.  Ann says "We slow down and we pay attention to the present, speaking what we are thankful about -- and God is there."  
Gary Thomas reminds me that 

"God moves by millennia not minute and by generations not seasons"

So without the willingness to wait, we will be frustrated by God because He will not be rushed.  Waiting can debilitate us unless 'it is marked by hope in God.' Isaiah 40:30 "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength...".

What does this look like?  

The spirit of waiting ~ Combines; Contentment, Gentleness and Humility

It is my prayer, you surrender all the 'stuff' that you are doing to try to be worthy this Christmas.  Join me in being present and thankful in the now of Christ.

Blessings 

My children have grown up ...

I'm spending Thanksgiving at my daughters in LA and have discovered life is very different as a mom of adult children.

Some things I'm learning;

No longer being 'in charge'.

Becoming an observer and not the decision-maker and planner of all things.

Viewing myself as just one person I'm responsible for instead of three (with that 'mommy' umbrella open).

Being present with extra 'brain-space' now that I'm retired.

Being less 'task-oriented' and more relationship-oriented.

Looking for any opportunity to show His love and share about my life with Him.

It's a new way relating ~ may God bless this time.  I am so thankful.

The "I" in Marriage

I am reminded, yet again, how much of ME comes out in my demands of marriage.  How about you?

As I research marriage as God designed, I find out that most failed and unhappy marriages begin with the awareness that the person you are married to is NOT the person you bargained for ... or you are struck with the notion I've got "a lemon", not my soul-mate!!

As Debi Pearl from Created to be His Help Meet explains when we discover this, "Rather than bemoan your "fate," ask God for wisdom.  

Wisdom is knowing what you "bought" when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be."

So, my man is out hunting again this morning and last night ... football.  I struggle with these two activities of men and always have.  I moan and groan, feel sorry for myself and am not easy to live with during this time.  Unfortunately, it always falls during the holiday season too ... (not to mention the extra calories and less exercise) and if you think about it, this is a formula for disaster!!

Here's a current example I'm not so proud of, but you will understand; 

I'm headed to bed and look in the kitchen sink to find two salmon steaks in the sink.  I go to the basement to ask my husband about them and tell him not to forget to put them in the refrigerator before he comes to bed (or at least that's what I thought I said, but definitely not what was received by my husband during a very crucial moment in the football game).  You get the picture ...

Debi Pearl continues " If you fight your husband's inadequacies or seek to be dominant where he is not, both of you will fail.  

Both of you will FAIL
But,

If you love him and support him with his inadequacies and without taking charge, both of you will succeed and grow."

(help me Lord)

~~~~

Something happens in the communication process from a woman's brain to her mouth ... speaking ... as that message enters the air, travels to her husbands ears, enters his brain and gets processed.

It all hinges on the intent of your heart for both the sender and receiver of the message as to how it will be communicated.  Here lies a moment I like to call 'An Opportunity for Change'; (I have replaced that moment in my thinking as an opportunity from a conflict or fight or argument.)

I am preparing to leave for a few days and I am wanting my husband to think like a woman (if the truth be known).  I am wanting him to want to sit by me, hold my hand, hug me, talk to me and store up as much 'love' as possible prior to my leaving.  What does he do? He's in a deer stand hunting ...

I think the biggest mistake I make is that I think my husband should think like me.  As I read Gary Thomas from Sacred Marriage and Debi Pearl from Created to be His Help Meet I see that my role in my marriage is evolving, becoming less about ME.  As a woman who has been married before, lived as a single mom, and then in my 40's remarried I have been given such a blessing.  

As Dr. Thomas puts it 

"We are to perfect holiness out of reverence for God and become a God-centered spouse not a Spouse-centered spouse."

So I study my husband ... more ... and I find he is a combination of a Command man and a Visionary according to Debi.  Knowing that, I have been COMPLETELY wrong in my approach to my husband.  As a command-man I have to learn "to enjoy the benefits of taking the second seat, and if I do not take offense to his headstrong aggressiveness, I will be the one sitting at his right side being adored, because this kind of man will totally adore his woman and exalt her."

"She will be his closest, and sometimes his only, confidante.  When he is treated with honor and reverence, a good help meet will find that her man will be wonderfully protective and supportive."

Go figure ... (she continues) he will not enjoy small talk, and a visionary "is consumed with a need to communicate with his words or actions.  He is the "voice crying out in the wilderness, striving to change the way humanity is behaving or thinking."  

She continues to give advice 

"if you are blessed to be married to a strong, forceful, bossy man, then it is very important for you to learn how to make an appeal without challenging his authority."

Oops ...

One final thought from Dr. Thomas--It's about the idea of flitting from one relationship to another, led by infatuations ... desperate to to find happiness.  In this desperation, we leave a path of destruction and 'bury potential life partners'.  

Hmmm ...

"There is no perfect 'soul mate' either for them or for us.  There will be only sinner after sinner after sinner."  If we can learn to accept and love 'one particular sinner over several decades, you can slowly build an alliance and intimacy that nothing else can match."

Sinner, after sinner after sinner.

O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things.  Isaiah 25:1

Fairness in Marriage

Just cleaned the kitchen, I mean it sparkles ... last night I spent a couple of hours fixing dinner, doing the dishes, and cleaning the stove, countertops, sink ... you get the picture?  The very next morning, husband is in the kitchen fixing a BIG breakfast.  He's cooking sausage, eggs, hash browns and I have to exit the room.

Does this ever happen in your life?  Where does your brain go when you walk back into a mess in the kitchen after you have spent hours cleaning it?

I am re-directing my thoughts in this area (or at least trying).  Looking for what to be thankful for in this situation can be difficult.

In the book 'Created to be His Help Meet' by Debi Pearl she is helping me see my design as wife through the eyes of our creator.  In her book she describes how men think and perceive us (women), all the way down to our smile.  She says a man can see a very unattractive woman and think she's beautiful just because of her bubbly personality and smile.

As I reflect on my life, when I walk into a room that is a mess -- I'm not smiling and bubbly ... you?

Debi Pearl says "...men do not repent for the sake of an angry, critical wife.  You can hold out for repentance and most likely lose ... Your husband is going to love what is lovely to him".

So I am praying to remember this as I clean up the kitchen this morning.  What I am thankful for is how my husband did take great care to place the dirty dishes near the dishwasher and put away all food items.

Debi continues saying "Many women think their husbands are not worth the effort.  They feel they are forced to humble themselves in order to love him when HE is the guilty party... Do not be deceived ..When a woman is willing to forgive she is winning more that just his affection.  Few women know what it means to be cherished by their husbands, but if you love him through this...you will be cherished.  Being cherished is much, much more than being loved.  It will be worth all your effort."

To be cherished ... hmmm

"God stands with you when you stand by your man, but you will stand alone if you insist on standing by your rights."

Ouch!!

~~~~

My new behaviors and thought process for 'next time';
When I see something that in my carnal mind looks and feels like my husband is intentionally 'messing' up what I've just cleaned up ...

*Okay, all my friends can laugh at the fact that I'm creating a list ...

Step 1) If I feel myself correcting, and getting angry -- physically move to another room, read the Bible.

Step 2)  Once I am in a better place mentally, return and intentionally think of things about the situation that I am thankful for in my husband.

Step 3)  Smile!! When I see him next ... don't begin to accuse or criticize because I now know I cannot be pitiful enough to force him to do ...

Step 4)  Return the area to cleanliness and order, thanking God I can physically do it and that I have been blessed with the resources necessary to have a home. 

Proverbs 15:15 "All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast."

Single Mom ~ Raising My Son as a Single Mom

This blog post comes from experiences of my past and it is my prayer that it reveals 'mis-steps' in parenting as a single mom.

Me with our ponies ... not sure how old I am

My son was three when his father and I divorced.  I remarried, as did his father and after my second failed marriage I was single for five years ~ my son was eight to twelve years old during this time.

A bit of background information is needed to give you a picture of where I was in my life at this time.  I was all about the liberal agenda and 'I am woman, hear me roar' kind of thinking, and my son was in an environment where myself and his sister were his main-stays on most days.

I do not share this for any 'pity factor' AT ALL, I share this to uncover what mom's need who are possibly seeking help with their sons as they leave childhood to become a man.

As a single mom who had been described as 'strong', I can now say I was covering up some hurt in my past in this being strong persona.  The 'absent father syndrome' and the 'God Hole' made up my motivating mind-set in trying to fix those two elements in my life (of which I had NO idea).

So, in visiting with a '30-something' friend and listening to her describe her seven-year-old son and her husband's role in his life, I came to the realization that there may be a simple sharing that might help more moms.

You see, because some of us had that absent dad, we most likely use that as a driving force in our lives and thus producing a mighty successful woman ~  because we have something to prove you see.  

We are worthy, we are capable and we did ON OUR OWN and as the song goes WE DID IT MY WAY.  

What I now know this is a set up for disaster if you take it too far.  Because a man has to pass on to his son how to be a man.  I couldn't do that for my son. If I try to protect him from those times when he might get hurt wrestling with a man or I baby him too much; he will have more of a feminine demeanor.

Believe me!!

By being the way we are 'I am woman hear me roar', we take away that masculine place in the home.  We have to be mindful of this if we are married, because if we are over the top in our feminine'ness' it splashes over our husbands' maleness.  As the head of the household, your son needs to see that, instead of your womanly power that may over-ride your husband.

It's a hard thing to balance -- I'm not saying women who are bright, successful, persistent and talented are developing a terrible thing, what I am saying is as a result of doing that, you are setting up your son for many of areas of concern.  As they grow up they have not had that maleness modeled for them.

I remarried when my son was 13 and there were so many gaps for him in developing his maleness.  I married a 'manly man' that is the head of our household -- no doubting that.  To this day my son has shared many times, that if it weren't for this marriage "I would have been very feminine".

~~~

One more area I wanted to share is about the concept of giving.  I heard Gary Thomas share different areas of personalities a single person should be aware of prior to marriage.  One of those is marrying a 'taker'.  As I processed that, a radio program discussed the topic of giving and how God gave his son.  I thought, if that would have been me, I would have never been able to give my son.

The idea of giving and giving and giving and how in my head that's too much to ask ... you know, when you get to the end of yourself and all you've done is give ... well, a new way to think about that has appeared in this 54 year old brain.  Even if I am around what would be considered takers, the idea of becoming a giver; means I am becoming more and more like Christ.

So it shouldn't be like a burden, how I was perceiving it before; gotta do this for them, gotta do that for them; when will I get back 'kind of thing' ... It should be a pleasure, and honor for me to be the giver.

God, help us remain in your design ... your beautiful design of husband and wife, father and son ... to create the family unit that is the foundation to your creation ... and God, help me become a giver like you.  Amen

Beauty before the freeze

We have had a beautiful fall, in fact I have said that the sky is bluer than I've ever remembered in my entire life now that I am retired.  

It was quite a 'honeymoon' period these last few months starting on this retirement journey.  All of the silly celebrations that marked the calendar where I used to be swept away to work and now do not have to go ~~ feeling free.  Now that the newness has worn off, a few ugly, shriveled plants from 'the freeze' have appeared.

I knew that we were going to get a hard freeze, so I picked what was left in the garden and made a bouquet.  This bouquet is made from okra and herbs.  The blooms lasted just a day, then fell off.

~~~

From Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage; God hates dissension and treasures unity (Psalm 133:1--A song of ascents. Of David. How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity!)

“It is easy to get along with people if you never get close to them."

The idea that we can avoid people does not work in marriage.  Your husband and you live together every day.  You are going to disagree and you are unquestionably obligated to maintain intimacy with him.  

When we face unrealized expectations, disappoint each other, or even maliciously wound each other, will we allow dissension—which God hates—to predominate, or will we do the necessary relational work to press ahead to unity?

Dissension is a major prayer killer.

The institution of marriage is designed to force us to become reconcilers. (This is the only way we’ll survive spiritually.)

Please join with me and pray for our marriages, learn with me how to reconcile; prepare for the change in weather.