Blended Families and the Holidays

It is amazing to me the level of stress experienced the minute Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations, advertisements and plans begin.  It is not supposed to be like this, I know, but when you have a blended family all things 'normal' become 'abnormal'.

This post is to offer some insight for those experiencing the stress of the 'abnormal' holiday season.

I am including a letter I wrote to myself one January after a meltdown over the holidays.

The Holidays ... Divorce Style

Since my divorce almost 20 years ago, holidays haunted me.  These were dates on a calendar where the imperfectness of my life and the consequences of my choices were amplified, framed and blown out of proportion.

It was as if the battle was on!

From the minute my siblings called with the date and time of the family event being held at their house, to the arranging and rearranging to validate my "family" within that event, I physically tightened.  My mind raced with "how to arrange this to meet everyone's needs" (to be perfect ... because I don't want to look like my choices have had any consequence, especially on my children).

After reading the books 1000 Gifts, Captivating, and The Grace Disguised, I realized that God has had me on a redemptive journey this entire time.  Loss (which is what the book The Grace Disguised is about) ... yes divorce is loss ... we have 'lost relationships we never have had but wanted.'  We have had to change our direction in life.  

"Most of us want life not only to be under our control but also to be fair.  So when we suffer loss, we claim our right to justice and resent circumstances that get in the way.  In a fair world ..."

"for grace is grace only when it is undeserved".

Here's my real-life example ~ 2013 Christmas

So this is Christmas ... I was going to have my children December 23 (don't you love how 'having your children' becomes a common phrase once divorced) ... this became completely messed up ... texts, time changes, date changes, STRESS ~ because you see now, arrangements are including  extra people as ex-spouces have remarried, extended families become very extended.  These are the things that people who have never been divorced don't understand, I know I didn't.  It's ugly on the other side; what you think is alleviating pain for you (divorce), crops up in other, more extreme areas when it comes to your children. 

With all the conflict I was all knotted up ... then the message from pastor about Advent.  

Advent is about waiting and not missing it. 

In John 10:30 Jesus was in Jeruselum for the last time a year before his death his final attempt at saving people and He said to them "I and the Father are one"  

He was right there??? God??? The miracles??? And they missed it??? 

I am reading Ann Voskamp as she discusses how to experience joy -- she says first; slow down, humble yourself, take notice of the now, I Am ..."  It all came together for me in this moment ...

I SURRENDER!!!  Stop the holiday fight for ownership.  Me, the decor and the gifts do not matter ... it's about time, being present ... 'POOF' relief, like never before.  

It all made sense; Knowing His presence and not knowing the plan brings me peace.

So I wrote a poem. (at least an attempt at one)

Christmas

2013

For 20 plus years

I have fretted

To prove my worth

At Christmas Time

I have staked out claims

Held on hard and fast

To stuff and things; dates and times

Which brought nothing but stress

To have lost relationships

We never have had but wanted

For life to be fair after the loss

To claim control and justice

As God revealed through my pain

The fight was always without

I aways was left with the crumbs

Never enough time, never enough

I surrendered on this day

I conceded the fight this way

Heard it on movies and in songs

It's not the gifts, or how we get along

It's the time we share with one another

It's the adoring of 'the gift'

Knowing His presence, 

Not knowing the plan

~~~~

Fast forward to the holidays 2014, stay with me now--I know this is long, but the most revealing part is yet to come.  I am flying home from a trip to LA with my children and I see God's plan for me more clearly in terms of marriage and wife and mom.  Yes, I am still mom, but to base my sole existence as such, is a 'set up'. That time is over.  It is my time now to pray and seek for my children.

So it was all you Lord ... I see that now, prior, it was covetousness.  I am to be quiet--to 'not know'.

Covetousness is inflating the pleasure, causing us to lose perspective on what IS REAL.

I was focused on what was not real.  The root of it is we are rejecting God's ability to provide.

Another element that has helped me is the concept of slowing down.  Ann Voskamp and Gary Thomas discuss this in their books 1000 Gifts and Authentic Faith.  Ann says "We slow down and we pay attention to the present, speaking what we are thankful about -- and God is there."  
Gary Thomas reminds me that 

"God moves by millennia not minute and by generations not seasons"

So without the willingness to wait, we will be frustrated by God because He will not be rushed.  Waiting can debilitate us unless 'it is marked by hope in God.' Isaiah 40:30 "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength...".

What does this look like?  

The spirit of waiting ~ Combines; Contentment, Gentleness and Humility

It is my prayer, you surrender all the 'stuff' that you are doing to try to be worthy this Christmas.  Join me in being present and thankful in the now of Christ.

Blessings 

My children have grown up ...

I'm spending Thanksgiving at my daughters in LA and have discovered life is very different as a mom of adult children.

Some things I'm learning;

No longer being 'in charge'.

Becoming an observer and not the decision-maker and planner of all things.

Viewing myself as just one person I'm responsible for instead of three (with that 'mommy' umbrella open).

Being present with extra 'brain-space' now that I'm retired.

Being less 'task-oriented' and more relationship-oriented.

Looking for any opportunity to show His love and share about my life with Him.

It's a new way relating ~ may God bless this time.  I am so thankful.

The "I" in Marriage

I am reminded, yet again, how much of ME comes out in my demands of marriage.  How about you?

As I research marriage as God designed, I find out that most failed and unhappy marriages begin with the awareness that the person you are married to is NOT the person you bargained for ... or you are struck with the notion I've got "a lemon", not my soul-mate!!

As Debi Pearl from Created to be His Help Meet explains when we discover this, "Rather than bemoan your "fate," ask God for wisdom.  

Wisdom is knowing what you "bought" when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be."

So, my man is out hunting again this morning and last night ... football.  I struggle with these two activities of men and always have.  I moan and groan, feel sorry for myself and am not easy to live with during this time.  Unfortunately, it always falls during the holiday season too ... (not to mention the extra calories and less exercise) and if you think about it, this is a formula for disaster!!

Here's a current example I'm not so proud of, but you will understand; 

I'm headed to bed and look in the kitchen sink to find two salmon steaks in the sink.  I go to the basement to ask my husband about them and tell him not to forget to put them in the refrigerator before he comes to bed (or at least that's what I thought I said, but definitely not what was received by my husband during a very crucial moment in the football game).  You get the picture ...

Debi Pearl continues " If you fight your husband's inadequacies or seek to be dominant where he is not, both of you will fail.  

Both of you will FAIL
But,

If you love him and support him with his inadequacies and without taking charge, both of you will succeed and grow."

(help me Lord)

~~~~

Something happens in the communication process from a woman's brain to her mouth ... speaking ... as that message enters the air, travels to her husbands ears, enters his brain and gets processed.

It all hinges on the intent of your heart for both the sender and receiver of the message as to how it will be communicated.  Here lies a moment I like to call 'An Opportunity for Change'; (I have replaced that moment in my thinking as an opportunity from a conflict or fight or argument.)

I am preparing to leave for a few days and I am wanting my husband to think like a woman (if the truth be known).  I am wanting him to want to sit by me, hold my hand, hug me, talk to me and store up as much 'love' as possible prior to my leaving.  What does he do? He's in a deer stand hunting ...

I think the biggest mistake I make is that I think my husband should think like me.  As I read Gary Thomas from Sacred Marriage and Debi Pearl from Created to be His Help Meet I see that my role in my marriage is evolving, becoming less about ME.  As a woman who has been married before, lived as a single mom, and then in my 40's remarried I have been given such a blessing.  

As Dr. Thomas puts it 

"We are to perfect holiness out of reverence for God and become a God-centered spouse not a Spouse-centered spouse."

So I study my husband ... more ... and I find he is a combination of a Command man and a Visionary according to Debi.  Knowing that, I have been COMPLETELY wrong in my approach to my husband.  As a command-man I have to learn "to enjoy the benefits of taking the second seat, and if I do not take offense to his headstrong aggressiveness, I will be the one sitting at his right side being adored, because this kind of man will totally adore his woman and exalt her."

"She will be his closest, and sometimes his only, confidante.  When he is treated with honor and reverence, a good help meet will find that her man will be wonderfully protective and supportive."

Go figure ... (she continues) he will not enjoy small talk, and a visionary "is consumed with a need to communicate with his words or actions.  He is the "voice crying out in the wilderness, striving to change the way humanity is behaving or thinking."  

She continues to give advice 

"if you are blessed to be married to a strong, forceful, bossy man, then it is very important for you to learn how to make an appeal without challenging his authority."

Oops ...

One final thought from Dr. Thomas--It's about the idea of flitting from one relationship to another, led by infatuations ... desperate to to find happiness.  In this desperation, we leave a path of destruction and 'bury potential life partners'.  

Hmmm ...

"There is no perfect 'soul mate' either for them or for us.  There will be only sinner after sinner after sinner."  If we can learn to accept and love 'one particular sinner over several decades, you can slowly build an alliance and intimacy that nothing else can match."

Sinner, after sinner after sinner.

O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things.  Isaiah 25:1

Fairness in Marriage

Just cleaned the kitchen, I mean it sparkles ... last night I spent a couple of hours fixing dinner, doing the dishes, and cleaning the stove, countertops, sink ... you get the picture?  The very next morning, husband is in the kitchen fixing a BIG breakfast.  He's cooking sausage, eggs, hash browns and I have to exit the room.

Does this ever happen in your life?  Where does your brain go when you walk back into a mess in the kitchen after you have spent hours cleaning it?

I am re-directing my thoughts in this area (or at least trying).  Looking for what to be thankful for in this situation can be difficult.

In the book 'Created to be His Help Meet' by Debi Pearl she is helping me see my design as wife through the eyes of our creator.  In her book she describes how men think and perceive us (women), all the way down to our smile.  She says a man can see a very unattractive woman and think she's beautiful just because of her bubbly personality and smile.

As I reflect on my life, when I walk into a room that is a mess -- I'm not smiling and bubbly ... you?

Debi Pearl says "...men do not repent for the sake of an angry, critical wife.  You can hold out for repentance and most likely lose ... Your husband is going to love what is lovely to him".

So I am praying to remember this as I clean up the kitchen this morning.  What I am thankful for is how my husband did take great care to place the dirty dishes near the dishwasher and put away all food items.

Debi continues saying "Many women think their husbands are not worth the effort.  They feel they are forced to humble themselves in order to love him when HE is the guilty party... Do not be deceived ..When a woman is willing to forgive she is winning more that just his affection.  Few women know what it means to be cherished by their husbands, but if you love him through this...you will be cherished.  Being cherished is much, much more than being loved.  It will be worth all your effort."

To be cherished ... hmmm

"God stands with you when you stand by your man, but you will stand alone if you insist on standing by your rights."

Ouch!!

~~~~

My new behaviors and thought process for 'next time';
When I see something that in my carnal mind looks and feels like my husband is intentionally 'messing' up what I've just cleaned up ...

*Okay, all my friends can laugh at the fact that I'm creating a list ...

Step 1) If I feel myself correcting, and getting angry -- physically move to another room, read the Bible.

Step 2)  Once I am in a better place mentally, return and intentionally think of things about the situation that I am thankful for in my husband.

Step 3)  Smile!! When I see him next ... don't begin to accuse or criticize because I now know I cannot be pitiful enough to force him to do ...

Step 4)  Return the area to cleanliness and order, thanking God I can physically do it and that I have been blessed with the resources necessary to have a home. 

Proverbs 15:15 "All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast."

Single Mom ~ Raising My Son as a Single Mom

This blog post comes from experiences of my past and it is my prayer that it reveals 'mis-steps' in parenting as a single mom.

Me with our ponies ... not sure how old I am

My son was three when his father and I divorced.  I remarried, as did his father and after my second failed marriage I was single for five years ~ my son was eight to twelve years old during this time.

A bit of background information is needed to give you a picture of where I was in my life at this time.  I was all about the liberal agenda and 'I am woman, hear me roar' kind of thinking, and my son was in an environment where myself and his sister were his main-stays on most days.

I do not share this for any 'pity factor' AT ALL, I share this to uncover what mom's need who are possibly seeking help with their sons as they leave childhood to become a man.

As a single mom who had been described as 'strong', I can now say I was covering up some hurt in my past in this being strong persona.  The 'absent father syndrome' and the 'God Hole' made up my motivating mind-set in trying to fix those two elements in my life (of which I had NO idea).

So, in visiting with a '30-something' friend and listening to her describe her seven-year-old son and her husband's role in his life, I came to the realization that there may be a simple sharing that might help more moms.

You see, because some of us had that absent dad, we most likely use that as a driving force in our lives and thus producing a mighty successful woman ~  because we have something to prove you see.  

We are worthy, we are capable and we did ON OUR OWN and as the song goes WE DID IT MY WAY.  

What I now know this is a set up for disaster if you take it too far.  Because a man has to pass on to his son how to be a man.  I couldn't do that for my son. If I try to protect him from those times when he might get hurt wrestling with a man or I baby him too much; he will have more of a feminine demeanor.

Believe me!!

By being the way we are 'I am woman hear me roar', we take away that masculine place in the home.  We have to be mindful of this if we are married, because if we are over the top in our feminine'ness' it splashes over our husbands' maleness.  As the head of the household, your son needs to see that, instead of your womanly power that may over-ride your husband.

It's a hard thing to balance -- I'm not saying women who are bright, successful, persistent and talented are developing a terrible thing, what I am saying is as a result of doing that, you are setting up your son for many of areas of concern.  As they grow up they have not had that maleness modeled for them.

I remarried when my son was 13 and there were so many gaps for him in developing his maleness.  I married a 'manly man' that is the head of our household -- no doubting that.  To this day my son has shared many times, that if it weren't for this marriage "I would have been very feminine".

~~~

One more area I wanted to share is about the concept of giving.  I heard Gary Thomas share different areas of personalities a single person should be aware of prior to marriage.  One of those is marrying a 'taker'.  As I processed that, a radio program discussed the topic of giving and how God gave his son.  I thought, if that would have been me, I would have never been able to give my son.

The idea of giving and giving and giving and how in my head that's too much to ask ... you know, when you get to the end of yourself and all you've done is give ... well, a new way to think about that has appeared in this 54 year old brain.  Even if I am around what would be considered takers, the idea of becoming a giver; means I am becoming more and more like Christ.

So it shouldn't be like a burden, how I was perceiving it before; gotta do this for them, gotta do that for them; when will I get back 'kind of thing' ... It should be a pleasure, and honor for me to be the giver.

God, help us remain in your design ... your beautiful design of husband and wife, father and son ... to create the family unit that is the foundation to your creation ... and God, help me become a giver like you.  Amen

Beauty before the freeze

We have had a beautiful fall, in fact I have said that the sky is bluer than I've ever remembered in my entire life now that I am retired.  

It was quite a 'honeymoon' period these last few months starting on this retirement journey.  All of the silly celebrations that marked the calendar where I used to be swept away to work and now do not have to go ~~ feeling free.  Now that the newness has worn off, a few ugly, shriveled plants from 'the freeze' have appeared.

I knew that we were going to get a hard freeze, so I picked what was left in the garden and made a bouquet.  This bouquet is made from okra and herbs.  The blooms lasted just a day, then fell off.

~~~

From Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage; God hates dissension and treasures unity (Psalm 133:1--A song of ascents. Of David. How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity!)

“It is easy to get along with people if you never get close to them."

The idea that we can avoid people does not work in marriage.  Your husband and you live together every day.  You are going to disagree and you are unquestionably obligated to maintain intimacy with him.  

When we face unrealized expectations, disappoint each other, or even maliciously wound each other, will we allow dissension—which God hates—to predominate, or will we do the necessary relational work to press ahead to unity?

Dissension is a major prayer killer.

The institution of marriage is designed to force us to become reconcilers. (This is the only way we’ll survive spiritually.)

Please join with me and pray for our marriages, learn with me how to reconcile; prepare for the change in weather.