A missing piece

This post is about where to go with new information.  What has shaped your life in terms of your thinking and what has motivated you thus far in life.  This is not to say that there are only a few isolated life events that completely shape a person (well for some, this might be true), but it is worth discussing an "Ah Ha" moment in life when you discover it.

This is such a moment.

In the Beth Moore study "Children of the Day" she teaches that if you are to be a healthy child of God you must have crucial elements in your life to have been 'Parented' properly.  She continues to explain that 'parenting' is not just from your earthly human parents.  She is speaking from the idea of being 'parented' by our Father in heaven and to allow yourself to BE 'PARENTED'.

Ask yourself "what has not been actively engaged in your life"?

I am filling in the blanks of the study guide as every good student does when they are in a class setting 'studying' and it hits me like a brick when she says "If you are missing a piece you are missing peace."

MISSING PIECE = MISSING PEACE

Beth asks:

Are you a performance-oriented person where God is impossible to please?
OR
Are you a person who is blessed no matter ... it is impossible to displease God?

Through this lesson I am thinking to myself "You've covered all of this, you have discussed; released; addressed; cried over all these issues of your life and you have gotten over them."  Then the word NURTURED is to be written on one of the blanks.

To be nurtured by God is to welcome him and to know that I am His child ... His baby girl.  At this point I feel a numbness come over me ... hmmm, I've felt this before.  I emotionally withdraw and protect; almost like I feel myself physically distancing myself from the others in the room.

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I have noticed since my retirement that when you 'work' you can remain 'numb' in your job.  I could go behind my desk and teach, stay busy, do my work, interact only when I really needed or wanted to, stay in my classroom and pretty much control my day.

Since my retirement, I am finding I am relating to people differently.  I am not shutting down and moving quickly through conversations.  I do not have that 'work' excuse anymore to NOT invest.  I am much more vulnerable here.

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Am I Affectionately Desired--another blank filled in--am I wanted (not just tolerated)?

Do I know this in my heart of hearts? And the answer; the honest answer is 'NO'.  The reason the answer is no is that I can look at my behaviors and emotions over the years (even most recent) and see that I still struggle and behave with these missing pieces.

As I have processed this, life hits me when I least expect it.  Something many would see as an ordinary event ...  the car is driving a bit different and it has more miles on it then I have ever had on a car my entire life.  This is an area of my life that I have managed out of fear; reliable transportation.  I do not ever want to be stranded, helpless along the highway alone.  So when this happened on our way back from Branson, my mind was solving the issue.  The next morning, after a sleepless night, while my husband was gone, I made an appointment with a car rental business and car service department.  When my husband came home I shared this with him and he immediately scratched all my plans.  He had a different plan.

I melted into the sofa ... crying ...

You see I do not trust anyone but ME to take care of ME.  I have to KNOW in order to not become anxious.

As I tried to explain myself to my husband it became clear to me I have tons to work on in my walk with God and as a wife ... duh, go figure huh

From a very young age, I learned to take care of myself AND my little brother.  My level of trust in terms of true, heart to heart, human trust has never been very high.  I have pretty much always been able to do for myself ... so there you see the NURTURING piece; now for the AFFECTIONATELY DESIRED piece.

I'm not sure, but I'm thinking I'm not the only woman with this piece missing or incomplete.  As the third girl when the family plan was 2 girls, 2 boys and followed closely by my brother's birth I have struggled with this 'piece' most of my life.  I am not blaming anyone, in fact; I think it has made me stronger and more capable to endure the hardships in life.  So I am thankful for this.

What I am saying is that as a woman looking back and offering insight into that unconscious way of thinking about life, I have learned that these kind of life experiences create perceptions and motivations that may not be based on a healthy way of viewing things.

So, relying on myself has worked and many times I'm about three days ahead thinking and planning when my husband hasn't even considered what I've already solved.  What a deal!!!

If marriage is to find true,  soul-deep companionship, I've got to give it up!!  As Gary Thomas shares in Sacred Marriage "When we love well, we please God." I have to learn to better understand my husband and trust.  Gary continues by sharing "I had to learn to better understand Lisa (his wife)  before I could truly respect her, and I had to respect her before I could fully love her."

1 John 4:16-18  'And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in Them.  This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement:  In this world we are like Jesus.  There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.'

Do I want to be right OR Do I want to have peace in the home?

LESSON 25--Pushing a horse past what they 'know' only causes explosive behavior.  My husband was teaching one of our horse to back a couple of weeks ago.  He has learned to use more of a 'soft touch' with his horses lately and in this case, our horse Jewels just had enough.  She threw her head up and launch over backward on top of my husband.  She was (as my husband tells) 'overloaded' and he takes complete blame.  

Meet Jewels

The idea that a horse can be an extension of your legs and they respond to the most slight pressure is the simple explanation of 'soft touch'.  The 'rough' way of making a horse do only causes chaos and fear in a horse.  The trainer is 'right' but there is no peace.

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Recently, this same concept played itself out in our home.  I felt something was wrong, so I kept asking questions like "is everything okay dear?", "have I done something to upset you?"... and on and on.  Guys don't process like Gals, but I just couldn't leave it alone.

Here is how Gary Thomas explains this in Sacred Influence.  

"The male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than the female and slower to recover from stress...Since marital confrontation that activates vigilance takes a greater physical toll on the male, it's no surprise that men are more likely than women to attempt to avoid it."

This explains many past situations for me.  Women want to talk about it, because we are so verbal it feels good to talk and come to a resolution, it actually has a calming effect on us.  For a man,  (according to Michael Gurian) 'he doesn't immediately like to talk through distressing emotional events because talking about such issues usually brings them great cognitive discomfort.'  In other words, it hurts men!

Gary Thomas continues;

"...such discussions can create anxiety and distress.  Since it's more difficult for males to process the data, they feel distress instead of comfort.  When you understand that a verbal barrage takes more out of your husband than it does out of you, and that it takes him longer to recover from such an episode, you may begin to realize that criticizing, complaining, and displaying contempt will not allow you to effectively communicate with your man."

A verbal barrage ... hmmm.  I'm just trying to get to the bottom of something, or am I just wanting to be right?

This makes the scripture from Proverbs 27:15 (A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike) real for me.  A dripping ... like a leak in a faucet, drip, drip, drip ...
Wow!!!  That's me!!!

I know my brain works differently than my husbands.  I also know that there are times that being 'right' is really just me being selfish.  

So, ask yourself; Do you want to right OR do you want to have peace in your home?

Humility

Humility(h)yo͞oˈmilitē/

noun

1. a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.

   synonyms:

   modesty, humbleness, meekness, diffidence, unassertiveness;  The concept of being humble was the topic on Bott Radio today and my understanding has changed. I always thought of being humble as being low, or lower than. Adrian Rogers discussed how Jesus was humble, but yet he knew who he was.  He knew he had power and strength and yet he served. I know from reading 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskampe that if one choses to be humble and the moment you think of that act, away the humility goes.  Ann also taught me that the only true way to joy and peace, God's peace, is to go lower .... as water flows downward .... as small children remain joyful and their view is from a smaller vantage point; without expectation. But denying who you are is NOT humility.  Saying, "oh, I can't do anything right."  OR "I'm not good at that" neither one is an act of humility.  In fact, those statements beg for a reply; "Oh yes you can, Yes you are". So I guess what I'm wondering about is when your marriage is struggling where do your thoughts go?  Do you humble yourself?  OR Are they about your needs and how they are not being met?  Is this struggle on your 'urgent' list? Or have you become familiar with where you both are in the marriage and now you settle there. ~~~~ We have decided to close our Horse Travel Bed and Breakfast to begin a marriage ministry.  Our home's basement has served as a B & B for a few years now.  The niche market we served were married couples traveling with horses.  They could board their horse, unhook their trailer and travel to area attractions while resting in our B & B.  We had a website, organic/farm-grown menu and prior to every guest I would clean/prepare the space by praying for them. God has blessed us in our marriage of late and we are now in a peaceful place in our marriage (and it has/is an on-going process). We feel led to share with other couples, to offer a place to re-connect, rest and discuss issues about marriage.   The sense of urgency to work on saving a marriage is lacking in those we have been in ministry with.  It's as if there is this pain and desire to remove the pain, but no real desire to do whatever it takes to save the marriage.  Neither party is willing to humble themselves and admit/confess their shortcomings and then use the power almighty God offers in prayer and reconciliation to heal what has been wounded. True humility is accepting the power of knowing you are born again, your are His son/daughter and He only wants what is good for you.  Being filled with His love leaves room to humble yourself.  Confessing and forgiving allows us to begin again. When we allow marriages to fail, families fail.  When families fail, communities and churches fail. How much more urgent should it be to reach out to marriages?  It seems as though there is an unspoken yearning from hurting people in marriages crying for help.  I don't know if its just such a touchy area people do not want to become involved OR we as a church just don't know what to do to help. I wonder how many of us know of a couple (or two)  splitting up in your church body and what it would take to break through that silence ~ offer a word of encouragement ~ opportunity to pray together ... I'm sure I am so green in this area of ministry I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm sure a lesson is on its way, but please pray for us.  Satan will not want us to speak into lives because this is where he works most diligently ... Christian families.  If he can get to marriages, so goes the family. Humility, Power in Him, and Urgency ... Let's get started

   
   

Open Wounds

Recently we have had a friend undergo surgery that ended with several 're-entries' and due to this, it became very difficult to find flexible, healthy skin to close the wound to heal.  This is a terrible ordeal ~ just when you think the worse is over ~ to find out more is yet to come. This made me think of our emotional wounds.

At one point, the wound had to be left open to clean out the infection.  How vulnerable .... I thought.

When we are injured emotionally as a child, this wound we carry with us the rest of our lives.  

Arrested development is where you are frozen in your emotional development at the age where you encountered trauma.

So here is how it works (from Broken Children, Grown-up Pain by Paul Hegstrom).  'The information received by our senses comes into the part of the brain called the thalamus.  The thalamus is like a train-switching station that decides if the input it receives is traumatic or not--based on the past information stored in the brain.  If one has been wounded in childhood then he or she is actually making life decisions based on the wounds of childhood."

There is quite a difference in people who have been wounded as they age; those who age with 'the God' perspective and a wound that has been healed and those who age with 'a worldly' perspective and are fearful and live with an unhealed, open wound.  

Paul Hegstrom suggests that  "the purpose of healing and maturity is to override what wounded children's brains drive them to think, feel, and do by using the frontal cortex of their brains to make decisions and taking captive the imaginations and bring down the strongholds.  This is maturity.

Maturity is the ability to see reality instead of perception. 

Children and wounded adults think their perception is the only one to be believed and that all other perceptions are wrong.  If I have been abused through rejection, incest, sexual molestation, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, every incident and bit of raw data coming into my brain computer has to go through a clogged filter of my perceptions based upon my previous wounds and  will become my reality for a lifetime."

Without the renewing of the mind (Romans 12:2) or sancification we walk through life incomplete and stuck.

I have been keenly aware of couples who are retired and in the last half of their lives.  Everywhere I go, I notice them.  I think 'so that's retirement'?  I wonder if they have an 'open wound', seeking something to help heal them.  How many of us are wondering around making life decisions based on childhood hurt?  

Seeking  true healing .... A covering to protect the most precious thing ....

There is only one true healer, one way to be healed and that is through Christ.

Self, Happiness and Holiness

This morning there is a thought rolling around in my newly retired mind ~ what is happiness?

With more time on my hands these days, more 'mundane' daily activities with less stress (cooking, garden harvesting, dishes, cleaning, laundry) I am caught thinking about what to do with my day ... what would 'make me happy'?

Reading in Sacred Marriage Devotional by Gary Thomas he argues 

"What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?"

With that in mind, I guess I've set aside the  idea of what makes me happy for some time now and I am keenly aware of resentment approaching my state of mind.  Once the realness of retirement sets in, your friends return to work, the personal contacts and conversations change.  I'm just being real.  No judgement, there's just not the same daily interaction and 'work material' for conversation and it can be a bit awkward, and distant.

So what to do with this?

"Biblical happiness is the offspring of holiness, giving holiness the pride of place as the parent." Dr. Thomas continues.  He says that

"many marriages break down in a context of resentment and a feeling that we're not getting what we need or want".   

But looked at in the light of love, this enemy loses all its power and place:  "The most obvious lesson in Christ's teaching, " Drummonds writes,

"is that there is no happiness in having and getting anything but only in giving."  

We think that happiness is all about having and getting, but in our design God only gives true happiness as an outcropping of giving.

From Morning/Evening Daily Readings by C.H. Spurgeon (August 22)

"The nearer to Him, the nearer to the perfect calm of heaven; the nearer to Him, the fuller the heart is, not only of peace, but of life, and vigor, and joy, for these all depend on being in constant relationship with Jesus."

As we grow, we leave our old self.  Some of the 'leaving' involved a change of the timing of your day, and I have found it to both be a struggle and a gift to not be managed by the clock.  On the other hand, it forced me to do things in a specific way at a specific time when I was working and now; I have to develop a discipline that is more self imposed then before.  I am forced to be more thoughtful to my husband with my time and what I do because I do not have anything else 'to do' that's is 'important'.

I can also see why people do not retire, how they avoid this part of life by staying on a forced schedule.

From Jennifer Rothschild blog today "When I am most self aware, I am most miserable".  

Hmmm

Go figure. 

Want the 'remedy'?  I know I do.

From Albert Schweitzer "The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve."
From Jennifer Rothschild "focus on someone else's needs, grant someone else the attention you desire and ask the question Jesus how might I serve you today?"

See how this works?  Take ME out of my day and rest in the design of our creator.

I'm not saying this is easy to do, to tame your thoughts and flesh because those have been so ingrained in us; and I am certainly a 'no one' in the huge process God has created ~ if I can do a small thing for Him today what a privilege. 

Blessings.

Sharing, Accepting and Angels

LESSON 24--Sharing Nitro

We are piloting a new program for teens here at the farm called WHOA (Working Horses Overcoming Adversity).  We are working on funding for tack, if you are interested, you can use this link for more information http://www.gofundme.com/cpzapk.

Since we own 13 horses and many are not worked with on a regular basis my husband has a trainer coming out 5 days a week approximately 2 hours per day to help teens learn to work horses.  As these young people learn the basics of verbal commands with a horse, they gain confidence and apply biblical principles to their daily lives.  We are praying to teach the concept of saying 'Whoa' in life when things aren't going so well for teens, to get them out of the house, and into a more active life-style.

WHOA is in its early stages now (only 6 weeks) and we can see a difference in the three young ladies who have been the most dedicated to this new endeavor.  In the process, Nitro, Willow, Sugar and Jewels have been ridden by others.  It is a strange feeling to watch as someone else rides your horse.  I know this sounds small of me, but I know Nitro and he knows me and sharing him feels 'prickly'.  

The girls have all communicated similar feelings about their horses when others ride, but that is part of this program.  The girls have to 'train' the new recruits how to do ground work, saddle, put away the horse and clean the barn.

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Family has been down for a visit and again, it was all about sharing.  Nitro was  a champ ~ he welcomed the new riders.  
The picture above is Nitro with our 8 year old niece. 

I, on the other hand, was not so great.  Just a few days ago, a visitor was leading Nitro into the round pin and he his stirrup caught on the gate, pulling the fencing in around everyone in the round pin.  It was quite a moment, and I was entirely TOO verbal.  So verbal, I had to be asked to stop!

That rush of adrenaline and every thought came right out of my mouth, no filter.  It's as if I had no control of my flesh.  This was embarrassing (to say the least) and my husband did not respond to my verbal barrage -- Yay husband, Boo me.

From Sacred Marriage Devotional by Gary Thomas 

"If you've been working on an issue for years and the issue is one of annoyance rather than morality, Let it go."

My husband was in charge and had his own way in mind of doing the horseback ride this evening.  My brain had another way in mind.  (our 'for years' issue) I did the 'female approach' to stress and I tried to talk it out, thinking that talking it out always makes things better.  Only for women, for most men; 

"It's a biological fact that emotional conversation can feel very stressful and it actually increases his anger, particularly if that conversation gets pushed on him. Dr. Thomas suggests to 'stop talking'!  Give your husband's brain time to process the stress."

He continues saying 

"Different people have different quirks.  We married people with different backgrounds, different outlooks, and different personalities from ours ... Even so, at times these backgrounds, outlooks, or personalities may frustrate us, anger us, or inconvenience us, but if it's not sin, we can't demand change."  

Romans 15:7 'Accept one another, then just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.'

So, now for recovery after my blunder?  What do you do?  I processed and cried and processed ...

I ended up with this prayer to me -- these are lyrics from one of Michael O'Brien's CD -- I would pause the CD while driving to KC and then say the words into my phone recording the words, play the CD again, hit pause and say the words it into my phone.  (I know, you can get lyrics from any song easily, but for me ... my learning style, this is how I embed words into my being.  There is something about this process ... listening to your own voice ... playing it over and over ... hearing your emotion ... get the picture?)

When I was finished I had my prayer;

Let thy ways Lord be my compass
Let my heart be thine complete
Let my failures every trouble
Let my fears to thee release
Bless the feet where thou should lead me
Bless the hands that serve the King
Bless the voice singing Alleluia 
Bless me Lord I've been redeemed
Sovereign love has freed the captive
Joy and peace and hope abound
Be exalted God in mercy
Let thy glory be my crown
Let thy word Lord be my compass
Let my soul be thine to keep
Let my life dwell in thine's shadow
Let my faith still rest in thee

This prayer helped me accept that sometimes 'it just is what it is'.  I'm sometimes an over-the-top kinda gal and I pray my verbally vigilant behavior decreases over time and I follow the behavior of a dear friend who was present for the same event. Her response was to hug her Ipad and speak softly "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" standing firm with her eyes open and praying. (Dear God, let that be me!!)

This same evening we were so blessed by this family.  As we sat around the fire pit, they sang hymns of praise and we were visited by a heavenly being, just there for a moment ... I felt the presence and saw the image out of the corner of my eye.  It left as I turned to look at it.  It was as if the singing had drawn it there ....  entertaining angels ....

Then to top that off, when it was time for this family to go home, they cleaned up the entire kitchen, washed dished, wiped down counter tops singing the entire time.  (I was looking for more dirty dishes to get them to stay!!)

What a blessing.

Healing and Revealing

LESSON 23 -- Keeping the past in the past.  Nitro has no idea the 'scar' left from my fall from his back over 3 months ago.  My behavior in the 'here and now' is all he is concerned with.  If I bring fear from the past into my present relationship with him, our future will be affected.

Hmmm ....

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Philippians 3:13  "... but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead."

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We had a few of our horses sent off to be worked for 30 days and when the first batch arrived back home my husband was satisfied.  One of our youngest horses 'broke nicely' as I reported earlier in a post, and he decided to send her back with the statement "she needs to be bomb-proof".  I think that was referring to me ...

Two of our 'favorite' horses were sent too for 30 days of training.  We visited the training site and decided to bring our horses home.  Personalities had changed, one who had been a sweet-heart was not so nice anymore.  I am not saying the training was inappropriate, I am saying that the experience off the farm was stressful for our horses.

One of our horses (I think he's my husbands favorite) seriously was mad at us when he returned.  He pouted and withdrew for a few days.  His name is Captain, then when my husband rode him and spent some time with him, he returned to his old self.  My husband said he could feel him sigh with relief and Captain saying "Man, I'm glad to be home; don't ever do that again".

When we ride our youngest horse (Sugar) you can tell she has been ridden with spurs.

When Captain came home, you could tell his mouth was tender from the training (he's a bit hard-headed).

My point is past experiences scar us.

My scar from my fall has healed as you will see.

*Sidebar*  (I recommend a cream I used mederma hhttp://www.mederma.com/)

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I met with some of my friends from high school this week and our conversation was so authentic it was medicine to my soul.  It healed me.

The unconditional love, acceptance and warmth from these ladies was so genuine all the insecure feelings were taken away.  I am humbled to have such friends, I definitely do not deserve them.  Isn't that just like God?  

Oh, I they brought me gifts!!  A purse for travel and you'll never guess ... a true cowgirl hat!!!  I guess I'm official now!

Keep reading and I will post a picture of my new, beautiful hat while riding Nitro next time.